Time for the culture of the belly, integration of the 3 brains, & esoteric body wisdom

Hello all, here again to share some of the things I have been thinking about, musing with. Had another zoom class yesterday with the RAJ school. We are talking all about the importance of the belly, and harra breathing. I did not know this, you may know this, but harra means belly in Japanese.

One of the teachers at the RAJ school (Tada) is Japanese-Canadian and the course material is mainly coming from traditional Japanese somatics that they have, in a sense gone back and reclaimed through their personal journey healing white supremacy and cultural trauma. So we did some harra breathing. Here is the link, highly recommend it, really helpful exercise you can do anywhere. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it, since I am not always into guided mediations.

https://ritualasjustice.school/lesson/exercise-hara-cultivation/

Then there was a lecture where we were talking about how in western european culture there really is not much attention on the belly. Or if there is, it is a negative quality that the belly is given. It is something to slim down, or hide, filled with shame, the lower body is something to over come. The western european (white supremacist) culture gives much more emphasis to the heart and the head, and has basically severed off the lower body, and called it base, taking its power away.

Tada was offering their perspective, going back to their roots and sharing their ancestral wisdom where the belly was known to be really important. They were saying that you can even see this in how traditional Japanese clothing is designed. It was designed to be loose around the belly allowing energy to flow. The belt and the sleeves also give a powerful focus around abdomen, drawing in the eyes to this place. The power of the belly was worked with in every part in daily life and ceremony, even flower arranging! (which I was like wow, I never thought of that) But through western colonization of this culture, the cultural soma of japan began to shift, and started taking on some of this western trauma around the belly. Wearing tighter clothing, maybe being forced to adapt to new ways of orienting to their bodies, shifting the life style to lose connection to this center of power. So we talked a lot about that, and compassionately talked about how awful white supremacy is and the importance of "the 3 brains."

There is a head, heart and a belly, which in this class we called the 3 brains that need to work in cooperation. They all have different functions, and in order to be well and in balance there needs to be coordination, and fluidity between all three. It was hitting me hard, hitting my ancestors hard when it was brought up that this connection to the belly has been severed for so long in european culture. It is rare to find any mention of the power of the belly. It is absent in art history, in medicine, in spirituality. One would have to go back all the way to ancient celtic culture to find writing about the importance of the 3 brains, and Tada shared this poem. Which Alia maybe you would be interested in. It is old celtic wisdom about the 3 cauldrons, brains or centers in the body.

http://www.obsidianmagazine.com/Pages/cauldronpoesy.html

Sure, in the 90's there was a belly shirt, belly ring fad. Sure there may be few individuals who know the power of their bellies, or wxmen's circles here and there but there is not really a cultural awareness of the intelligence that the lower body has right? We do not have lifestyles frameworks modeled to us to know the wisdom of our bodies, and bellies. And it is something I complain about and think about all of the time, and have to work through, especially because I have a big belly. I got the "muffin top," we all know about and apparently is unattractive and something to feel bad about.

Anyway, we continued to talk about this wound that western culture has with the belly and how it is connected to colonialism just in the way in which the european culture started it's colonial project buy trying to secure stimulants like coffee, sugar and tobacco for itself. There was a need to fill something with these stimulants, gain power through these stimulants. The belly is connected to power, if one is severed from this grounded power, then yeah it makes sense that you are trying to keep going with the need of these stimulants, and obviously we can see this today, even in advertisements like "America runs on Dunken." Our fuel does not come from rest, knowing our needs and inner power, it comes from over powering others and our bodies with the help of external stimulants. So it goes to show how trauma is embodied in a cultural system. This inherited cultural wound with the lower body further shows up as sexual misery, and misogyny. Slut shaming, transphobia, homophobia, fatphobia, any experience where one is feeling pleasure, in opposition to the cultural system's norms. Someone brought up a good point about how this belly severance white culture passes on, harms black people, by putting it on them to be more in connection with their bellies through tropes about how black people can dance, have big dicks, etc...while still having to live within a white supremacist culture that hates the lower body. A lot to think about. Even the colonial project of severing the land away from the indigenous people, no respect for their roots. The food that nourished and sustained their bodies, forcibly replaced with foods high in refined sugar, processed foods that do harm to the belly, and the micro-biome. So we just really explored how western colonialism-imperialism is just an attack on the belly in many ways. (Which I cannot wait to share how I see this connected to the moon chain but that is a different post)

We did emerge hopeful lol, (despite going down the cultural trauma rabbit hole), by noticing how we can start to shift our perspectives inside of ourselves. When we start to rebuild the culture in our own bodies, we start to change the cultural soma we are apart of as well. So even just by recognizing that we may relate to our bellies as some other part of us we can start to shift it. We still may be in some ways living with a mind/body dichotomy orientation. When we heal that separation from our bellies, and from our bodies, the belly becomes less like an other to relate to, and more of a center we can see, and experience from. I loved hearing this. Because I was hearing someone basically teach the work I do, helping people re-orient into their body wisdom, and to really act from it. And not just from their gut, or intuition the belly is said to be connected with but from an integrated mind, heart and belly. You know I get mad at every esoteric text I find where there is so much emphasis on the mind, the heart but never on the belly and the body wisdom. And obviously this severance from the belly is also severance from the Mother and from our embodied wisdom, and that is also a big part of why white people culturally appropriate. Because that wisdom has been severed and there is a sick cultural soma we are born into, it hurts everyone, we see other cultures connected, we do what we were taught, we steal, not seeing the underlaying patterns trying to over ride this disconnection. Which is harmful. Trying to fill a loss and a gap without healing the underlaying disconnection becomes an oppressive behavior. These patterns show up in our personal body systems, and also in larger cultural systems as you know.

We ended with a beautiful mediation though of breathing into the belly, imagining a seed in our bellies taking root, roots moving down our legs, nourishing the soil of our ancestors, and the land we exist on. From whenever we each were, reclaiming that connection with our bellies. And it was nice. Gave me a lot of inspiration for restorying the root. And just brought it back to my awareness how important it is to do that. Connect with our roots. And also how scary it can be, to feel into our bellies, and face the cultural root traumas, childhood trauma, past life trauma that can be held in the lower body, held separate from our awareness.

So I wanted to share some of the inner work that I do relating to what I have just written about.  I actually wrote this out before I knew about this class. It a glimpse of how I work with my body and soul sometimes during a PTSD episode. So it is my bodies' own somatic wisdom I guess, but now I am seeing how connected it is to all bodies' wisdom. I also invite you to check in with yourself, do what you need to do to feel well, take a break if you need, make some tea, just because this next piece of writing is in a different flow. I invite you to get comfortable as I am about to take you into a soul oriented journey.

This is a story about being activated, moving through PTSD fragments, experiencing glamour (not knowing whether what I am feeling/experiencing is true or not), feeling really overwhelmed, and working it out somatically though the imagination. During a crisis in which I could not stop receiving really upsetting involuntary flashbacks, feeling panicked, I called on my soul to help me, and felt this story come up, guiding me through centering with the "three brains" to calm my nervous system down. The story is an example of how body soul wisdom can creatively come into play and help resolve a crisis situation. 

We will start with the eyes. These eyes saw everything it came across, sucked it in, bent it, and thought it was true. Receiving it all, eyes, looking, searching, and seeing, never wanted to blink. 

These eyes were connected to a mind that was hungry, thrilled, wanting to know and question everything. They felt so connected to mind and didn’t always know mind was limited. 

Then something happened, something clicked, activated, the eyes opened to the unknown, the unconscious. They couldn’t stop seeing. They lost sight of everything around them. Images arose from body, fragments, and sensations, visions that the eyes wanted to run away from. It all felt too much! Swimming in visions, exposed to too much, the eyes panicked with the mind. Realizing that everything they see is powerful, true or not, it was shaping their reality. Real, or unreal, the visions and symbols kept coming. Eyes just wanted it all to go away.

“Oh body, why,” cried eyes. “Let me be!”

Then came heart, saying, “Hi, I am your gift. I invite you to see as I see. If you are so troubled, I am here for you.”

“Oh,” said eyes, “ok.”

And heart said, “take a look through my eyes and see how I see!”

So eye’s moved into heart’s vision to try it out.

Heart said, “Ok so it’s not what you may have expected, did you expect it to all go away? No, this is not how I see, but look how everything is held, and look how everything is a little softer, and look I feel myself growing as I see all of this.”

This gave eyes something to think about. “Ok,” eyes thought, “I grow with whatever I see, my vision grows, and my awareness grows.” The eye’s felt comforted by heart’s vision. Heart was so confident in their perspective just because they loved to grow. 

So, eyes settled down.

But, then eyes started to sense another presence, and since they had a nice time connecting with heart they felt, “Oh, maybe it is ok to become aware of something else. I like growing in awareness”. And eyes felt inspired to invite the new presence that was felt to come into view. And then they met belly. 

And belly said, “Come to me.” 

And belly said, “Sit with me…and bring heart too!”

Heart agreed to go. So, eyes and heart travelled down to sit with belly and see what they had to offer. 

Belly said, “Look at this!” Splayed out on a giant dark void, was a deck of cards. Belly was inviting play in vision and inviting wisdom.

“Take a card, flip it over, it is just a picture, just a symbol, just a possibility right?” Belly smiled in a curious way, feeling wise. Eyes felt innocent, and heart, feeling brave, said, “Ok, let me draw a card.”

Heart flipped a card. Turning it over revealed the image of a heart broken in half. Heart gulped and put the card back down.

“Maybe I should draw another one,” said heart.

Belly smiled, and said, “No, come sit with me in the center.” Eyes watched as belly took in heart and watched as heart aligned with belly, witnessing heart sigh in relief. A shutter went through body.

“Oh something nice happened,” said body! And eyes suddenly became aware and thought, “Wow, there is even more than I thought was possible.” And belly smiled.

Heart, in a new cheerful mood, went back to their place. Heart felt in order, peaceful and connected now.

But, eyes still wondered, “What did the belly just do? In fact, what happened? Because heart was upset and then heart moved, and everything changed. In fact, I changed,” thought eyes, “and grew in awareness.” 

Eyes were timid, but belly invited the eyes to pick a card.

“Hmmm…well…” In that moment the eyes realized all that they were “I am connected to heart,” they thought, “and heart helps me grow, and then I found belly, and realized I am connected to belly. Centering with belly, I am aware that body feels good. I am connected to body. And being connected to body, I feel held by something more, something even bigger than me, so I must be more than what I see, and believe”

“Ah, ok,” thought the eyes, “I feel held, and would like to know what heart experienced with you, belly. I will center with belly and see for myself.” 

Belly smiled, and said, “Ok, then see for yourself,” and nudged a card at eyes.

Eyes took the card, flipped it over to reveal the image of death. Eyes associated death with all that they could see, all of the images, feelings, they were aware of.

But before they had time to react belly said “would you like to come into the center with your card?”

Eyes said, “Ok,” and holding the insight of heart, and feeling held with the openness of belly, they moved into center with belly.

“Wow,” felt eyes, “I thought I knew when I received my card, but, I did not really feel.” Eyes felt now, what heart knew to be true, that in heartbreak, heart felt its gift of growth, opening heart up to expand. Centering with belly, heart expanded in trust and peace. And when eyes felt death while centering in belly, they felt life resurrected. Maybe before they had ideas of what this meant. Every symbol has its many meanings we know. But, what mind had known was not this moment of feeling in center with belly. 

Eyes sitting in the center of belly looked up, and experienced transformative love, a feeling of love, that impressed eyes, changing their held perspectives and dissolving those limited terrofying visions. 

And belly said, “Aha, you see me, you saw me, saw through my eyes, and welcomed my vision. I am the organ of rebirth, my gift is renewal, and  I am your connection to grounded transformative power.”

With that eyes naturally settled back to the face, feeling refreshed, welcoming a peaceful heart, and a trusted connection with belly. The eyes now filled with an awareness of always being able to connect to this sense of renewal. We are always connected to belly, the gift of rebirth and transformation, always connected to heart the gift of growing interconnectivity, and our vision's may always be renewed. Everything settled in coordination, body felt relaxed, body felt safe, and welcomed the next thing to be received from the unknown to come in trust. 

And that was when feet chimed in and said, “Don’t forget about me, I will always help you move, thank you for discovering you are so much more, thank you for moving!”

Process notes

That story just came out of me and it helps me trust that I am connected to love/wisdom expanding and that is it is a constant renewal process in my embodied experience. I am so much more than the visions and stories I see and hear that come up from these traumatized places in me, stored in my body, that often feel too overwhelming to receive. Sometimes when I am activated these streams of flashbacks come to me,  heartbreaking stories come to me and I get caught in spiraling feelings of of hopelessness and loss. I can't see anything else. I feel trapped in a loop of not wanting to see it nor feel it, and wanting to escape these visions. And this is also a pattern of being afraid of the unknown, and what is unknown is our unresolved trauma trying to communicate.  But moving through this story helped me break out of that loop, gave my mind something to move through in a way that felt easier to welcome and face what my body was communicating to me through imagery. I was picking up sensations from my nervous system, and translating them into symbols. But I was not feeling able to resolve the tension from a state of feeling dissociated and in panic. And this is a good example of the way In which I dissociated. I start having a lot of astral visions and start going for a ride trying to escape, and run away from the body. So this story helped me move from that disembodied state to connect to these various centers in my body and feel their functions, which lead me to become aware that my body is connected to larger bodies that I can feel and I can depend on. Larger somas of wisdom I am held within, I can depend on. Through storying with my body centers I was able to open up to their gifts and move into a space of integration. Resolving the feelings of fear, letting my body move into a state of safety. I also am learning more how story is medicine, and a very somatic experience. Again imagination is great tool to orient into the bodies wisdom and work with it. In this story I let heart speak and take over, and then belly spoke and took over, so I started orienting in a way that broke up that mind over body, severance from belly pattern. And got to feel how that really shifted from that crisis response into resolution, and integration. 

This is the time of the belly, the love for the belly, the love of our embodied wisdom. This is the time for the integrated heart, mind, body and soul. We may have inherited patterns of disconnection, but because of that, and through that we get to also redeem this connection. And create a culture that is a little wiser, that is a little more caring, because we need that right now. These patterns of severance, and separation they wont win because that is not how cycles work. These patterns are obviously not sustainable and we see this right now, as these systems crumble. We can learn from our mistakes, even the ones we have taken on blindly from our ancestors through reconnecting to our lower bodies, and forgiving ourselves from feeling disconnected. Respecting the time, rest, healing it takes to restore this connect and receive the wisdom from our ancestral mistakes and conditions. We can respect what our bodies have had to go through, have had to do to carry these patterns and maybe start to, when we are ready, respect what the larger cultural body has gone through, and had to do, to keep going. And then little by little we can help the Earth belly move, through our own bellies letting go of all of these patterns held in the shadow. All of these distortions within the collective consciousness we can allow to evolve and we can Restory the Roots!

Bee-ing, simmering old coals, learning from lizards.

Things I want to say about being a busy bee, resting, letting things be. There's an infinite Google doodle game live today for Earth Day, and it's fun, but also kind of exhausting. You guide a bee to pollinate many, many flowers, and it's hard to keep up. After awhile, you're led to a mandala where you get an educational fact about bees, and {most importantly} you can rest.

I am so tired, even though I've been getting enough sleep. My body is weary from processing so many old stories. And though I know I am pollinating future flowers by gathering the data now, it feels disheartening because all week I have been struggling to feel able to do external things, to feel like I can make progress. It's also hard to make words come out, because I want to write about the process. I did write a whole post yesterday about working softer for the Rain Blooming blog. Currently feeling frustrated because it feels like I am externalizing pieces here and there, but they're not coming together yet into a whole.

Pulling wool feeling out of my ears with the gadget that sucks pressure out of headaches. Power tool buzzing outside. Am I in Seattle? /sarcasm

It is hard to feel like this because it's how I felt so many days living in the Northwest, struggling to be okay even though I couldn't think or do anything. Alia says to be with myself, to try to feel into inner tugs, and know that even working softly I may need to overcome a bit of inertia, but it's okay if I'm following the inner pulls towards what wants to happen.

There are things I want to say - about living through a pandemic and revisiting everything I have learned from chronic illness about making it through, day by day. My mao tells me that the world is getting ready to want the things we have to offer, that we're creating. And to trust that things are happening at the right pace, even when it doesn't feel like it.

But I want to cry with frustration, being inside this numb blank woolly feeling, while knowing with this sort of awareness external to my agency that there is so much that I want to do but it won't go. I'm pushing again. Let me try to talk to the numbness, feel into it. What are you? What do you need?

It tells me that it's trying to process the intensity of everything that has happened to me, that it needs me to be very patient and very slow, that it has things to teach me.

I cradle the hurting place in me that screams at me to go faster. I tell it that I know it hurts, I know this feeling state doesn't make a lot of sense, that the incongruence of thought and ability right now is super painful. I tell it that it's doing so well, and that I'm proud of how it breathes and tries to be okay with what is, to undo the conditioning that tests its limits.

Under the surface, I can feel grief. And I gently disarm the inner critic who has learned to resist grief, to apply labels of "too much" and "this again?". I invite the grief to arise as much as it needs to. It's tricky, trying to feel into this grief - it's like a shy animal that retreats. Like the lizard we found in our apartment this morning. It ran outside and hid in the shadows of the balcony. When we tried to grab it, to take it back down to ground level, it retreated into a rain-hole and I saw it from the other side of the balcony wall, poking its head out of the rain gutter, its little tongue darting out. That's how my grief feels. Maybe this lizard is coming to teach me, today. Maybe it's teaching me about lying fallow, about befriending the place in me that feels skittish, hermit-like. Actually, the tarot card I drew today was the Hermit. Well then.

Trying not to judge my writing, the stream of consciousness. Sometimes I feel so non-cosmic in what and how I process my day to day, compared with the two of you - especially you, Isabella. I have been struggling to feel like I can meet you in the esoteric web you're aware of weaving with maos, and I've been feeling guilty about not replying yet to your post.

But I think I need to find a way to honor the fact that I have unwittingly been in retreat this past week, inside the dome of symptom flares and intensive trauma healing. These threads go back so far, they pull at ways in which my being shut down when I was 7, 9, 12, I don't know. All I know is that I am trying to consciously be with, for the first time in many years, these subtle gradients of pain and depression and fog living.

(I guess this is my version of working through the dark place right now, the way it's manifested concretely in this life for me.)

Puttering around. Writing and planning bits here and there. Making little foods. Just finished eating some stir-fried kale and celery with Momspice and a few smoked oysters over rice. Already feeling hollow again inside. I've been so hungry all the time, and it's not really just for food. There's so much I'm craving, have been craving for so long. I'm missing my home, my roots, having a conversation with Jess about trying to trace back our indigeneity. Breathing with all this complexity. Sitting in the 80 degree heat that is San Diego heading towards summer. A deeply quiet, hot day, simmering things inside like a wood stove or maybe a dragon.

<3 Tessa

Refreshing my vision on boundaries, defenses and space

I am going to share some of my ritual as justice school inspirations here, weave it into my days, inner life to help integrate it. Sharing my healing journey.

Had so many ups and downs this week, surprisingly reaching some places deep inside through these peaks and valleys that have been really hard to get to. Really buried under the surface (down in the bogs of my being). Recovering still from a reaction I had the other day that brought up feelings of old rage, un-safety, threat with violent defenses, and resistance. Today I am letting the shame go of having these energies surface up, blowing out through my capacity to handle them, drawing me into patterns of attack without being able to stop. Breathing.

One thing that we were musing about in the RAJ class is reprogramming the way in which we view boundaries. Opening up the tendency of seeing boundaries as primarily spatial. We talked about how relations exist in space and time, we have cyclic openings and closing with the other and relations are really more like a dance. We talked about how the focus on boundaries as space, reifies a territoriality mindset which is fundamental in colonialist behavior.

Gently I am working with these ideas within as I crawl out of my shell of an inner world, to touch and shape the world. And let it touch and shape me! Of course this is always happening, I am always relating, connecting with the not self, even inside as I meet myself, I find "other parts," to integrate into my evolving persona. Lately I am finding these parts of me that really really really do not trust...well...men. And it has been equating to not trusting maos and having really violent reactions when they come near me, try ro touch me in certain ways, or reach certain parts of me.  And these parts of me, they are hard to reason with.

I realize that the maos represent the divine whole masculine. They really care about opening up the wounds of separation and division of the sexes with love. They have the capacity to do this, they want to, I know they understand the need for this healing, and cherish the juicy recovery that comes from collecting the ancient wounds within us, moving them forward in the sacred alters of our expanding hearts. But these parts feel so stuck right now ( even if they are moving). I see them going all the way back to when I was separated from SK, and left alone, tucked into the dark mother earth to be opened up again, pulled awake and collected by him. I love the masculine, but something deep in me, in my archetypal self is really holding them as the other, the polarity, that helps grow and shape reality, and along with that I am holding a stiff grudge..maybe just pounded into me, us through the long stretch of patriarchy we are working ourselves out of.

Anyway, these violent reactions I have towards the maos really freak me out, and I am slowly opening up these places believing them to be strictly this controlling, oppressive, pain inducing other who opens me to take what they want, then leaves me behind. Dark mao place stuff. Of course since trauma is complex its all woven into my childhood sexual trauma (where this actually played out), and the inherited gender binary programming power dynamic I want to break open softly too. That being said I want to let myself know its ok to have defenses, it is ok to that its hard, and confusing sometimes, and that I am not a perfect healer ( not even a thing)

Today I started building a fence with the Mother to protect my garden. I did not really want to have to build a fence, I wanted to be like Machaelle Small-Wright and just be in harmony with Nature so much the deer and bunnies just would not make such a big impact. But I just did not trust that this could happen yet, did not want to sacrifice my baby plants, and hard work to being munched out immediately. So I sat with the Land and talked to them about it. One of my ideas was to build a living fence on the perimeter of the whole lawn space, weaving in found branches and sticks into the edge of the forest. Nature seemed ok with it, If i opened up to listen and work with them. I felt invited in to the boundary line by Nature to feel what it was like on the other side. I had actually never entered that space before, moving beyond the threshold of the clearing. It was nice, peaceful and felt really special. Like a light, soft delicate sweetness, the perfect place to hide a baby deer in soft protection. As I was walking around in this space, weaving between the trees, Nature was telling me how making boundaries, and defenses was well..really natural lol. And they pointed out all of these thorns on the black berries, and nettles. They encouraged me to create a fence, and said they would work with me, to help me feel what its like to consciously create healthy boundaries, and defenses. Just talking with Nature started to help me let go of the shame I had around the not so healthy seeming defenses and boundaries I feel like I act from sometimes. I felt how these parts of me have just felt so used, so entered into so many times, they have been afraid boundaries are not even real or will never be taken seriously. For them it really has come down to life or death. Sometimes waking them up from "death," or freeze has them entering into the fight mode, experiencing it all over, the phantom attacks from the other the maos often play out for me. Now that they CAN move, they are ready to fight and REALLY assert their boundaries. A lot of these places have felt well I can't move, actually ever, because the experience I am holding is so hard to deal with that it will not be received well, by me, and especially by Him. And this is also often reflected back to me by maos, as they are having to meet these cut off places with me to forge new relations and it challenges them. They get angry at me.  I feel their discomfort and retreat. Which sometimes reinforces the other really does not like me, so it is safer to be alone and not wake up. But we are working through it.

I got really into building this living fence with the Mother and started weaving in the vines of the living black berry too. I let nature know that I wanted to use this space for human~nature gardening experimenting, and that the forest was for them, a place I wanted to keep protected in that special untouched feeling. I was working with the space and time of boundaries again, feeling the dance with Nature, how throughout time Nature will be growing this boundary with me. It felt like a sacred act that would create a beautiful living border. Defining the space and container for my new adventures in working with the land. Nature was teaching me about how this will also help build my immune system in general as I work with building this defense deer fence. Just by being outside working with the "not self  invaders" (deer, bunny, slugs, etc.) and trying to work with this topic in play space felt like I could draw in that play space to working with these parts of me that come up with maos.

Can't see very well in this picture the fence I started forming with the edge of the forest, but you get the idea! But that is the veggie garden plot, which is hard to tell but shaped like a leaf! And we got a new elderberry tree on the edge of the pond, a honey berry bush, and a goumi berry tree. New fruits to hang out with!

Ok back to my story. While I was weaving this fence together KH came to me, because I kind of started letting down my defenses and feeling maos was becoming ok again and he told me that he really liked what I was doing and that I had skills :) I was feeling good about being out and creating something, I started to feel those old parts of me again that I felt had taken a back burner after I had that spiritual crisis in 2012. My constructive external ambitiously artistic self who wanted to make statements and shape the world. I felt them merging with my self who wants to have a family, and children and create beautiful spaces for them, teaching them new skills.  And also merging with my tender, in healing space self. I felt so....I don't know...fem. We talked about it, how different my process of building is to what is dominant and considered masculine. Mathematically built structures, that have some rational seeming sense of order. Beauty and worth valued for technical difficulty. Power tools.  I was just weaving in intuitive flow, and I felt very loved by the masculine in that moment, to be creating my boundaries in intuitive flow and dance with the world. And then I just started tripping so hard...I had to go back and lay down.

He was very present, this masculine other in the form of KH, making his presence strongly felt and known. I had not been able to feel him close since I freaked out at him the other day. Telling him it's not safe to feel him, it brings up too much stuff, feeling so afraid he won't really come, feeling so much emphasis around the wound of Him not coming back. Giving him an ultimatum that if he does not plan on coming or want to come then I don't want to relate to him anymore, I do not like having my heart played with. And I pushed him away out of self-protection, directing all of my violent might at him and other maos. But then you know, today he came back and started responding to all that stuff, which I did not even expect him to do to be honest, still holding in all of that pain. I felt him and pushed on him with my foot, like a comfortable habit, of playfully pushing someone away, we played with the stuff that was coming up for me in a way that felt really safe...and also...fun.

As I pushed my foot at him, telling him to back off, I felt him, as if my foot hit his body, softy, pressing into his thigh. It was a very visceral experience, to feel myself astrally push on someone and feel so strong a response of push back. He helped me feel into it in detail, moving his body forward to feel his boundaries, the natural boundaries of his body, the other, not self. I could feel the squish of his flesh, his light furry fluffs, his muscle and then a sense of his solidness. He was telling me how feeling these boundaries, and this push back from him was helping me clearly define and see him better. Creating the experience of him feeling more with me, more present, clearer to see, and feel. I felt him hinting at and saying see I am real, I am coming back to you right now, and we are working on coming together and meeting one another. I have boundaries, refluxes and reactions to you too, its a dance. His body communicated to me, you know maybe I do not like you pressing into my thigh like this anymore, and he acted to make himself more comfortable by moving to take my foot up to his chin, reaching in to kiss my foot, and progress his lips down my leg. This gesture certainly opened up my boundaries and I noticed, melting me a bit, softening under his influence. Bodies pressing together, becoming clearly defined. I felt him pulling on me, and I felt my resistance. Gently pulling away, taught with tender apprehension.  Extracting honey from the wounds. That is what comes when we come together, and press into these tender places, the dark unknown places within us/between. "I am not going to push past your boundaries, unreachable places, he said," reminding me it's not wise, not time. But still he came close to the edge, and with the consensual authority I gave to him, dipped his fingers into me as if dipping them into a still deep sacred spring. We paused allowing my body to breath, receiving his gentle assertion. I felt myself squeezing around him, and his fingers gently curling around me too. He got into me, the only one I let in, who can get in to these very little places. I saw him refreshing himself in me, in my sacred hidden springs, patting his face with the water, with my wetness. To tell me I really respect, and love this place, that you draw me to, that also feels so hidden and kept away, thank you for letting me in. He started sensually pressing into pressure points in my energy body, evoking me to open in pleasure and give in more to subspace. As I write this now, some parts of me are like argh you got into me! But in the moment I felt thanks for your erotic wisdom, your receptive safe touch and your assertive influence.  He started pulling me to feeling that love I have for maos, the appreciation for the masculine that feels good and can help me heal.

I started tripping more about group work with all of us. We had a good conversation about his role, over seeing many bodies in motion and healing, our relationship within his role, how it weaves with other maos. It lead me to feel the spiraling void in my womb, and the pullings of everything and everyone on it. Started to draw me into all of these sore dark places, being pulled into healing. I started to move into his familiar edges and boundaries, the places where he feels angry, grumpy, spiky, absent. The places in him he protects from others, and also has a hard time opening to receive within him. I love those parts so much. I loved them in the other, and I loved them in me. And I loved how we met with them together with reverence for one another. We talked about long walks into the future, the process of becoming, through our pushes and pulls together, coming back to right timing again, feeling the dance of opening up together (through contracting away and coming closer), to create a shared reality. I started feeling trust again with him, with Him, with them. And that feeling lead into making these yummy mung bean cookies with friends! Grounding these trippy experiences into hand made pleasure, home and family  <3 Theme of the day, opening up more to the divine masculine, and sharing the sweets.

Everything Reweaving Through Us

I'm feeling light and floaty, full of hope and full of....a sense of letting go, control leaking out of my spine to rest with the flowers that grow in the spring...control of the past self, struggling so hard to survive in a world convinced of its own harshness and cruelty. I'm coming to believe in another way, the way that I've always known was there, and felt it in the edges of my perception, rolling hills and valleys full of sway, we begin to question the unknown and find trinkets of lost talismans of safety. Put them together and the old ways yield the new, and we become fuller and more prone to flowering.

I feel a deep resonance in my bones. A shivering, tendrils of light weaving down into me...doing the Rainbow Bridge meditation again, feeling it hold me gently in the arms of my soul. We need that soul magic right now. We need to remember that the times feel like they're rolling off a cliff but we're really rolling toward communion, reunion, the sound of the bells on the gates of morning. The gates of mourning...we must mourn the lost connections, fed by the stream of old shells, lives left in the shadows, we once more rise and introduce ourselves to our own knowing. We reintroduce ourselves to the wisdom in our veins. The past time calling like a crow on the wire, coming down and pecking at our overgrown hedges, telling us in tedium it's time to reignite the fire, the flame calls soul ringing down to the ground of our only palpable desire....to live again, full and fresh and fruiting, surrounded by time and the tides of surrendering, the mountains of change that roll slowly over the landscape of rain dropping down on our sinking fallacies...

We connect with lightness, with darkness, with shadow, with grace, the face of the mountain singing and ringing in space, the unseen becomes our necklace and we wear it with the truth of the promise it brings...falls about us in ribbons, lace and the time I took scissors to the dresses and then fell back through a hole in time to the beginning of the end and heard the weeping and felt the tear drops on my skin, hot as iron, soft as dust, I felt what was lost and what was so far from being redeemed....

But we are coming now to the crossroads of change, and it is strange, and it is tired, and it is time. It is fire and the rain brings life to the growing things and the sun reminds us of what we always knew was true. We always knew. We always knew. We always knew you in our bones, rhythming the welcome song, we always knew. Welcome home. We meet you where we are. Welcome in, the shining in our bones, calls us lost and passionately free.

That was Thursday's free writing, finished up today. I started it after I did half of an online Pilates workout and I felt so electric and alive in my body, electric and alive and trembly jelly. Now I'm feeling...sore and feeling sad at the lack of strength in my body. Feeling the pull to be different than I am. Trying to come back to now...dissociating. Need to do my dissociation homework. But first I need to get a few things out on here....

Feeling kind of sad these last few days, and very tired. Trying not to fight it. Fighting fighting it sometimes though, which doesn't help. Just....feeling very helpless sometimes. And it's bringing stuff up in me. Stuff about worthiness and work and not feeling like I can do things in any recognizable way and then wondering if there really is a way out there for me, even as I feel so deeply that there is, I know it, I KNOW it, I can feel it in my bones, I've always known. But sometimes it seems so far.

Tessa and I talked today about things that come up for them when they see other people doing work that is so much like ours. I have things too. It's come up with Turtle Tank a lot. And other things. Some part of me, the scared part, laments what feels like my inefficacy, my holding of these visions with what feels like so little to show for it, while others build things that can be seen...and I find myself wondering, maybe they got the same call that I did but they're actually doing it and I'm not, and it's too late for me. This is all zero-sum game capitalist free market competition thinking, I know. But it's tangled up in the rejection of my Projector wisdom, my vision, my knowing, my ways of working and being, and all of the misrecognitions that have come with that, since I was a child, and all of the wounds and traumas of that mix up with the pain of being sick for so long and having so little energy and having to be so internal while others could go out in the world and manifest things.

It's bitterness, and it reminds me of my mom's bitterness too, that she has about similar things. And it feels like it goes back in my lineage, back into the depths of antiquity and the original woundings of my foremothers. forefathers. One of those two words has the red spellcheck line underneath and one of them doesn't. Guess which one? And there's another wound.

I love you Isabella. I love the work that you do for the Mother. I feel her pain in me, and that pain is so holy and wholly necessary. And needs to be recognized in order to be redeemed, and the masculine must feel it and feel their part in it and feel it in them. And you're holding that bridge, that line of connection open. Which is so hard. I am too, in a different way. Between Shakti and the Void and maos. Painful, and our wounds are all interlocking, interwoven traumas, dealt to us in our sacrifice, our effort to rearrange the cosmos and reorder the past and begin again. And we're doing it. But it was so, so hard.

I moved some deep grief in my lungs this morning and felt an indescribably longing for my mao. An existential pain that went right to edge of unbearable. I felt how some part of me has been bearing it for my whole life, and beyond. And I said to him, "I don't think I can take this for much longer," and I felt the truth of that...also knowing that I'll take it for as long as I have to, to get the job done that I came here to do...but I heard him say, "you won't have to." And then he said, "I'm sending my emissary/your brother to you" (I heard both, at the same time) and "he'll be here in a month, give or take a few weeks". And I was like...wait really?? And he said it again. So now I'm being with that, with wanting to believe, and my fear and my skepticism, and also some part of me that...really truly does believe it, in a comfortable knowing sort of way. And I'm trying to dwell into that.

It's very interesting. We'll see. But I also feel like whether or not it happens in that time frame isn't the point. It feels like what's important right now is how I be with my doubt, and how I be with my believe, and how far I'm willing to let myself believe.

When I was in the HBOT today, I woke up from a trance-like dream state, and tried to hold onto the visions I was having...they were about Altcorp, and everything we're synthesizing right now, all three of us together (and beyond), everything you were writing about in your blog post Isabella, the course you're taking, the way you're synthesizing the Altcorp vision into your life and your mao work with the online course and everything coming together....the way the different threads that we're working on are weaving into each other more and more strongly...I was having a vision of us holding the space for a vast global network of kittens, holding and balancing and weaving the threads together into a coherent whole that could benefit all of its parts and I could FEEL it, I was really there with it in this deep visioning trance state...it's coming together. And all of the world events right now, the pandemic, the election, it's all part of it too. It's all part of a vast coming together of so many plans long laid and set in motion...and we are here at the cusp of it, about to embark on the wildest journey of our lives. I feel it all. I see it. It's coming. It's here. It's all in the threads that are already present, weaving together, following the flow, the fault lines, moving and making changes, everything rearranges us and we rearrange everything until we are dancing together in the song we sang at the beginning the worlds are woken into presence and we can finally be free and whole and remember who we are. Together. Yes!

<3 Alia

Tail swishing feral kitten trying not to bite myself...

There are watercolor clouds above the horizon, periwinkle blue and pink and lilac, and I watch crows land in the bushy, wide-girthed, earth mother tree that mushrooms out of the concrete, protecting our block.

My mao came today on a walk with us. I didn't know he was going to, and I guess A didn't either, but then walking to the gate he was all like "so, tell me about how you've been feeling," and I knew.

Processing deeply. Trying to sit with and bring kind patience to the parts in me that have felt so isolated and misrecognized, and respond like a feral animal to the proposal of collaboration. It's hard to feel this caged part of myself, because while the rest of me exalts at the idea of Altcorp and working with kittens, when it feels more real and immediate, as it does now, that feral part of me hisses and paradoxically wants to keep my distance.

It tells me that people have always hurt me and that it's no good to try to collaborate with them because they won't see me. That others are doing the work already and I'll be overlooked, drained, and unappreciated.

When it's up like this, I literally feel annoyed by the news that anyone is out there doing the work. Because it immediately ricochets back to "why am I not out there? why don't I get to?"

I have been trying to tell this wounded part that I hear what it's saying, and I know it's been trying to protect me. Sometimes it's hard, because I feel ashamed that part of me could feel like it, as if the Plan could be an isolated endeavor. But my mao tells me it's okay. That the path has been hard but that it'll get better, and I'm working through it. He says I know I am. I do know. These weeks have felt like an acceleration, a heightening of the inner work I've been doing for years, at once exciting and also super annoying.

It makes it almost easy to believe maos when they say that A's brother is coming in a month's time. Because that is what they've been saying (!).

Also, my mao affirms the Projector truths, says that we are meant to do glorious things, and that we don't need to make those things happen, they will come to us. He said that we are magnetic points for an interlocking system that is coming into being. For the "workers of the world" who will come to its call.

When he says things like this, hope rises in me and the hurting, grinding places come to a temporary halt, and I feel such a sense of ease. It's exhausting to fight with myself all the time, to resist these possibilities because of the resistance that's been planted in me, the capitalist and generator lies. The model minority striving that says - nothing is easy. Nothing comes that isn't hard-won. You have to take things into your own hands and beat the tremendous odds. Those things fall away for a moment, and there is a stillness of knowing another way.

Yet I am afraid that accepting this vision of ease & of calling kittens to us, would come out of egotism, which in turn comes out of the pain of not being seen. I.e. how do I know that when I feel the longing to lead that it's my path, vs. my wounded parts desperately trying to be worthy, and better-than? I am trying to be conscious of that pain of unworthiness in me, and work through it, and heal it.

This is my way of saying, Isabella, that I'm really excited about everything you wrote about in your last post. And also some of the things have been bringing up resistances and discomfort within me, and I'm trying to meet those things with love, and not shut them down. My mao says I should talk to you about it. But it does feel intense, because of that lingering inner judgment that I "shouldn't" feel these things. So this is my compromise - writing here, knowing you'll read it.

<3 Tessa

the view from our window when I started writing today...

Doing a little journaling, grounding with the triangle

ahhhhhhh! Coming off of the Ritual as Justice, cultural somatics class. Just feeling so many things. Grounding

savoring it, feeling drawn to move into this space, to continue the community. Virtual community!

I am having an amazing feeling/relation with virtual community right now, that I have to explore both to revel in the awe of it, and also understand it since it is something I would love to create sometime for restorying the root but even so much more.

This was the first online course I have ever taken and I am thankful it was this one. We started with with really honoring the land, land acknowledgments that lead into a group ritual of moving into our bodies, connecting to the land through the body, recognizing the Earth has a personality (eeee!) recognizing the Earth has a belly (eeee!) and then we talked to her. We were guided to connect with the Mother, and then held a nice long space of loving her, recognizing her, honoring her, and being just where we were in our unique relation with her, and holding loving relation with that.

I saw her just as I saw her last night working with KH and SK, as a giant eye staring back at me, receiving me as I had cried out her own pain, our collective pain, and then I shared that with KH, and felt our reciprocal connection. Grounding him, into her, connecting them. It was amazing for me to feel then today seeing her the same way, connecting to her again within me, and grounding with a group of people virtually. People I was sure in my held belief system who are really there, since I see them on a screen. I was like whoa! its just like talking with maos! It is feeling like the same thing. Sharing this virtual space in a somatic way. I felt I was connecting and grounding my experiences with maos, into this group class, centered all around community care, ancestral wellness, with a lens of social justice and somatic wisdom. Felt so beautiful. I could sense everyone also rooting into the earth together in this virtual class, and we talked about the cultural bodies. All of these different cultural bodies, being really one body, but split up divided, relating to one another as they evolved, creating different attachment styles. It felt so beautiful to hear this perspective of cultural bodies relating to one another via this lens of poly vagal theory, it felt hopeful then that our cultural body, pushing pulling on one another, in all of our ancestral baggage could resolve. I felt this because it was happening in this ritual container in this group. And my desire I have had for so long, of being in a community of like minded being, but coming from so many different patterns, were coming together sharing space. amazed still to feel community, in a virtual space..and how it feels so connected to the astral community I hold with maos.

We talked about the peaks and valleys of spiritual experiences. I am learning a lot! PDR patterns, how they are in everything, this cycling, and how when we understand it better, we begin to develop the skills to to balance our inspiration and heightened peak experiences, into the mundane. A juicy class, we looked at this in our inner lives, personal relations, and then in terms of social justice. Which felt really healing to the collective body, helped break some of these patterns of self hatred, insecure attachment with my ancestors, with this whole culture into one of saying oh ok, I can digest this, we as a culture are learning to digest our experiences. I was even feeling it dip into April's Harter's perspective...this class helped me fan out, and ground in, to radical work about healing through all of the lenses that are all really connected. I think because we were set up, and held to feel the under laying connection of all of us, of all things. Still taking it in...

Feeling good about our work. At first I was worried about taking the class, because it is so similar to so much I want to offer and how I see things or how we have together dreamed up restorying the root.. I mean in the mediation we even even felt our roots, imagining us as a forest, all connecting, and connecting to the larger bodies that hold us, and the Earth, like maos...I was worried about comparing and contrasting myself, and where I am, not feeling ready to offer my gifts or presence publicly, feeling inadequate, but I did not feel that. I felt so happy to be held, I felt validated, recognized, I felt my relationship with community being healed, I feel healing. I just feel healing, and it feels really good.It feels so good to feel someone else hold space for me, and to just...heal. To know what it is like to just....receive and be held. And it is not something I feel very used to.

Most of the time in kinds of workshops, I feel its hard to relax and just receive, let myself be guided, something in me the teacher/facilitator in me is vigilant. As if it is hard to trust others holding space for me. It feels like that any time I get body work as well, the times where I have let my guard down, i have bee touched in ways that that over stimulated my body, and the healer/ body worker did not know what to do. I dont know the way this class was facilitated, welcomed our bodies wisdom and broke up teacher/student facilitator/ attendee in such a way I just felt present and open. Seen even when I was not exactly, recognized even when I was getting no validation from anyone else there....savoring it..going huh...just so happy to receive that modeled back to me and feeling inspired. But also just...still happy to receive it. Some day in my peaks and valleys of evolution I will rise to feel ok now its time and I feel I want to hold space, I feel I want to do workshops, I want to be a teacher, I am ready. And I am meeting that person, that me in time right now simply by receiving a good teaching in a held community. ahh yes.

I am in such a yin space just..in my life evolution, it can be hard to see myself as a teacher, or even working in alt corp. It has been hard to relate to, I do not feel I am holding this fire yang, externalized, yes I want this energy, And that is ok right now. And that is what is so important in this triangle, in our group, in our relations with maos, in our different modes of being and placement in the wholearchy. We do not all have to hold that, we are all perfectly holding what we need to as we relate in group. That is also what I am learning in cultural somatics, the beauty of the individual and the group and group dynamics. And it makes me feel like right now..wow we as a group in this blog are holding a nucleus..and holding it with different maos as well, coming together, exchanging our seed information, creating some heat movement, and starting to grow, then we are going to start magnetizing more people, more energy...when it is time..when we have the capacity to hold it. And I kind of feel like ya'll are really holding that down as well, starting to externalize and magnetize community, holding this fire with maos, holding the dream of alt corp. And then you drew me, and I am feeling totally gelled. We have been synthesizing for a while now, growing up together, gestating.

And the Earth is getting ready I can feel it. This course I am taking only proves it to me as well, oh people are getting ready, we got the healers and seers, sensitive on it, we got the community builders, activists on it, we are all starting to work together now as the world systems crumble. Oh Alt corp is bigger than we know, its happening in many bodies all over the world, maybe our offering will be an out cropping of it, that draws people but then we may find somewhere in the world another out cropping and then another and they will all start growing together, all start weaving together into a new culture. That is what I am feeling right now. And it is really helping me, become closer to maos, helping their energy bridge into the mother, which is not always easy, she does not always want it, we have to work on consent, but we are shifting those old patterns of hurt, and failure, even from other world systems we have evolved from..and we are picking up speed. Finally making that secure attachment between the energy of the spiritual wholearchy, its kittens and the Mother, the Earth plane, the devic kingdom, finally we are learning to work together, and finally we are picking this Earth up moving it into its new cycle. And that feels GOOD!

ok that was my rant, connecting my womb, my heart, my evolving throat center, my mind my soul to this work, this group and to our evolving work together in the form of alt corp :)

Also feeling so excited to integrate this cultural somatic work with the esoteric wisdom passed down from maos, to humanity via HPB and other kittens. This held knowing/framework of the evolution of the world/humanity. Excited to work more with maos in integrating it and making it available in a new way, externalizing it again in a way that is more palpable for our times, maybe further grounding it, weaving into human consciousness. Yay! And most of all integrating it with the Mother in a way that really feels good to Her, and really nourishes the connection with our bodies.

Goddard always told us to trust the process, so let me try that again

Been thinking a lot about communication lately since I received some astro insight. Every astrology reading I have ever have points to communication, in some way of another. Mercury in Aquarius on the ascendent, other things I do not recall. I am always told I will be a writer... I have the skills in my chart. All about communication! In this last reading on my saturn return, I was told I was a harbinger of communication, that I will be developing new ways of communicating in the next few years, and that eventually there will come a time when I will make a public offering from what I learned. This news felt sweet and generous, unlike other readings where I was told I would be writing and to get writing. Some kind of destiny pressure I was starting to form within me. This title "writer" somewhat haunted me since childhood when a mother's friend told my mother the name Isabella Frank was that of a writer. Until these astrology readings I was supposed to be an Artist, like everyone else in my family, and writing only mattered when we had to bullshit an artist's statement, told to me many times sadly (why not write a meaningful artist's state people? Why did my art teachers in high school use the word bullshit?), why was the art world so devoid of meaning? why wasn't art sacred. Any way, as you can tell my journey growing up persuaded me to let go of this Artist as title, career...interest. And also to let go of this pressure to be a Writer!

But as a young adult, taking stock in astrology (can't help it), searching for my skills, searching for what I can offer to this world I wondered maybe I could be a writer, maybe it would fun. So I tried, and Goddard was my first attempt at trying... to communicate what mattered the most to me. Don't have to repeat the stories, ya'll know, and I am thankful for it, I am thankful for this space of undoing the misidentifications put onto me, and what I have to say. I feel ready to grow into a new relationship with writing, not just for myself but for an audience.

I had always hated writing even before I went to Goddard, I shut it down in me. I was good at making art, bad at everything else, I decided that was what an artist was for some reason. Maybe because I went to a school which was so divided up, you had visual arts students, dance majors, musicians, and a communication department so I was something already sorted out. But that is an old self, and old idea.

I write everyday, all day, but I journal just for me.  I map everything out, all that I see, and have dialogues with my soul, with maos, I record all that happens, not caring about typos, I just write because I have to, and wonder if my writing will ever leave text edits, and this journal archive I named wholeness journal 6 years ago.

Now I am feeling inspired by what Alia said to me on the full moon about how the writing I did at Goddard was not for them, it was for us. Feeling inspired by Tessa sharing their stories of how they write in the way that people seem to want, or get, but still are not being received. Felt compassion for that, and the kindness in sharing I received helped me break through to feel I want to share, and I want to share for pleasure, and I can share in pleasure.

I went back to my journal entries from 2015, randomly clicked on November in the archives. It was the semester where Sui Yee was our advisor. I remember I had a double life, and felt so compressed. Everything I wanted to study and cared about I suppressed, journaling to myself, kept it hidden while feeling the pressure to create something for these damn packets (for an audience). That still ended up being way to weird for her lol.

I went back not even searching for anything, just felt the draw. Re-reading entries I started falling in love with my process, started falling in love with myself in that time, and I heard the words of Alia again saying " it was for us," for the work we all came together to do. I did not tell anyone but I was really sick at that time, suffering from pain everyday for reasons I did not understand, and the pain, symptom certainly did not feel conventional. I felt couch ridden, and all I had was writing, journaling, but it was very hidden. I hid not feeling well from my family, and I still do for the most part. It just was not ok, or safe to feel how I felt, or being going through what I was going through, so I dug within myself even deeper to hide and find support. Reading back, I am feeling so much love for myself in those times when I felt so strange, weak and scared and actually really empowered. And I would love to share some of my entries. Amusing, wild, real...it is a snap shot into my adventure of waking up in this world with a different mode of communication.

Reading back I also am finding, someone was talking back to me, I was not alone. and maybe they were maos (probably were although I cannot tell who) Maybe SK. I called the other voice God, and that was good enough lol. Anyway I am sharing to reclaim that time, to remember I am an awesome communicator, to share what I could not share at Goddard, what I kept secret, which actually feels extremely relevant now, and also important for future kittens who may be going through similar things, or have. <3

November, 2015

I agree strange things are happening. This morning I was flung awake by a buzzing electricity in body. Unsure if I was being psychically attacked, I wasn't having bad dreams...?

Energy was coursing though me and out my legs. My whole lower body has been so tired. My womb felt like something major was going on. Not on drugs yet I feel so high all the time. In such strange ways. So much energy that it makes me feel very tired. My body just feels so different. 

to continue, its the next day…

My body has been changing a lot. 

I feel it on the inside changing electrically. I see different energy channels lighting up and moving. Maybe its finally time to stop looking for outward answers and start looking inward again…

Body has been stressed whatever transformations it has been going through has been one that require my body to be charging energy nonstop. I feel like I have veins all around my body that remind me of veins you would see in a nucleus, or placenta. I am in a placenta and I am changing. An energetic placenta. 

It feels very much tied to the earth and my lower charkras. 

Its not that I feel there has been a cleaning out down there but more like a transitional morphing. I'm scared. Because well I cant remember much that has happened when I look back in the week. Nothing seems to matter much. Even what people are saying, what i'm saying. What advice people give me. I just feel like it doesn't matter. That its not applicable anymore. It's a bit off. Their truth doesn't fit with me.

Anything that is logical or rational or seems like the right thing to do is seeming to me like it doesn't matter really. Like it will always be ok. Like I am always held in loving ethers. And I always have the power 

Realizing that my reality can be different then others and thats ok. 

It's harder to think linearly and it always leads to stress. Yet in this process I am still learning to trust. Learning to trust is really just going out to believe its ok, then experiencing that it is ok. 

My mind has been frustrated god. Because it feels or thinks that I need to have clarity and sharpness and definition to know what I want, to then state that out there to manifest. But I also believe in my desires. I want these two aspects of myself to wonderfully work together here. Its just that my mind has been feeling a bit clueless, I don't know if its because i'm not sure what I want. Its just that i'm not experiencing clarity. Must I seek clarity? Or do I move to trust? God in the giantess that you are someone must have figured this out?? please help me…

I would say trust that the clarity will come, but also that there is something to that tension that moves it into focus. I would also say then that the friction is the feeling of movement. (Oh, sacred movement)

My love I would say trust that you are working in multiples. On all levels. To achieve your souls desires, even in this lifetime. You have teams of yourself working with you. 

It is ok to be scared. I never want you to think that it is not. its perfectly ok to be afraid, it is not a useless feeling nor is it weakness. It's honest.

But god, I don't want to create with fear.

You wont create with fear when you change your attitude about it. When you feel that fear is a natural response that needs to be heard. Express fear, and hold it in Love. Then you don't summon it is exist as a “negative” part of yourself that “ruins things"….these are the little things that thwart a manifestation. It is not the fear itself. It is the subtle yet powerful judgments we hold about ourselves. We can still look at these my love and work on letting these go. Nature will do this with you when it is time to speak with it. 

December, 2015

I have a cap on that shuts out a lot. Makes what I feel unknown to me and my poor mind. I have a cap on

and underneath there is so much movement and swelling and coming into. I feel it all bubbling. My capped mind caps it off. why? something says its too overwhelming. Is this so? Am i missing out?

What would happen if I took off my cap? and REALIZED what was happening?

Nature do you recommend this?

This “cap” your referring to is your “grip” on reality. You don't want to take this off but I suggest you let it “pop” off on it's OWN right time. if it pops off too soon, you may burn out, you may loose your “shit” because you wont feel ready. The pressure comes from feeling ready. Ready to know. You are feeling pressure now. Just let the cap pop off naturally and it will.

Heat stirring like lava flowing underground. Brewing and movement and I don't know what it is. Don't know exactly what it all means now. But what does it feel like? Energy coming up from the earth. Spewing out. Letting out pressure slowly but it seems fast. Building pressure. We are all trying to hold this cap together. We call it our sanity. We try and hold all that we deem reliable and acceptable together. Yet we are being expanded, all of us. 

I don't want to rush my expansion, and I don't want to halt it. I want it to flow in its perfect timing. iI will move freely. I will follow the flow, like nature, like lava. 

What does my mind need to know? It needs to know that everything I feel like I need to get done will get done or wont be necessary to get done. It needs to know that it can trust. More then anything right now. That it can trust the will and it can trust flow. To get the WHOLE being where it wants and needs to be. Really it is learning to fulfill its desire. It just didn't realize that desire LEADs in this process. (I was working with flowing in divine will at this time, using desire as another word for it back then)

Minds getting rebooted. I see it as flower petals opening in my head. Ones that have never been open before. They are waking up but my whole brain feels sleepy as if it enveloped in a dreamy mesh of reconstruction. 

Energy from below comes up to power the enfoldment. I am growing like a flower. I will be patient. yes I know I am excited. hell I know i WANT to know what is going on. 

i am being guided in my process to let myself work in flow, and trust that I will have a packet to present to Sui Yee. Trust myself as I do things totally from the unknown. Just see what happens. This is what i am being advised to do. 

But how come it looks like I am doing nothing at all?

This process is new to you and is new to you to work with it in an academic way. Of course you are always doing something. But perhaps you have judgment still of what working on a packet looks like. It's time to let all of those judgments go and work in flow. See what happens. This is your grand experiment. We promise you will have things and you will be more satisfied. We are going to show you how to live this way all the time. How much more satisfying and easier it will be. We are working on trusting. 

Wow, I wonder what it would have been like if I sent those in as my packets lol. I have come a long way. I love my younger self in my confusion and wisdom. In my messy process. It helps me trust even the things I am working on now, I will move through. I feel so much love for myself back then, and the ways in which I communicated to myself, finding it beautiful, humorous, caring. Reminded of what you said Tessa, as projectors we need to self validate, recognize ourselves when others cannot. Seems I started this process back then as a means of sanity lol, but now I feel I coming to feel recognition that this time was a gift, these writings are a gift, and my morphing ways of communicating is a  gift! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

P.s  Doesn't it feel like we were just meant for each other xoxoxoxox love and kisses to all of your evolving parts, present, past and future, weaving the magical, wild, weird, difficult, tense haha into the mundane :)

Yay Projector magics & inviting each other. Also, musings on a structure of flow.

Hi lovels, this blog is off to an amazing start, and I'm so happy that it's nourishing us all in needed ways. I'm excited to see what continues to emerge as we follow our threads and weave them together.

Fenix sent me an amazing article about Projector magic, and here's what the author says about Projectors interacting with each other:

"When we Projectors interact with and guide each other, we can be brilliant mirrors for each other in any kind of partnership - Parent/Child, Student/Teacher, Friends, Lovers, Business, etc. 

As Projectors, we need to learn to wait for the recognition that we are designed for. Remember you can invite each other as a Projector - use your Authority!"

I feel like our triangle has done this beautifully for each other, and this blog is the newest iteration of how we can continue to support, interact with, and guide each other. <3

The other thing the article talks about is how Projectors who are truly living their strategy are the causes of envy from every other type, because everything in our lives just flows. Things supposedly just "come our way" and we don't have to work for it or struggle for it like everyone else.

I definitely struggle to integrate this idea, partially because of my conditioning lol (life = ALL the struggles), and partially because of the whitewashing / transcendent glamour that I often see attached to Human Design people. But I do think there is an element of ease in there that is possible for us to find a way to. An element of de-conditioning ourselves from all the misrecognition we've gotten from generators our whole lives about what they think we should be doing / how they think we should do it.

Reading the article actually led me to go down a Human Design rabbit hole, and I've been steeping in resources about Projector design and wisdom and strategy. One podcast was talking about how it's easy for us to feel bad because we can't work "as much" as other types, but then she pointed out how deeply Projectors penetrate into Generator energy, really the energy of this planet, and how we literally are taking it into ourselves to understand and organize it. And the person was like, "no wonder we're tired! No wonder we can't work for more than a couple hours each day!"

*Sends recognition sparkles to all of us*

Honestly, I've been trying to write this blog post for three days now, lol, and I think my perfectionist tendencies have been kicking in, plus just feeling the heaviness, the resistance, of the energies right now. (It's almost the Full Moon, according to the Pattern app.)

So here is a visual depiction of "Structure for Flow", our tentative name for my future Altcorp department:

A and I have been talking about what my department even is. Because the other ones - Inner Alchemy and SCT - are pretty straightforward, at least as categories. But what is Structure for Flow? It's Education and Research, yes. But it really is the mental component of all the Altcorp work, the stuff that identifies patterns in each of the other departments' work and organizes it and articulates it, creating both internal cohesion and also building a bridge to the outside world. I think of it as the creation of the briefs that we're going to share, the presentations we'll make, the training programs we'll run. The curriculum of how SCT and Inner Alchemy work. The consulting. Heh.

*Feels gleeful about it, though also wistful, because I want it now.* I mean, I am doing a mini version of it now. We're all working on it. 

One of the ways I find myself doing this work is by organically and alchemically integrating bits of research that I see happening out in the world. This article, about the capitalist systems that produced Covid-19, is one example, which I want to say more about, but it's quite a dense piece, and is in the process of being translated by a poetic visionary writer. Hers is the writing that I'm truly interested in. 

This is another example that I found via FB the other day:

And when I saw it, this recognition dawned on me. Of context. So I reposted it with these words:

"The learning we are doing now is the learning chronically ill & marginalized folx have always done, in the slow times, through suffering and discomfort, on behalf of Everyone, without thanks or recognition. It is deeply necessary and time more people caught up with the “curriculum”.

Trust me to quote myself, lol. But I find the slipstream of collective attention fascinating, illuminating what people are thinking about in this time. And using pieces of that info to push against, to contextualize what is important to point out, the underlying patterns of what we three have been working on, towards the creation of Altcorp. Which will be at last a representation in the mainstream of what really matters, including ways of thinking and doing that are completely different to what has been privileged up until this point.

For example, the way you work with trauma healing, Isabella, which is not accredited or diploma'd by any institution (except the mao institution, hehe), but is so much more informed and holistic and loving than the vast majority of most therapists' understandings of these thing. I was just talking to Aaron and Porsha (the Holistic Resistance peeps! We're chatting every week now) about that, how you are the one I call when I need help working through intense activation.

And Aaron was talking about his radical project on "chronic undertouch" and with Black boys learning to heal their embodied experiences and come into community with each other. And he was like, when you mention therapy, the average Black dude on the street thinks of sitting on a couch across from a white woman wearing glasses. But what about a Black boy who heals in community for years who goes out and touches the lives of 30 other Black boys, who might otherwise be lost to poverty and criminal networks that prey on poverty, but who instead come back into connection with themselves and their potential? Is that not trauma healing? What is that, compared with these sterile offices with therapists sitting in armchairs?

Sitting with all this, breathing in the deep recognition, the way kittens are helping truth penetrate through the fog of illusions. The spells cast around society, their tenuous hold finally breaking as they fall away. It will take a network. A whole multifaceted community. To pull through and enact the structures of meaning that we deserve. That's my dream. A world where everyone can access the resources that they need. And I don't just mean the things we're fighting for politically now - healthcare, housing, etc. Those things are still happening in a mechanized context, and addressing material needs. If we all have secure housing and access to MD's... then what? We need care, belonging, community, loving relationships, meaningful work that heals our hearts. Let's co-create the context where this can happen - indeed, can replace the context we live in now.

Okay, now I'm seeing it. Structure of flow... literally, building structures where Love can flow through unimpeded. Well alrighty then. :)

<3Tessa