Tail swishing feral kitten trying not to bite myself...

There are watercolor clouds above the horizon, periwinkle blue and pink and lilac, and I watch crows land in the bushy, wide-girthed, earth mother tree that mushrooms out of the concrete, protecting our block.

My mao came today on a walk with us. I didn't know he was going to, and I guess A didn't either, but then walking to the gate he was all like "so, tell me about how you've been feeling," and I knew.

Processing deeply. Trying to sit with and bring kind patience to the parts in me that have felt so isolated and misrecognized, and respond like a feral animal to the proposal of collaboration. It's hard to feel this caged part of myself, because while the rest of me exalts at the idea of Altcorp and working with kittens, when it feels more real and immediate, as it does now, that feral part of me hisses and paradoxically wants to keep my distance.

It tells me that people have always hurt me and that it's no good to try to collaborate with them because they won't see me. That others are doing the work already and I'll be overlooked, drained, and unappreciated.

When it's up like this, I literally feel annoyed by the news that anyone is out there doing the work. Because it immediately ricochets back to "why am I not out there? why don't I get to?"

I have been trying to tell this wounded part that I hear what it's saying, and I know it's been trying to protect me. Sometimes it's hard, because I feel ashamed that part of me could feel like it, as if the Plan could be an isolated endeavor. But my mao tells me it's okay. That the path has been hard but that it'll get better, and I'm working through it. He says I know I am. I do know. These weeks have felt like an acceleration, a heightening of the inner work I've been doing for years, at once exciting and also super annoying.

It makes it almost easy to believe maos when they say that A's brother is coming in a month's time. Because that is what they've been saying (!).

Also, my mao affirms the Projector truths, says that we are meant to do glorious things, and that we don't need to make those things happen, they will come to us. He said that we are magnetic points for an interlocking system that is coming into being. For the "workers of the world" who will come to its call.

When he says things like this, hope rises in me and the hurting, grinding places come to a temporary halt, and I feel such a sense of ease. It's exhausting to fight with myself all the time, to resist these possibilities because of the resistance that's been planted in me, the capitalist and generator lies. The model minority striving that says - nothing is easy. Nothing comes that isn't hard-won. You have to take things into your own hands and beat the tremendous odds. Those things fall away for a moment, and there is a stillness of knowing another way.

Yet I am afraid that accepting this vision of ease & of calling kittens to us, would come out of egotism, which in turn comes out of the pain of not being seen. I.e. how do I know that when I feel the longing to lead that it's my path, vs. my wounded parts desperately trying to be worthy, and better-than? I am trying to be conscious of that pain of unworthiness in me, and work through it, and heal it.

This is my way of saying, Isabella, that I'm really excited about everything you wrote about in your last post. And also some of the things have been bringing up resistances and discomfort within me, and I'm trying to meet those things with love, and not shut them down. My mao says I should talk to you about it. But it does feel intense, because of that lingering inner judgment that I "shouldn't" feel these things. So this is my compromise - writing here, knowing you'll read it.

<3 Tessa

the view from our window when I started writing today...

Yay Projector magics & inviting each other. Also, musings on a structure of flow.

Hi lovels, this blog is off to an amazing start, and I'm so happy that it's nourishing us all in needed ways. I'm excited to see what continues to emerge as we follow our threads and weave them together.

Fenix sent me an amazing article about Projector magic, and here's what the author says about Projectors interacting with each other:

"When we Projectors interact with and guide each other, we can be brilliant mirrors for each other in any kind of partnership - Parent/Child, Student/Teacher, Friends, Lovers, Business, etc. 

As Projectors, we need to learn to wait for the recognition that we are designed for. Remember you can invite each other as a Projector - use your Authority!"

I feel like our triangle has done this beautifully for each other, and this blog is the newest iteration of how we can continue to support, interact with, and guide each other. <3

The other thing the article talks about is how Projectors who are truly living their strategy are the causes of envy from every other type, because everything in our lives just flows. Things supposedly just "come our way" and we don't have to work for it or struggle for it like everyone else.

I definitely struggle to integrate this idea, partially because of my conditioning lol (life = ALL the struggles), and partially because of the whitewashing / transcendent glamour that I often see attached to Human Design people. But I do think there is an element of ease in there that is possible for us to find a way to. An element of de-conditioning ourselves from all the misrecognition we've gotten from generators our whole lives about what they think we should be doing / how they think we should do it.

Reading the article actually led me to go down a Human Design rabbit hole, and I've been steeping in resources about Projector design and wisdom and strategy. One podcast was talking about how it's easy for us to feel bad because we can't work "as much" as other types, but then she pointed out how deeply Projectors penetrate into Generator energy, really the energy of this planet, and how we literally are taking it into ourselves to understand and organize it. And the person was like, "no wonder we're tired! No wonder we can't work for more than a couple hours each day!"

*Sends recognition sparkles to all of us*

Honestly, I've been trying to write this blog post for three days now, lol, and I think my perfectionist tendencies have been kicking in, plus just feeling the heaviness, the resistance, of the energies right now. (It's almost the Full Moon, according to the Pattern app.)

So here is a visual depiction of "Structure for Flow", our tentative name for my future Altcorp department:

A and I have been talking about what my department even is. Because the other ones - Inner Alchemy and SCT - are pretty straightforward, at least as categories. But what is Structure for Flow? It's Education and Research, yes. But it really is the mental component of all the Altcorp work, the stuff that identifies patterns in each of the other departments' work and organizes it and articulates it, creating both internal cohesion and also building a bridge to the outside world. I think of it as the creation of the briefs that we're going to share, the presentations we'll make, the training programs we'll run. The curriculum of how SCT and Inner Alchemy work. The consulting. Heh.

*Feels gleeful about it, though also wistful, because I want it now.* I mean, I am doing a mini version of it now. We're all working on it. 

One of the ways I find myself doing this work is by organically and alchemically integrating bits of research that I see happening out in the world. This article, about the capitalist systems that produced Covid-19, is one example, which I want to say more about, but it's quite a dense piece, and is in the process of being translated by a poetic visionary writer. Hers is the writing that I'm truly interested in. 

This is another example that I found via FB the other day:

And when I saw it, this recognition dawned on me. Of context. So I reposted it with these words:

"The learning we are doing now is the learning chronically ill & marginalized folx have always done, in the slow times, through suffering and discomfort, on behalf of Everyone, without thanks or recognition. It is deeply necessary and time more people caught up with the “curriculum”.

Trust me to quote myself, lol. But I find the slipstream of collective attention fascinating, illuminating what people are thinking about in this time. And using pieces of that info to push against, to contextualize what is important to point out, the underlying patterns of what we three have been working on, towards the creation of Altcorp. Which will be at last a representation in the mainstream of what really matters, including ways of thinking and doing that are completely different to what has been privileged up until this point.

For example, the way you work with trauma healing, Isabella, which is not accredited or diploma'd by any institution (except the mao institution, hehe), but is so much more informed and holistic and loving than the vast majority of most therapists' understandings of these thing. I was just talking to Aaron and Porsha (the Holistic Resistance peeps! We're chatting every week now) about that, how you are the one I call when I need help working through intense activation.

And Aaron was talking about his radical project on "chronic undertouch" and with Black boys learning to heal their embodied experiences and come into community with each other. And he was like, when you mention therapy, the average Black dude on the street thinks of sitting on a couch across from a white woman wearing glasses. But what about a Black boy who heals in community for years who goes out and touches the lives of 30 other Black boys, who might otherwise be lost to poverty and criminal networks that prey on poverty, but who instead come back into connection with themselves and their potential? Is that not trauma healing? What is that, compared with these sterile offices with therapists sitting in armchairs?

Sitting with all this, breathing in the deep recognition, the way kittens are helping truth penetrate through the fog of illusions. The spells cast around society, their tenuous hold finally breaking as they fall away. It will take a network. A whole multifaceted community. To pull through and enact the structures of meaning that we deserve. That's my dream. A world where everyone can access the resources that they need. And I don't just mean the things we're fighting for politically now - healthcare, housing, etc. Those things are still happening in a mechanized context, and addressing material needs. If we all have secure housing and access to MD's... then what? We need care, belonging, community, loving relationships, meaningful work that heals our hearts. Let's co-create the context where this can happen - indeed, can replace the context we live in now.

Okay, now I'm seeing it. Structure of flow... literally, building structures where Love can flow through unimpeded. Well alrighty then. :)

<3Tessa