Deep reflections on boundaries and break ups

I love this space. Writing here feels different than just journaling, there is added digestion. I feel inspired to take my feelings and make something nourishing for the community. I feel like not only sharing the difficulties of life but also the beauty, the wisdom. Ah, it is nice to share...

I guess I will start with some context. For all lessons and growth need a story to unfold out of.
I wish to write to open clarity, to bring love, understanding and care for me and my relations.

I think this break up has been building for a while, just under the surface and unspoken. Little room has there been for it to break up to the surface. Marlo has been living in Seattle for a year now and to be honest I have not felt like hanging out with her much. So much has shifted since the last time we had really bonded together. Like I woke up to maos and went on the fast track of evolution. I met SK and everything started making more sense, who I am, the part I can play, my whole context is different. Now during this venus in retrograde I feel asked to move with the new cycle and integrate my past, let go of relations tied to past versions of myself that feel like mirages.

I have tried to reconnect. But as you know Kevin and I did not get off to a good start, and there has been continuous invasions of personal space since I first met him. The last time I was down there to visit I was laying on the floor stretching and I felt H really strongly. They felt really protective over me, charged with intensity and warned me that Kevin was about to invade my space and touch me. I was like no way, that would be so inappropriate I do not see that happening. Marlo was not around. Also why would he? I did not feel I was inviting touch, or feeling open but I was curious about this warning, felt a little tense. Then actually to my surprise because I really did not expect it, he came over and casually put his hand between my legs and crawled over me. I was in shock, at first it triggered freeze and then fear and I found it hard to say anything because he was so nonchalant and seemingly innocent. I do not hang out with cis men, this usually never happens to me, so I do not always know how to respond. I was able to express my bodily discomfort and squirm away. The rest of the time I felt closed off and very guarded.

I told Marlo about it, and about the other times where he invaded my space and I had to tell him to leave. And she said she talked to him about it. But she keeps defending him saying he has a lot of unlearning to do. But my body just feels guarded around him, and I have no desire to let him in or get to know him.

I let her know this in many ways after this. She came up twice after as we were trying to make peace in our relation and tend to our friendship. But I made a firm boundary and said if you want to come it can only be you. The whole time she was here she wanted to unpack and vent about her relationship with Kevin. How we wanted to break up with her, how she did not feel like herself around him, how she wondered if he was zapping her energy. As a psychic I could see all of this already, but maos also told me not to get involved and let me know its her journey to learn these lessons.

I was having a good time when Marlo was here, she was able to respect the space I needed. I was able to be in flow with maos and my inner work. I started the fence when she was here (heh). I was starting to recall the more magical moments of our past. And she was helping me with my garden I was getting really excited about. And she was like I can help you build your fence I know where to get bamboo and I have a pole driver.

So when she asked me if she could stay I said ok, you can stay for 2 weeks and help me work on my garden and help with the fence. But also I do not feel comfortable with Kevin because of how he has invaded my space so if he comes with you I need you both to camp outside, and I am going to need a lot of space because I do a lot of ritual healing. These were my terms and conditions and she said yeah that is fine we like camping outside, no problem I am excited to work on this garden with you. There was an idea that Kevin was going to find a place to stay in Seattle which I was hoping for. But when I went down to help them move it was clear that was not going to be happening. And I kept reminding them hey your all going to be ok staying outside right? And they said yes. But I still felt something, I felt uneasy and I should have listened to this, but it felt too late now. She seeded a bunch of plants for my garden and now they really had no place to go so I was like ok. I can live with this for 2 weeks its going to be ok. I want to help. And I think this is a part of the friction, I was coming from a place of wanting to help, but not intermingle with their energies too much. I needed space and if they wanted to help me put some bamboo poles in the ground that was cool. But apparently Marlo had been fabricating another vision of being here, one that totally ignored and blocked out the boundaries I put forth.

I guess they are helping me work on my fence just in different ways...

The first night they got here they were upset that I did not invite them in and make space for them. Why wasn't I welcoming and letting them sleep inside?.....(hindsight ~ I knew this would happen)

I clarified my boundaries and said hey it is totally cool if you come in and use the bathroom and kitchen colin and I just need space for ourselves we are very private people and that is how I remain well. They both heard this. M also came to me and told me I was going to need to create a protective energy around my space to keep the integrity of the soul work I was in the middle of, so I did and that felt better.

I was in a process doing ancestral healing with American history because of all of the stuff happening in the country, totally sucked in processing the cyclic healing of the freaken civil war in my body and like why ya'll not caring about this? BLM, there is a revolution happening right now. And I could not meet Marlo in her dreams of ecstatic dancing and drum circles. Not yet anyway. And she was not able to engage with me when I was letting her know was what going on. She was tired from moving I totally get it. I was also adjusting to their energy, and balancing all of this and planning on coming together for the full moon to get into ritual and do some healing magic for the Whole, particularly for anyone who has experienced police brutality. Have been in a deep process of reviewing my relation with police brutality.

Anyway on Friday the day of the strawberry full moon christ festival eclipse I was at the farm and got a text from Marlo. It read we need to talk tonight, Kevin wants to leave :( ( they had been there for 4 days) he feels unwelcome, lonely and suicidal. Then she asked me if I could do a healing for him and help him with his confidence. Make him feel more welcome. *fix this problem*

And I was like ugh excuse me? I was pretty activated and replied that is awful and I have totally been there. However I am not able to take that on right now and if he needs social bonding and attention I was pretty clear that I don't have capacity right now. I need ya'll to take care for yourselves. It is not my responsibility to take care of him.

That was when I felt it was time. It was time to tell them it would be best for them to go. I vented to my co worker who is fairly intuitive and she was like yeah it sounds like your going to have a break up with your friend tonight. I totally support you saying no and upholding your boundaries. Which felt affirmative. KH was also affirming that it was time and letting me know he would be holding me through it. I talked to my mom on the way home and she was also really supportive as well. She said Isabella maybe next time you can just say no in the beginning and listen to all of your feelings about it. You can be empathetic to their situation without being guilty. Your at a different place in your life and you just don't have time and energy for this. I was like thanks mom your right! So I was feeling really held, and strengthened in my decision.

Then that night colin and I let her know we were not going to be able to meet their needs, and it would be best if they left....which broke her heart. I had no idea but Marlo had been planning to stay for the whole month...When I confronted her about how it was only 2 weeks I agreed upon, and how I felt about Kevin she said had blocked it out. Because she just wanted me to like Kevin and wanted us to all get along. She cried and said I don't understand, it's spring, we have all of this food, we are in a beautiful place, why can't we all just create together? Why can't you just except him and work with me to heal him. He has so much potential.  We are healers aren't we? We used to come together and heal people. I don't understand why you do not want us. We feel so unwanted. I don't understand why you can't let us in?

Once I had dreamed of living with Marlo on this land, and dreamed of a vision of us creating gardens together, hoping we could become closer...but then things changed. We were not in alignment, we are not in alignment.

And I just had to be firm and say no. I did not sign up for this, I communicated to you several times my needs and boundaries. I am not the person I was 5 years ago. And it is best if you go. Which shocked her and puzzled her...which I can imagine it is shocking to hear this when you blocked out someone's boundaries and did not get the memo. It is shocking when you are told no, you actually cannot just do whatever you want. I had to say no again and again because she kept saying well what if we do this, and this I just want to make it work. And the garden I have already spent so much time working on it for you. All the things. I did feel empathetic but I did not feel guilty or shame for my needs and boundaries. I held my own and colin helped too. She said I want to understand your boundaries and understand what that means...so I suppose this is the way we are understanding it together, by saying farewell.

After this I felt calm, but also a little shook. Then KH came to talk to me, to share his comforting support and wisdom. He let me know he was also behind this, insisting they leave. I had felt a tug from him while they were here that made me feel even more unavailable. At the same time I just missed him while they were here, and felt this strong inner feeling that I can't, I won't let anyone get in the way of the soul work I need to do. I am committed and nothing can pull me astray. Realizing my boundaries are so affected by his boundaries since we are in this ritual process of coming together. And it is why I cannot just hang out with anyone, it is why I need to conserve my energy and I need so much space. It is why I can't just open my arms to anyone and just get along no matter what. I need a protective container to build this nest, and its a nest birthing a very specific energy in the darkest places of my being. Sigh. It is not easy, maybe not even possible to explain that to people. And perhaps not even necessary...

I was feeling this archetype come up of this unconditionally accepting mother, who opens her arms to anyone no matter what, feeds them, cares for them. Feeling like this was expected of me. And feeling that character as it relates to my soul archetype in the shadow. Feeling like you know, that part of me just feels abused and weakened. Over worked, over tired, holding space for everyone, diminished from depletion. Letting in everyone no matter what they do. The void does not just hold space for everything in creation, it sucks it all in a to be recycled, and renewed. It holds everything for us so that we can LEARN and evolve and keep growing. Healing my boundaries and this archetype within me feels like healing my receptive self. Reprogramming it to work with my assertive self, to discern, to take in what I want to receive so I can maintain wellness.

I was being reminded I may have helped to unleash the pain already within them, but it is still not my fault. Having boundaries does not make me unloving. I was feeling confused about love, feeling angry at Marlo throughout her crying instead of compassionate. KH helped me clarify my understanding of compassion through all of this as the process of transformation. He said you have to write compassion out of a place of hurt feeling. It cannot just be expected to be there, that would be a false forced sense of compassion. You need to have compassion for the anger and unmet needs, start there, and let them move. Understand that when I say compassion I am emphasizing that we learned something here, something was further digested, something opened and we all moved to our right place a little more. All adjusted but it took an opening to clarify and understand what we really need.

True compassion is not coming from pressure of an ideal, this is the problem. You are having someone with blocked emotions expecting you to play a role you did not consent to. It was attempted anyway so when it came through it was insincere. So you are attempting to hold something coming from this insincerity. Maybe you did not know this, but you were not fully into hosting them even with them outside, this was not consciously understood. We welcome compassion here, in the moment of the eruption, this is where we learn.

Also compassion is never one way of being or one way of expressing to hold onto. It is not prescribed. True compassion is saying to yourself I am creating a container where I am allowed to be where I am right now, in this moment letting go of the ideals. Someone came to you with an ideal of what connection looked and felt like. Actual connection comes from being honest and saying this is what we have right now, this is where we are. It can be heartbreaking but it is important if we want sincere connection and this is how we move together. Sincere connection is the ability to listen, move with and adapt and with this there is compassion. (helping me feel break up in unity, unity in break up)

KH being real with me calling me out. He continued to say, she has broken your heart in the past so you have reaction. I am not interested in telling you how to live but I have advice sweet heart, you can examine your morals about it all you want but keep coming back to your heart right now and ask what do I really need? What is healthy right now? Not based on expectation, not based on what you think is good. ( wanting to be generous for generosities sake)

So I contemplated this, felt into it how I sincerely wanted wellness in all of my relations. But that does not mean it is my responsibility to heal any hurt or broken person that comes my way. I wanted to honor Marlo's feelings and choices but I had to say no to helping Kevin because I did not want to engage with his energy, even if he was hurting. I felt called out by Marlo for being a bad friend for not wanting to hold space for him/ heal him. But he also did not consent or invite me to do this either, and you cannot heal anyone who isn't open to it.

And then I felt I am not an object of healing, I am the divine in motion and moving with what I am truly supposed to be in alignment with. I am working from a collective  need and in order to do this I need to respect the laws of repel and attraction that move us. Healing can look like many things, even pushing away. I was feeling affirmative in what and who I am actually drawn to and respect for what and who I am really repelled away from. Why do we ever have to feel guilty about this?

KH helped me see that besides Kevin invading my space he is not opening up to the energy I am grounding, not able to. When I feel this, I close up, and feel pent up. I feel that about most people..and it is ok.

KH was also drawing out blocked emotion and challenged me to reveal it. Then all of this fear started coming up about how I was choosing to strengthen a bond with him, believe in him and trust him over bonding with these actual people I can see and sense tangibly. And it was pulling forward these parts of me from when I was younger and available to play with Marlo, or just more available in general. Calling them into the present, letting old dreams die, to make way for new ones. Letting the dreams die I sent forward before I even knew he existed. I was confirming that he was real and in this,  grounding my commitment to align with him. And it was really intense. He was helping me remove energy attachments from her in my heart and telling me to come back to him and let her go. Even when I was feeling her pain and confusion, her splattered messy heart, self sabotage and unhealthy bondage. Their repression feeling held in a straight jacket I understood. You can donate you time and energy to them he said but in the end its their journey, their prayer, let them move with it then and come back to me.

I related to all of that pain, fear and rejection I felt from her I really did, but he was right it is hers to create something out of, and I have chosen to graft fruit bearing trees into these painful heart breaks because I want and believe in nourishment here. And other people need to make that choice for themselves, move how they need to move.

He held space with me acknowledging the gifts this person has brought into my life, and for their soul to reveal to them what they need now in just the right way. And then he told me he would take the extra step to help them transition and be on their way which felt really good. I was reminded that the divine is working in all of us, and to trust this instead of feeling bad about it, no one is disconnected here.

Sigh and pause...

Later in the middle of the night when I could not sleep I read about the christ festival gemini full moon. Which said it was about "celebrating the spiritual potential to unify the personal will with the Will of God."

Which I feel I have really been learning about with all of this boundary work with maos. I may have wanted to show up for Marlo, I may have wanted to also attach to this illusion of everyone just getting along creating a garden no matter what. (Nice hippie dream, yet requires commitments) Some part of may have even wanted to rescue her, but I actually need to listen to what is really available. Stay true to what is really available, be even more keen into what that even is, and be sincere. Not polite, not even when I am asked to be or pressured to open when I do not want to.

Also Venus, the planet symbolizing union and harmony in relations has been in retrograde and I read that that gives us an opportunity to review separation, isolation and injustice. Forgot about that but  that all makes.

So I am really really affirmed in this separation...maos just sighed and were like ( your not separate that is an illusion) I guess I will say division and individuation. This experience is definitely helping me ground in my truth and be where I need to be. Which brings up this image of a dragon guarding my space right now, holding space for this very tender growth. Sincerely I just need to be little right now and work from this very fragile place in the separation gap. And this part of me only comes out when I have total privacy and I am realizing at this time I am unwilling to compromise. That is not selfish it is what is healthy for me right now. Even if that is different from what healthy ever looked like to someone's else ideal.

Anyway writing this all out here is grounding this transition for me, as I am still in the midst of it. They have technically not broken down their camp and left yet, because they had to go back to Seattle for a job. So it might not be comfortable for a few days. Wishing for peaceful transitions. Feeing the compassion in human drama. Goodnight. xoxo

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Sunday continuation

Marlo is driving back here from Seattle to break down her camp. I told them Colin and I both need them out by tomorrow. I feel such a strong conviction to part ways with this person. It is uprising in my body. Anger that has gone past the point of feeling like it will be heard and has moved straight to just get out. I am checking in with myself to let it get carried away, recognizing some of this rage come from trauma with men touching me and over riding my boundaries. I think when I see marlo upholding that, and even allowing it to happen to her, I feel divine wrath! But I also recognize she has no way of seeing it, hearing it, or honoring it right now. And I have no energy to teach other then being honest with what I have to offer.

It actually feels like a legitimate break up. She had been moving her stuff into the house and I have had to separate and divide all of our stuff. Untangling our energies.

She has been sending me reactionary text messages trying to guilt and shame me. She asked me are my boundaries worth hurting others?

I sent a lightening quick defense educating her about how when you don't listen to someone else's boundaries and choose to ignore them you end up not only hurting others but also yourself. You end up missing important information for growing in a relationship, pivot the relation away from trust. I added that last sentence because I am also still learning.

Healing and reclaiming my relationship to the beauty of the world, and Story

Alia's post made me want to also share my processing here again, for the first time in awhile. I am in the deep weeds of untangling my teenager years, years where everything got pulled really tight, all the loose threads of trauma and loss, and knots were tied in my psyche even as energy was also pouring through from my soul. 

As I put it in my journal last night, "the years of SCT shaping and hyper-accomplishment and trying to balance longing with ambition, passion with dictated practicality. My spirit burned and was funneled into prescribed pathways. I fought and gave in, often simultaneously. And this bitterness and resentment I now face within me is tied to the losses from that time, the loss of easeful expression and collaborative potential and softness of ritual and routine. But through this grieving I can see the light returning..."

One of the ways I'm feeling through this process is by reading Guy Gavriel Kay's latest book, aptly titled A Brightness Long Ago. I read so many books by him when I was growing up, and I truly would be a different person without his stories. He is a 7th ray kitten through and through, and his characters move through the world in ways that echo and emanate with aspects of my mao and his kittens. This one is no exception, with its courtly intrigues and complex assassins and extraordinary meetings in the night.

Reading it, it does feel like I am encountering a brightness from what feels like so long ago, a time when I burned and hoped and felt so much clarity and confusion in equal measure. A time from which there is so much to reclaim, to call back into my life now, as I sit on another spinning threshold, another chapter in my life that is asking how I want to live into it.

I am writing now for me, to help me process Guy Gavriel Kay's latest book, and with it, my life.

How he holds that there is this mystery, possible randomness, but also potential for being held by the overwhelming, overall tapestry of it all, being woven threads within, some bright and others brighter, but spun with deftness to touch other threads, and to be known or unknown...

All of his books, with their possibility of shaping one's own destiny, even as one is shaped, woven...

Characters often armed with little beside their own cleverness, and earnestness.

My heart.

Sitting here, on this day fading into evening with such prettiness, the earnest peach glow of sunset beginning, our tortoiseshell cat jumping up onto the couch between us as we each sit here typing our thoughts into our chromebooks, I think of my younger self, sitting at her desk or the kitchen table, absorbed in words by this same deft being, words weaving through her. And I think of how she tried to use them to make sense of the world, the weight of it, the beauty wending through the dense forms, leaving these openings for possible redemption, possible love actualizing and fulfilling itself, and then coming back to the painted corkboard, glass jars, brightly colored boxes around her, the piled up papers, the images scrawled and collaged and painted on the walls.

The way no one ever gave her a sign beyond this, beyond these shimmering worlds in black and white compressed between covers. The way all “real life” people seemed to subsist on daily necessities and the pursuit of abstractions dictated by someone else, out of their hands, anxious fluttering butterflies content to flutter in the stale suburban wind. And the way her heart thumped painfully, wanting something else, wanting more, not knowing what she wanted, except reaching, reaching for these sharply realized, perfumed and sometimes blood-soaked, far away lifescapes in which people moved with intention, with cleverness, with sorrow in their hearts, and grief was allowed. And longing was held in the balance. And it mattered. It all mattered.

I do not need the wineglass on the rim of a fountain, as poetic as that sounds, as much as I can hear the misting droplets tinning against the delicate glass.

What I need is to come curving clearly into my own life, and see my own world through the mosaic of meaning. I need to know that I, here in this body, this non-european, non-male body, with perhaps more cleverness and earnestness than I've ever known what to with, can also live my thread in a shimmering way. That I can be here, with my aching heart, sitting on an olive green couch in our one bedroom apartment, and embody a thrum of humanity, here to be more than a vehicle for words or creations - also for experiences, for Love to love through me, for soft sensations to land and be savored, for the emotional mending and connecting that is possible here, between me and other beings. How many years I ran away from this presence here, the minute impact of each moment muted, thwarting my awareness, trying to point me to some other land.

I am here, and what I feel and love matters. I love this enormous busheling green tree outside the window, thrusting its full canopy of self into the watercolor sky. I love the antics of cats, small and contained, licking themselves and listening to air currents, sometimes batting at keyboards that they know hold our attention. I love my boo, staring, thinking into a screen, their own universe of words, wanting to know something all the way through. And I love myself, I feel myself, sitting here, full-blooded in flesh and form, my heart opening so big with that pain that is also pleasure, my eyes on the trail of small green curved leaves tumbling down the side of our refrigerator. All these longings and sensations, cycling through, in and out. Moving through the ocean of my being. There is nothing I need to do, here. I am sacred here, as I am. And it is possible to hold that lushness of meaningful possibility, that horizon opening up and touching so tenderly all the different threads, right here, right now, honoring the deep sacredness of the world, trusting in the communication of my existence, feeling the mattering of it all. After all, my own story is sovereign, too. And I can open to, not only funnel through or frame or force, the stories of the world, enlivened through the ways they flow through me. 

Taking little steps towards this truth, a truth that can help me rewrite my process and what it all means, begin to come home to a way of being that is kinder to me, building the other half of my bridge of longing...

<3 Tessa

Everything Reweaving Through Us

I'm feeling light and floaty, full of hope and full of....a sense of letting go, control leaking out of my spine to rest with the flowers that grow in the spring...control of the past self, struggling so hard to survive in a world convinced of its own harshness and cruelty. I'm coming to believe in another way, the way that I've always known was there, and felt it in the edges of my perception, rolling hills and valleys full of sway, we begin to question the unknown and find trinkets of lost talismans of safety. Put them together and the old ways yield the new, and we become fuller and more prone to flowering.

I feel a deep resonance in my bones. A shivering, tendrils of light weaving down into me...doing the Rainbow Bridge meditation again, feeling it hold me gently in the arms of my soul. We need that soul magic right now. We need to remember that the times feel like they're rolling off a cliff but we're really rolling toward communion, reunion, the sound of the bells on the gates of morning. The gates of mourning...we must mourn the lost connections, fed by the stream of old shells, lives left in the shadows, we once more rise and introduce ourselves to our own knowing. We reintroduce ourselves to the wisdom in our veins. The past time calling like a crow on the wire, coming down and pecking at our overgrown hedges, telling us in tedium it's time to reignite the fire, the flame calls soul ringing down to the ground of our only palpable desire....to live again, full and fresh and fruiting, surrounded by time and the tides of surrendering, the mountains of change that roll slowly over the landscape of rain dropping down on our sinking fallacies...

We connect with lightness, with darkness, with shadow, with grace, the face of the mountain singing and ringing in space, the unseen becomes our necklace and we wear it with the truth of the promise it brings...falls about us in ribbons, lace and the time I took scissors to the dresses and then fell back through a hole in time to the beginning of the end and heard the weeping and felt the tear drops on my skin, hot as iron, soft as dust, I felt what was lost and what was so far from being redeemed....

But we are coming now to the crossroads of change, and it is strange, and it is tired, and it is time. It is fire and the rain brings life to the growing things and the sun reminds us of what we always knew was true. We always knew. We always knew. We always knew you in our bones, rhythming the welcome song, we always knew. Welcome home. We meet you where we are. Welcome in, the shining in our bones, calls us lost and passionately free.

That was Thursday's free writing, finished up today. I started it after I did half of an online Pilates workout and I felt so electric and alive in my body, electric and alive and trembly jelly. Now I'm feeling...sore and feeling sad at the lack of strength in my body. Feeling the pull to be different than I am. Trying to come back to now...dissociating. Need to do my dissociation homework. But first I need to get a few things out on here....

Feeling kind of sad these last few days, and very tired. Trying not to fight it. Fighting fighting it sometimes though, which doesn't help. Just....feeling very helpless sometimes. And it's bringing stuff up in me. Stuff about worthiness and work and not feeling like I can do things in any recognizable way and then wondering if there really is a way out there for me, even as I feel so deeply that there is, I know it, I KNOW it, I can feel it in my bones, I've always known. But sometimes it seems so far.

Tessa and I talked today about things that come up for them when they see other people doing work that is so much like ours. I have things too. It's come up with Turtle Tank a lot. And other things. Some part of me, the scared part, laments what feels like my inefficacy, my holding of these visions with what feels like so little to show for it, while others build things that can be seen...and I find myself wondering, maybe they got the same call that I did but they're actually doing it and I'm not, and it's too late for me. This is all zero-sum game capitalist free market competition thinking, I know. But it's tangled up in the rejection of my Projector wisdom, my vision, my knowing, my ways of working and being, and all of the misrecognitions that have come with that, since I was a child, and all of the wounds and traumas of that mix up with the pain of being sick for so long and having so little energy and having to be so internal while others could go out in the world and manifest things.

It's bitterness, and it reminds me of my mom's bitterness too, that she has about similar things. And it feels like it goes back in my lineage, back into the depths of antiquity and the original woundings of my foremothers. forefathers. One of those two words has the red spellcheck line underneath and one of them doesn't. Guess which one? And there's another wound.

I love you Isabella. I love the work that you do for the Mother. I feel her pain in me, and that pain is so holy and wholly necessary. And needs to be recognized in order to be redeemed, and the masculine must feel it and feel their part in it and feel it in them. And you're holding that bridge, that line of connection open. Which is so hard. I am too, in a different way. Between Shakti and the Void and maos. Painful, and our wounds are all interlocking, interwoven traumas, dealt to us in our sacrifice, our effort to rearrange the cosmos and reorder the past and begin again. And we're doing it. But it was so, so hard.

I moved some deep grief in my lungs this morning and felt an indescribably longing for my mao. An existential pain that went right to edge of unbearable. I felt how some part of me has been bearing it for my whole life, and beyond. And I said to him, "I don't think I can take this for much longer," and I felt the truth of that...also knowing that I'll take it for as long as I have to, to get the job done that I came here to do...but I heard him say, "you won't have to." And then he said, "I'm sending my emissary/your brother to you" (I heard both, at the same time) and "he'll be here in a month, give or take a few weeks". And I was like...wait really?? And he said it again. So now I'm being with that, with wanting to believe, and my fear and my skepticism, and also some part of me that...really truly does believe it, in a comfortable knowing sort of way. And I'm trying to dwell into that.

It's very interesting. We'll see. But I also feel like whether or not it happens in that time frame isn't the point. It feels like what's important right now is how I be with my doubt, and how I be with my believe, and how far I'm willing to let myself believe.

When I was in the HBOT today, I woke up from a trance-like dream state, and tried to hold onto the visions I was having...they were about Altcorp, and everything we're synthesizing right now, all three of us together (and beyond), everything you were writing about in your blog post Isabella, the course you're taking, the way you're synthesizing the Altcorp vision into your life and your mao work with the online course and everything coming together....the way the different threads that we're working on are weaving into each other more and more strongly...I was having a vision of us holding the space for a vast global network of kittens, holding and balancing and weaving the threads together into a coherent whole that could benefit all of its parts and I could FEEL it, I was really there with it in this deep visioning trance state...it's coming together. And all of the world events right now, the pandemic, the election, it's all part of it too. It's all part of a vast coming together of so many plans long laid and set in motion...and we are here at the cusp of it, about to embark on the wildest journey of our lives. I feel it all. I see it. It's coming. It's here. It's all in the threads that are already present, weaving together, following the flow, the fault lines, moving and making changes, everything rearranges us and we rearrange everything until we are dancing together in the song we sang at the beginning the worlds are woken into presence and we can finally be free and whole and remember who we are. Together. Yes!

<3 Alia

Tail swishing feral kitten trying not to bite myself...

There are watercolor clouds above the horizon, periwinkle blue and pink and lilac, and I watch crows land in the bushy, wide-girthed, earth mother tree that mushrooms out of the concrete, protecting our block.

My mao came today on a walk with us. I didn't know he was going to, and I guess A didn't either, but then walking to the gate he was all like "so, tell me about how you've been feeling," and I knew.

Processing deeply. Trying to sit with and bring kind patience to the parts in me that have felt so isolated and misrecognized, and respond like a feral animal to the proposal of collaboration. It's hard to feel this caged part of myself, because while the rest of me exalts at the idea of Altcorp and working with kittens, when it feels more real and immediate, as it does now, that feral part of me hisses and paradoxically wants to keep my distance.

It tells me that people have always hurt me and that it's no good to try to collaborate with them because they won't see me. That others are doing the work already and I'll be overlooked, drained, and unappreciated.

When it's up like this, I literally feel annoyed by the news that anyone is out there doing the work. Because it immediately ricochets back to "why am I not out there? why don't I get to?"

I have been trying to tell this wounded part that I hear what it's saying, and I know it's been trying to protect me. Sometimes it's hard, because I feel ashamed that part of me could feel like it, as if the Plan could be an isolated endeavor. But my mao tells me it's okay. That the path has been hard but that it'll get better, and I'm working through it. He says I know I am. I do know. These weeks have felt like an acceleration, a heightening of the inner work I've been doing for years, at once exciting and also super annoying.

It makes it almost easy to believe maos when they say that A's brother is coming in a month's time. Because that is what they've been saying (!).

Also, my mao affirms the Projector truths, says that we are meant to do glorious things, and that we don't need to make those things happen, they will come to us. He said that we are magnetic points for an interlocking system that is coming into being. For the "workers of the world" who will come to its call.

When he says things like this, hope rises in me and the hurting, grinding places come to a temporary halt, and I feel such a sense of ease. It's exhausting to fight with myself all the time, to resist these possibilities because of the resistance that's been planted in me, the capitalist and generator lies. The model minority striving that says - nothing is easy. Nothing comes that isn't hard-won. You have to take things into your own hands and beat the tremendous odds. Those things fall away for a moment, and there is a stillness of knowing another way.

Yet I am afraid that accepting this vision of ease & of calling kittens to us, would come out of egotism, which in turn comes out of the pain of not being seen. I.e. how do I know that when I feel the longing to lead that it's my path, vs. my wounded parts desperately trying to be worthy, and better-than? I am trying to be conscious of that pain of unworthiness in me, and work through it, and heal it.

This is my way of saying, Isabella, that I'm really excited about everything you wrote about in your last post. And also some of the things have been bringing up resistances and discomfort within me, and I'm trying to meet those things with love, and not shut them down. My mao says I should talk to you about it. But it does feel intense, because of that lingering inner judgment that I "shouldn't" feel these things. So this is my compromise - writing here, knowing you'll read it.

<3 Tessa

the view from our window when I started writing today...

Yay Projector magics & inviting each other. Also, musings on a structure of flow.

Hi lovels, this blog is off to an amazing start, and I'm so happy that it's nourishing us all in needed ways. I'm excited to see what continues to emerge as we follow our threads and weave them together.

Fenix sent me an amazing article about Projector magic, and here's what the author says about Projectors interacting with each other:

"When we Projectors interact with and guide each other, we can be brilliant mirrors for each other in any kind of partnership - Parent/Child, Student/Teacher, Friends, Lovers, Business, etc. 

As Projectors, we need to learn to wait for the recognition that we are designed for. Remember you can invite each other as a Projector - use your Authority!"

I feel like our triangle has done this beautifully for each other, and this blog is the newest iteration of how we can continue to support, interact with, and guide each other. <3

The other thing the article talks about is how Projectors who are truly living their strategy are the causes of envy from every other type, because everything in our lives just flows. Things supposedly just "come our way" and we don't have to work for it or struggle for it like everyone else.

I definitely struggle to integrate this idea, partially because of my conditioning lol (life = ALL the struggles), and partially because of the whitewashing / transcendent glamour that I often see attached to Human Design people. But I do think there is an element of ease in there that is possible for us to find a way to. An element of de-conditioning ourselves from all the misrecognition we've gotten from generators our whole lives about what they think we should be doing / how they think we should do it.

Reading the article actually led me to go down a Human Design rabbit hole, and I've been steeping in resources about Projector design and wisdom and strategy. One podcast was talking about how it's easy for us to feel bad because we can't work "as much" as other types, but then she pointed out how deeply Projectors penetrate into Generator energy, really the energy of this planet, and how we literally are taking it into ourselves to understand and organize it. And the person was like, "no wonder we're tired! No wonder we can't work for more than a couple hours each day!"

*Sends recognition sparkles to all of us*

Honestly, I've been trying to write this blog post for three days now, lol, and I think my perfectionist tendencies have been kicking in, plus just feeling the heaviness, the resistance, of the energies right now. (It's almost the Full Moon, according to the Pattern app.)

So here is a visual depiction of "Structure for Flow", our tentative name for my future Altcorp department:

A and I have been talking about what my department even is. Because the other ones - Inner Alchemy and SCT - are pretty straightforward, at least as categories. But what is Structure for Flow? It's Education and Research, yes. But it really is the mental component of all the Altcorp work, the stuff that identifies patterns in each of the other departments' work and organizes it and articulates it, creating both internal cohesion and also building a bridge to the outside world. I think of it as the creation of the briefs that we're going to share, the presentations we'll make, the training programs we'll run. The curriculum of how SCT and Inner Alchemy work. The consulting. Heh.

*Feels gleeful about it, though also wistful, because I want it now.* I mean, I am doing a mini version of it now. We're all working on it. 

One of the ways I find myself doing this work is by organically and alchemically integrating bits of research that I see happening out in the world. This article, about the capitalist systems that produced Covid-19, is one example, which I want to say more about, but it's quite a dense piece, and is in the process of being translated by a poetic visionary writer. Hers is the writing that I'm truly interested in. 

This is another example that I found via FB the other day:

And when I saw it, this recognition dawned on me. Of context. So I reposted it with these words:

"The learning we are doing now is the learning chronically ill & marginalized folx have always done, in the slow times, through suffering and discomfort, on behalf of Everyone, without thanks or recognition. It is deeply necessary and time more people caught up with the “curriculum”.

Trust me to quote myself, lol. But I find the slipstream of collective attention fascinating, illuminating what people are thinking about in this time. And using pieces of that info to push against, to contextualize what is important to point out, the underlying patterns of what we three have been working on, towards the creation of Altcorp. Which will be at last a representation in the mainstream of what really matters, including ways of thinking and doing that are completely different to what has been privileged up until this point.

For example, the way you work with trauma healing, Isabella, which is not accredited or diploma'd by any institution (except the mao institution, hehe), but is so much more informed and holistic and loving than the vast majority of most therapists' understandings of these thing. I was just talking to Aaron and Porsha (the Holistic Resistance peeps! We're chatting every week now) about that, how you are the one I call when I need help working through intense activation.

And Aaron was talking about his radical project on "chronic undertouch" and with Black boys learning to heal their embodied experiences and come into community with each other. And he was like, when you mention therapy, the average Black dude on the street thinks of sitting on a couch across from a white woman wearing glasses. But what about a Black boy who heals in community for years who goes out and touches the lives of 30 other Black boys, who might otherwise be lost to poverty and criminal networks that prey on poverty, but who instead come back into connection with themselves and their potential? Is that not trauma healing? What is that, compared with these sterile offices with therapists sitting in armchairs?

Sitting with all this, breathing in the deep recognition, the way kittens are helping truth penetrate through the fog of illusions. The spells cast around society, their tenuous hold finally breaking as they fall away. It will take a network. A whole multifaceted community. To pull through and enact the structures of meaning that we deserve. That's my dream. A world where everyone can access the resources that they need. And I don't just mean the things we're fighting for politically now - healthcare, housing, etc. Those things are still happening in a mechanized context, and addressing material needs. If we all have secure housing and access to MD's... then what? We need care, belonging, community, loving relationships, meaningful work that heals our hearts. Let's co-create the context where this can happen - indeed, can replace the context we live in now.

Okay, now I'm seeing it. Structure of flow... literally, building structures where Love can flow through unimpeded. Well alrighty then. :)

<3Tessa