Moon chain

     Been wanting to write about this for a while, but the topic seemed to crash upon me like a wave and take me in the undertow. Possibly because I love and respect the mystery of it so much, more likely my perfectionism was getting in the way. It is a topic I want to honor, as I honor the separation wounds from which we evolve. It is a topic that is vast and deep, which permeates everything. It is the foundation of our emergence, and truly the patterns of the moon chain show up in all cultures great myths in some way or another. It is a topic I can make no conclusions about and say this is it, a polished nice package. No...it is a mythos in the making, we recreate it again and again and keep watching it evolve through our deepest wounds and relations. Everyone has a part of the story to continue and grow from. But here is what I know sourced from inner experiences, Alice Bailey books, and HPB. 

    Before the Earth there was the Moon. Our Moon is said to be but a shell of what is really was, a vibrant sphere of life, where beings had the opportunity to venture, relate, grow and learn with one another. The Moon chain was the evolutionary track that this planet was intended to progress through, as part of a cyclic development within our solar system. But this planet played out a pattern that I feel comes from another place in the galaxy that greatly disrupted our solar system.  What is said to have happened on this Moon planet was that the misuse of power over a certain center ( which I feel is the sacral/sex center of the planet) created such an out of balance that the Solar logos had to arrest this part of itself. Much like a trauma that collapses some part of us, the moon chain collapsed and no longer could support life on this sphere and so was destroyed to be re-opened in a new way, to be healed at another level of maturation. Unfortunately this planet was dissolved before the feminine aspect was able to fully grow to reunite with the masculine aspect of the planet and left us with a deep scar, like a residual separation wound from the moon chain Mother.

    I must add that this "separation" between these polarities is common throughout the entire galaxy which we exist in but is not exactly experienced as it was on the moon chain. There is a larger being from which we exist within, and this being sent a part of itself out to open deeper levels of dimensions so that it could expand and grow. So within these polarities one expanded upwards (evolutionary) and one expanded downwards (involutionary). They expand a part, and then through their magnetic connection, contract to reunite and then grow through a stabilization process that allows them to hold the balance.  This reuniting and stabilization process did not get to happen on the moon chain because it was disrupted. And this occurrence on the moon chain is also a manifestation what also happened to the involutionary aspect of this great being we exist in. Because within this larger Being, the Mother principle expanded so far out of reach that in a sense it had forgotten it was there. Which plays out on the moon chain, the beings not feeling in tune or connected with the kundalini aspect of the planet manipulated and misused this power center. Sound familiar? We have inherited this pattern. But we can also do something with it, that was not able to happen on the moon chain, we can reunite these polarities, feel this union, process and learn from our mistakes. And truly we can do this because of humanity, because of our bodies that can feel, reflect, process and grow. We have evolved to resolve this, so that we can all expand. 

    So what happened after the moon chain dissolved was that the beings who had been evolving on this planet moved over to this one, and the Earth chain slowly started to come into form. It was as if this Earth was made from the material of the moon chain, but created with a new intention and that was to reunite these polarities and heal from this collapse trauma. What this left us with though was this deep pain in the Mother of this planet, like an old deep stain of a feeling that She had been totally lost from her beloved, and would not be able to reunite. And this created a wider gap between the polarities, since she dissolved with this experience of not reuniting, which left her closing up in a sense of anger, grief, in failure, in fearful hopelessness. In the gap though is also the material for redemption which is a key note of our planet. But this is also why our planet is called the sphere of suffering.  Because it the body of the planet, within all of us, is this deep wound of disconnection. 

    This great misery and agony built in our foundation is also why this planet is one in which we are developing love and wisdom. This redemption is the Heart (humanity) growing from the experience of loss, it becomes conscious through our suffering and in our need for healing. The trauma of the moon chain has been recreated by us on the Earth chain to have context for us to also evolve and heal it. 

     For example, in my soul story I came to this planet with SK. We came knowing the story of the moon chain and we came united as one with the intention to help heal it and hold the resolve. I am the part of him that he seeded into this Earth to act as his receptive center, like a concentration of his energy anchored into this planet. In this process we reenacted the initial separation of the moon chain. Meaning he moved off of this planet as the evolutionary force expanding, and I stayed here rooting deep within it as the involutionary aspect merging with the Mother/Matter of this planet. And in merging with these patterns we experienced this long separation and I accepted this isolation without him...most of my evolution has been without him until now. It felt as if this separation from the moon chain was deposited in me and through that process I am now able allow it to redeem. Really it is deposited into all of us, like a fractal pattern working itself out. I actually would not have been able to come back to him without help. I think both of your souls have helped this process because you two have moved into these patterns with your maos, dancing into these patterns with a feeling of union which creates a new experience to be available. We are working on a multidimensional evolutionary ladder to create a new story, and that is how we heal and transition out of that trauma. And the whole collective is doing this in many ways. As we move through our initiations we are able to integrate more of our own soul's journey, and every time someone moves into an initiation we all grow a little bit more, moving us out of the patterns of the moon chain, until they became fainter, until they become totally transformed into something new. This is the world growing!

Ok there is so much more, but I just got so sleepy. So I will continue at another time. <3 Feel free to add to the story! Perhaps next I would like to talk about the evolutionary arc and the rise to redemption. Also I wrote this really matter of fact but its just a creation story passed onto us, like all stories do with it what you will, make it yours. 

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Now I am thinking about how the residual suffering of the moon chain shows up today in our systems of oppression. Right now in this time period I see it showing up in white supremacy, specifically how this need to dominate and conquer comes back to a deep disconnection between the mind, heart and belly. A deep disconnection in white culture from our feelings, and bodies. This same kind of numbness happened on the moon chain. Those beings were not able to feel and respond to the harm being done to the whole system. The same things happen now too in our over industrialization, how we interact with the Earth and Nature spirits. How we deplete the Earth and fight over natural resources. This deep survival wound of feeling like we never have enough resources also springs from the moon chain planetary failure. We are still healing this severance wound from the Mother and from life, it shows up in our ancestral attachment wounds. There is a much bigger picture and these patterns are something that our solar system is helping to solve for the galaxy. Hope, love, beauty out of friction, we create this here, we become aware of it, and this is something as we evolve we get to share and offer other parts of the universe! We are figuring out some good shit on Earth. 

And yes these same patterns come back again, but we are also growing from them like we have never been able to before. I know this because the conditions on the Earth at this time are allowing for the Mother to heal these old wounds that have been locked up and frozen this entire time. Evolution happens slowly here it seems but over all in the whole scheme of the solar system it is just on time. Which helps me as I look back at my journal entries from a year ago and see how I am working on the exact same things, only slight variances...

Anyway, go Earth chain team! xoxo

A cool bath for my collapsing heart

 "Poetry is not only dream and vision; it is the skeleton architecture of our lives. It lays the foundations for a future of change, a bridge across our fears of what has never been before.

"Possibility is neither forever not instant. It is not easy to sustain belief in its efficacy. We can sometimes work long and hard to establish one beachhead of real resistance to the deaths we are expected to live..." 

- Audre Lorde, "Poetry is not a luxury."

It's eerie how much my collapsed drained self today wrote things that echo the very bits and pieces of Audre Lorde I also started to read this afternoon. 

What I wrote, before reading her:

I need to free myself from the fear puzzle of

how will I survive?

how will this vision survive?

am I failing at being in this world?

These hard binaries make no room for the hope and possibility-creating that are actually needed for a way out of our present difficulties.

The closing down of possibilities in the mind by fear - this is what we must shake loose. What a task, in this world where there is so much that activates fear regularly.

So much that stumbles us over the past

threatens us with the future

but hope comes from learning from those who have fought these fights before.

And indeed, I am learning from Audre that it is poetry that will save us. Which is something my deepest self has always known. But it's been easy to forget that in the bustle of life-maintaining, of business strategizing, of apartment hunting.

I think the unexpected gift of collapse right now, of not being able to do shit, of lying on the bed with an ice pack baby moaning in a cloud of September heat and fatigue, is that it's returning me to a visceral sense of poetry. That as I think all three of us having learned many times in our lives, when all else seems elusive and out of reach, poetry is always there, somehow, waiting to restore us to ourselves.

"These places of possibility within ourselves are dark because they are ancient and hidden; they have survived and grown strong through that darkness. Within these deep places, each one of us holds an incredible reserve of creativity and power, of unexamined and unrecorded emotion and feeling. The [Feminine's] place of power within each of us is neither white nor surface; it is dark, it is ancient, and it is deep." [I'm using Feminine instead of "woman" here.] 

She also says this, astonishingly, which is reaching me at a deep level right now because I am unusually exhausted and unable to hold my usual fountain of ideas, which are what I'm used to relying on for hope.

"When we view living in the european mode only as a problem to be solved, we rely solely upon our ideas to make us free, for these were what the white fathers told us were precious. 

"But as we come more into touch with our own ancient, non-european consciousness of living... [we] respect those hidden sources of our power from where true knowledge and, therefore, lasting action comes." 

The other part of what I wrote today, again prior to reading her (!), is this:

I want to write my way out of urgency. Out of the mind-numbing dread. Away from the jaded derelict treasures of late capitalism parading themselves around as its own guilty pleasure. I should like to move towards an open field, towards a cool bath for my heart. 

I am starting to understand why Audre Lorde is a refuge for so many. I think I need to get off my Facebook feed more often and read her when I am heartsore and in need of hope. Because clearly, I'm not the first to struggle with these things, and our generation is not the first to be in search of answers in the dark times. <3 

- T  

The In Between Time

Hello loves.

Writing from the strange in between time in which I find myself, where my semester is over but not totally over and I'm getting better after being really sick but not totally better and my nervous system is calming after being really activated a lot recently but not totally calm.

I'm also going to get my period any day now, and I'm feeling the flux of hormones in my body, the extra sensitivity and irritation and difficulty sleeping and mood swings and deep sadness and anger processing through me. I'm thinking about how in tune fenix is with the rhythms of their bleeding cycle and how much permission they give themself to be with what they know they need in different parts of their cycle...I don't feel as much awareness around my cycle, except in the week leading up to it, when it announces itself with sore breasts and sore pelvic bowl and extra irritation and migraines and mood swings and trouble sleeping. And sometimes, like this time, with getting really sick.

I had been going non stop for a while, though trying to pace myself, motivated both by self-care and love and by fear of getting really sick if I overdid it. It was going alright, but then the workshop that was supposed to happen in March and had to be rescheduled (for obvious reasons) snuck up and jumped on me. Workshops in my program are intensive all-day things that happen on two consecutive Saturdays, and this one had been rescheduled for the last two Saturdays in the semester.

So my careful rationing of energy, fitting everything I needed to do into the time I had available with enough time around it for me to take care of myself, fell through the floor. I started trying to readjust things and postpone things that could be postponed to make room for it, but in the end there was no getting around the enormous drain on my energy.

The workshop itself was actually really wonderful, it was on Facilitation and Dialogue, and run by my adviser, a very cool person. It was his class that Tessa and I sat in on when we came to visit the school in 2018, and that was the main reason I felt really good and excited about actually enrolling (because the weird tour and everything else was so unimpressive lol). But I hadn't actually had a class with him until this, so I was excited about it. It was really lovely...he always makes time for everyone to free write while listening to beautiful music, and he uses storytelling to teach, and he arranged the structure of the day really well, trying to take into consideration that a workshop via zoom is a different kind of thing (he didn't actually have us be on zoom from 9-5 for instance, just from 9-2:30, which was really helpful).

But in between the two Saturdays, I ended up having to spend hours and hours prepping for the final assignment in my Media and Conflict class, which honestly I had been struggling with and dreading all semester. It was about monitoring and analyzing mass media, and everyone had picked topics at the beginning of the semester to monitor. I had, unfortunately, picked the primaries, because I wanted a topic I really cared about, and at the time I very much thought things would go differently. And because our professor wanted us to do this with partners, one of my class mates signed on as well.

Even when things with the primaries weren't total shit, though, I was having trouble engaging with the three news sources we were supposed to be monitoring - CNN, NBC/MSNBC, and Fox. Ugh. I honestly hate all of them with a passion, and find looking at them physically toxic. So I hadn't really been keeping up with them all semester, and my partner hadn't really either, what with all the disruption, and also because we hadn't really narrowed down our specific focus until the very end.

We decided to focus on the media's treatment of Bernie before and after he dropped out / before and after coronavirus. So I ended up going on each of the three media sights and searching Bernie Sanders and going through months of articles, copying and pasting the ones that seemed relevant.

God, it was exhausting, disheartening, depressing, anger-inducing...and I did this for hours and hours over several days...I hate mass media so much, wow. I mean, it was certainly interesting to see the extreme machinations of the corporate media glamour machine, but it was also really hard on my subtle bodies.

And then I had class and then I had another workshop and then my partner and I met to try to get somewhere with all of this and she had started putting together a power point but hadn't been able to narrow down which articles we should focus on so we ended up spending the whole time figuring that out, and drawing some preliminary conclusions. I was trying not to feel frustrated with her, because she's super super busy in her last semester of grad school and trying to help her sister keep her restaurant afloat, I honestly have no idea how she's doing all of that. But at this point I did kind of feel like I had done a lot more work on this project than she had. And we only had one more day before we had to present it.

Aaaaand....the next day, the day before our presentation, when we were going to try to finish analyzing all these articles and putting it all together and everything, I woke up so sick I could barely move. I could barely open my eyes or get out of bed. And I still tried to start doing the work. But after awhile I had to recognize that there was no way I could do all of that and probably no way I could even show up to class to present.

My partner and my professor were very understanding, at least in their texts/emails. At the time I didn't even feel conflicted about it at all, because it was so clear that I really had no choice in the matter. I took it very easy that day and the next day I slept through almost the whole time that I would have been in class.

I realized at some point that what was going on was this virus thing that I've been dealing with off and on for a year. It starts with a rash, and then I feel a little extra tired, and then it hits me like a freight train. And I think it almost always gets me right around that week before my period. And it definitely gets triggered by stress, so the stress of the end of the semester and the workshop and not sleeping enough and really, the stress of those fucking news articles...the grief and pain of what the fucking mass media did to Bernie's campaign, the lengths they went to to stop him and then to turn around and flat out deny that they were trying to stop him...the gaslighting, the baldfaced corruption hiding behind layers and layers of intricately recursive glamour...god, it was evil, and it was awful to go through that in depth tour of it. It made me so, so physically sick, and I'm still dealing with the ways that it effected me.

And I'm also dealing with my feelings about having to miss that last class, the last class of the semester, and feeling guilty about my partner having to present half-prepared by herself, and feeling like I have no closure, and still not being sure if we're going to have to redo the presentation and send in a recording of it...which I really, really don't want to do, because this fucking assignment made me sick to my soul. But another part of me really wanted to do it, wanted to fucking officially analyze how shitty and screwed up the media is in their treatment of Bernie. But I don't think I actually can do it. It hurts too much.

But this whole thing is also bringing up all this stuff about having to miss so many things in my life because of being sick, and all of the misunderstanding I've gotten about it, and I have all of this fear come up that my partner hates me now and thinks I really let her down...and then I feel angry because I did so much hard work on this assignment that it actually made me sick....and part of me feels like my contribution is meaningless now because I couldn't do the final part...but I don't think any of that is really true. My partners texts to me were really understanding and she thanked me for doing so much work on the articles. This whole situation just brings SO MUCH SHIT UP from so many different angles, so many different times in my life...

And now I have one final assignment from that class before I can be done with it (unless we have to redo out presentation, which I really hope not), and that's to write a one to two page paper just reflecting on the class and my experience and what I got out of it. He changed that from having to write out a more in depth analysis of our mass media project, which I am grateful for, because again - I don't think I can touch that subject anymore. But even this reflection paper was feeling really hard, because I had all of this stuff in the way, all of these intense feelings about how this final assignment went and how I got so sick at the very end of it, and couldn't even finish out the class with everyone. I wanted to be there at that final class, get to discuss and debrief the semester with everyone, get to say goodbye. Now it feels so strange for it to just have ended....no more waking up at eight AM and rolling out of bed and onto zoom....haha. But I'll miss it, as strange as that was.

Talking it out with Tessa really helped though, and writing it out here. It's been a really overwhelming couple of weeks. It's been a weird fucking semester. I started it out feeling so crappy, and I was having such a hard time for the first half of it, because I just felt so physically awful and I didn't feel like I could get my momentum going and I couldn't keep up with the mountains of reading and was struggling emotionally with feeling like I could do any of it. Then the pandemic hit and campus shut down and sent everybody reeling, but weirdly that actually really helped me, because suddenly I had permission to be struggling, there was so much understanding, because everybody was now struggling. That was actually really healing for me. And I no longer needed to actually get myself out of the house and drive myself to school and struggle to find parking and walk up a giant hill to get to class, I just had to get on zoom. And partially with the help of these things, and partially because of the natural cycling of things in my body and in my being, I started to feel way better than I had in quite a while.

And I spent most of the second half of the semester feeling really good, navigating lockdown really well, feeling really close to Tessa, feeling really hopeful and happy about school. Before these last couple weeks that really overloaded me, I had been feeling consistently better than I have probably since I was a child. And that's really amazing. I'm trying to remind myself of that, and remind myself that it will come back, even as these last few days have been really hard, since I got sick and am going up and down a lot as I heal. But even with that, I'm healing faster than ever from one of these virus episodes. And a lot of the physical pain and discomfort I've been having I think is really related to all of the deep emotions I'm processing...

I want to feel good. I want to dance. I want to be in my body. I want to play music, I want to sing, I want to create tools and spaces of healing for people. When I'm not feeling good I have so much stuff come up, from all of the years that all of those things felt so out of reach. But I know they're actually closer than ever. I know I'm getting ready to actually move into my power and my flow.

I miss you, Isabella. I loved your last post, by the way. I haven't been able to comment because things have been so crazy and I've been finding it hard to communicate. But I loved it, and I read it at a time when I really needed to hear about the things you were talking about <3 <3 <3 and the story that you shared about the belly and the head and the heart was sooooo nourishing and real and good and part of what I'm going through too.

I'm reminding myself that it's okay not to feel good. It's okay for things to feel hard. It's okay not to know how things are going to turn out. It's okay to slow down and rest. It's okay to just breathe and enjoy the moment. It's okay to feel weird and sad. And things are healing at a deep level within me. It's been a weird semester, but I have done a lot of amazing things with it, and there are more amazing things to come. It feels weird to feel so hopeful and positive in the middle of global crisis, but in some ways it's the global crisis itself that's making me feel so hopeful and positive. I've lived so long in a constant state of personal disruption, to have that disruption mirrored on a global scale gives me hope that things are cracking open, that things are getting ready to change in big ways, that there will actually be room for change and possibility for change in places where there wasn't before. For sure, nothing will be the same after this. And I'm glad.

Love you both so much.

<3 <3 <3

Alia

Bee-ing, simmering old coals, learning from lizards.

Things I want to say about being a busy bee, resting, letting things be. There's an infinite Google doodle game live today for Earth Day, and it's fun, but also kind of exhausting. You guide a bee to pollinate many, many flowers, and it's hard to keep up. After awhile, you're led to a mandala where you get an educational fact about bees, and {most importantly} you can rest.

I am so tired, even though I've been getting enough sleep. My body is weary from processing so many old stories. And though I know I am pollinating future flowers by gathering the data now, it feels disheartening because all week I have been struggling to feel able to do external things, to feel like I can make progress. It's also hard to make words come out, because I want to write about the process. I did write a whole post yesterday about working softer for the Rain Blooming blog. Currently feeling frustrated because it feels like I am externalizing pieces here and there, but they're not coming together yet into a whole.

Pulling wool feeling out of my ears with the gadget that sucks pressure out of headaches. Power tool buzzing outside. Am I in Seattle? /sarcasm

It is hard to feel like this because it's how I felt so many days living in the Northwest, struggling to be okay even though I couldn't think or do anything. Alia says to be with myself, to try to feel into inner tugs, and know that even working softly I may need to overcome a bit of inertia, but it's okay if I'm following the inner pulls towards what wants to happen.

There are things I want to say - about living through a pandemic and revisiting everything I have learned from chronic illness about making it through, day by day. My mao tells me that the world is getting ready to want the things we have to offer, that we're creating. And to trust that things are happening at the right pace, even when it doesn't feel like it.

But I want to cry with frustration, being inside this numb blank woolly feeling, while knowing with this sort of awareness external to my agency that there is so much that I want to do but it won't go. I'm pushing again. Let me try to talk to the numbness, feel into it. What are you? What do you need?

It tells me that it's trying to process the intensity of everything that has happened to me, that it needs me to be very patient and very slow, that it has things to teach me.

I cradle the hurting place in me that screams at me to go faster. I tell it that I know it hurts, I know this feeling state doesn't make a lot of sense, that the incongruence of thought and ability right now is super painful. I tell it that it's doing so well, and that I'm proud of how it breathes and tries to be okay with what is, to undo the conditioning that tests its limits.

Under the surface, I can feel grief. And I gently disarm the inner critic who has learned to resist grief, to apply labels of "too much" and "this again?". I invite the grief to arise as much as it needs to. It's tricky, trying to feel into this grief - it's like a shy animal that retreats. Like the lizard we found in our apartment this morning. It ran outside and hid in the shadows of the balcony. When we tried to grab it, to take it back down to ground level, it retreated into a rain-hole and I saw it from the other side of the balcony wall, poking its head out of the rain gutter, its little tongue darting out. That's how my grief feels. Maybe this lizard is coming to teach me, today. Maybe it's teaching me about lying fallow, about befriending the place in me that feels skittish, hermit-like. Actually, the tarot card I drew today was the Hermit. Well then.

Trying not to judge my writing, the stream of consciousness. Sometimes I feel so non-cosmic in what and how I process my day to day, compared with the two of you - especially you, Isabella. I have been struggling to feel like I can meet you in the esoteric web you're aware of weaving with maos, and I've been feeling guilty about not replying yet to your post.

But I think I need to find a way to honor the fact that I have unwittingly been in retreat this past week, inside the dome of symptom flares and intensive trauma healing. These threads go back so far, they pull at ways in which my being shut down when I was 7, 9, 12, I don't know. All I know is that I am trying to consciously be with, for the first time in many years, these subtle gradients of pain and depression and fog living.

(I guess this is my version of working through the dark place right now, the way it's manifested concretely in this life for me.)

Puttering around. Writing and planning bits here and there. Making little foods. Just finished eating some stir-fried kale and celery with Momspice and a few smoked oysters over rice. Already feeling hollow again inside. I've been so hungry all the time, and it's not really just for food. There's so much I'm craving, have been craving for so long. I'm missing my home, my roots, having a conversation with Jess about trying to trace back our indigeneity. Breathing with all this complexity. Sitting in the 80 degree heat that is San Diego heading towards summer. A deeply quiet, hot day, simmering things inside like a wood stove or maybe a dragon.

<3 Tessa

Feeling very funny...

Feeling very funny...waiting for my professor to show up for our virtual office hours. Feeling so funny about school in general, life, health, money...intertwining systems of oppression...not sure how to talk about what's going on with me, even on here, much less with somebody I don't know as well.

I've been finding myself missing Port Townsend. It's a like a deep ache in my body, for that land, that beautiful numinous liminal space...but then feeling how the people who get to sink into that space and really enjoy it and connect to that land are mostly white and carrying problematic cultures with them. Which is maybe why it always felt so close but so far away, that magic energy of that place. I felt so connected to it on my own, in my own inner spaces and my own ways; and then I would come into contact with groups of people, families and communities, that seemed to be living together in sacred connection to the land, but there was always something missing, something not quite right, that meant I couldn't actually lean fully into those communal spaces and receive that connection. And it was so hard, to feel it and be apart from it. But while the land of Port Townsend was nurturing me so deeply, and while there were people who treated me with love and kindness, the human element of that place ended up overarchingly being so toxic to me. And that settler culture has been so toxic to the land, too, and so continuously cruel to its Indigenous people; how to navigate white spaces that are trying to find other ways to live, but which still have so much unexamined baggage? When we all live in this milieu of unexamined colonial baggage, which is the legacy of European suffering projected onto the rest of the world? The white folks in PT are trying in their own ways to heal from that original wound, which is so necessary. But that culture still denies space to those of us who can't play by its rules, can't ignore the undercurrents of pain that still run in the soil.

But I miss the land. I'm happy to be here in the sun, but I miss that tremendous magic of sheltered green earth and wet sky and wild wind. I miss the lights over the water and the clock tower and the flowers in the gardens. I miss that brief period when I had some happiness there and was full of wonder, even as the shadows were creeping in...I just finished re-reading Sabriel, by Garth Nix, and it brought me so viscerally back to the time period when I was first reading it, which was this brief glorious moment when I was starting to feel the power in me but before it was sideswiped by darkness from inside and out. I miss that time. I miss that family. I miss those friends. I feel so broken into pieces in comparison...so washed up by the tide of my life.

But I wouldn't go back, not really. And I still carry the light of that time in my heart, in my bones. I had a window of magical opportunity to connect with my soul and with maos and it was beautiful. Then I had to descend into the dark place and reclaim those memories in this life. And I did. And I'm still doing it.

Descending...feeling that pressure....feeling that pull. Feeling the tide trying to turn. Feeling it turn in me. Feeling all the despair and hope and despair and hope...wondering how it will feel when I emerge out of this cocoon. Wondering what I'm doing here right now. Sometimes it all feels fruitless. Sometimes I just want my mao with all my being and I can't feel anything else. Sometimes I wonder if I am who I think I am, or if the world of forms is right after all...sometimes I wonder if it even matters. These days I'm feeling so full of confusion so much of the time, pulled in all directions. Missing PT and not believing that I'm missing PT. But it's not PT that I'm missing...it's that time. That time when I could feel so clearly the pull of the wild, of the Mother, of the maos...and it was in me and I was in it. And it was all around me. And right now I feel stagnant and energyless in a world that wasn't made for me.

I dreamed about my mao...

I could feel him holding me

I can feel him so close and present these days, too, even as I'm struggling with all of this doubt, which feels like such a strange dichotomy. Like in some ways I'm closer than ever to him, and in some ways I feel farther than ever? It's very weird.

I've also been feeling my brother, SO close and sooooo real...like feeling the presence of someone you know so well, and knowing they're just in the next room. But then the parts of me that are so full of doubt get really worked up, because my brother actually showing up would prove everything to be real. And those parts of me feel uncomfortable believing that that will happen. And then other parts of me think, don't we already have proof that this is all real? Don't we get more proof all the time? Will there ever actually come a time when there will be enough "proof" to convince these parts of myself, or is it not really about that? Do these parts that doubt need something else? Healing? Understanding?

And is it the same for humanity? I think about the early days of the TS, when HBP and other maos and kittens were doing all kinds of phenomena to "prove" the existence of maos and of extraordinary powers latent in humanity...and they convinced some people, but others remained determined to find any excuse not to believe. Even to the point of actually manufacturing "evidence" that HBP was really just using trickery and sleight of hand. So what good is proof and evidence, when the reality won't convince some people and the unreality can be manipulated so readily?

When I start going down that rabbit hole I start going over my own "proof" in the my head...the way that I woke up to all of this, the fact that I was talking to my mao before I even knew who he was, which feels like it wouldn't happen if it was just glamour. It feels like the glamour versions of maos are very tied up with specific ideas about who they are. And my experience wasn't like that at all. I was having all of these mao feelings and memories and experiences way before I knew what they were...like the time in the Roerich museum when I was 12, or even when I was a tiny boo and I was climbing up bookshelves to get at the Agni Yoga books, before I could even read or had any idea what they were about.

And then I think about how Tessa woke up to maos, without very much prompting or leading or guiding or anything on my part. I just gave her some books and talked about esoteric philosophy in really general terms, not at all trying to make her believe in anything. And then Dancing in the Shadows of the Moon just found her on its own, and then...when I was missing my mao and she asked me what I was feeling and I said I was missing....someone....and she knew who it was, before I even said it. Either we're having a very coherent and frankly telepathic simultaneous delusion, oooooor this is real.

And then Isabella!

And you were like "awww who are you missing, Tessa?"

And she was like "....my mao...."

And you were like "Oh yes, I can see him, let me go talk to him" and then that shit EXPLODED lollll

And seriously could we all be making that up? That whole thing? Both of those waking ups resulted in sudden very big changes in our lives. Don't think that comes out of nowhere.

Anyway...it's been an interesting day. My Professor and I never connected, we got our Zoom links crossed. Oh well.

And I decarboxylated a bunch of weed (baked it to activate the THC) so I could make drinks with it and not have to smoke and DANG that shit is potent! I've underestimated it two days in a row now, lol. So I've spent most of the afternoon trippin'. And I can feel maos and I can feel the changes going on and I can feel so much...trying not to be overwhelmed by it. Trying to stay with it and let things flow. Shakti running through me...needing to move. We had a really excellent conversation with fenix today, it felt so good and nourishing and healing, about how we're moving through these times and working through our traumas and healing our ancestors.

Changing the codes in my DNA, changing the codes in my DNA
Singing the song that is changing our bones
Changing the codes
Singing it everywhere.

It's okay to change, be lost.
It's okay to stay strong or be weak
It's okay to lose sleep
It's okay to be tired
It's okay to be wired
It's okay to be sad
It's okay to be filled with awe
Let it all in

It's changing us, this messenger.
It's changing our codes, our DNA
It's changing our bones, our mechanisms
For change it's changing our
Understanding of Life
It's changing the way we see each other
It's moving us onward
And we're about to find out
What's next

Oh
Yeaaaaaaaah

;D Alia

My hidden life in self isolation

Grateful for this blog, this collective space where we can synthesize our energy. I feel it can really help hold and build us, pick us up from places just through witnessing, sending energy of love, care, empathy, and amusement <3

I just want to write and be free. Too tired to over think, wanting to connect, excited to connect, as if my heart leaps out. What a joy it is to write without caring about form, also knowing your loves will see it, just writing what comes now.

My double life, secret life, my private life can be pried open a little bit here, spilled into reality, that is shared with not just myself and my invisible network but with other people. FLESH PEOPLE (I mean I have touched their flesh and know for sure!), how exciting, I love flesh people. flesh bodies. A different kind of person to experience than an etheric body, an astral body, which are fine too I guess. If they are nice maos.

Today I spent some time with actual people. This quarantine life is not too different than my everyday life, I hardly go out, do not talk to many people...I did not want to go to the farm today. I have been feeling exhausted, I wake up in the morning and write down the mao work we have been doing, for the archives. Plus it helps me understand it more, and grounds the experience, but as I write about it, I feel activated and spurred into a triggering conversation with one of the maos. It is exhausting, and I collapse. What am I am writing about anyway, why am I mad? The exhaustion I feel makes me snap out of it, and I want to curl up and go back to sleep. Crawl into a deep hole and never wake up. I complain about going to work, and plus it is raining, complain about the farmer life, kind of jokingly. It is actually very light work I am doing now and only for a few hours. Dividing and organizing Dahlia's. But nothing in me wants to go, and every time I feel resistance. It is just that Beth needs me I say, and I am the only one that knows how to do it right now. And it is the only thing I feel grounding me to this world, and mostly I just cannot let down Beth, as if we have some secret pact that says " I will show up and we can depend on each other, get through these next few years together." I care about her and always feel warmth when she is around. She silently understands and does not push me, let's me be gentle with myself. I force myself to go, colin helps by making my lunch and the sun comes out to encourage me too.

I never want to go, but every time I do I am so thankful. It was pouring down rain when I got there, Beth and I waddled out in our rain jackets laughing and of course as we hurriedly tried to move all of the things we needed for our work into the shed it became sunny and beautiful. LOL, but it was joyful. I did not think about maos, or my body, or exhaustion for a moment.

Until a Co-worker started talking about her love life. It amused me, as if through other people's stories I can learn what it is like to date around or have a conventional love life. Every time I hear someone talk about their love life I remember how mine is not conventional and I can't tell anyone about it, not exactly. We talk about the "types"of lovers we are into, I hear all about hot farmer Billy, and I tell them I am more into the kinky sciencey types. I throw out tantric master to see what the reaction is. (eye brows raised)

I realize on the drive home how some people have the privilege of talking about their lives and sharing with others, and I most of the time feel I do not. But I have just gotten used to it. Today I got invited to share though, today I am remembering I have friends, I am not alone.

The other day I cried of heartbreak moving through my trauma around isolation. I was triggered by all of the social media posts saying now is the time more then ever to reach out to your community, share with your loved ones. I have been having deep desires to reach out and help the world, in some kind of external way, wishing to show up. But it feels like reaching from inside of a deep hole and everyone feels so far away, even when I do not realize it. I had to move through the helplessness, of wanting to help and feeling so tired, and really not having any kind of real community here, but a few people here and there...feeling so disconnected from most people. In this midst of this I casually reached out to an old friend I knew from New Mexico whom I saw on my birthday. We talked about about astrology, they are a scorpio and I told them I love scorpio's because of how they they keep secrets, have great depth and hold dark places. They are kind and gentle I said, and I was actually thinking about Alia ( you have the same birthday as this person) But this person got activated by this text and sent me a really mean text back, the first time someone has been mean to me in a long time. Which activated my feelings of people are not safe, others are not safe, its safer to be alone, and not reach out. Reaching out is bad, and only causes harm, So much safer to stay hidden, and unknown. Safer to be quiet and self isolated. Always self isolated, sometimes it feels hard for me to know another way.

I went through my life story of once being very social, with a group of people who felt toxic, even though I loved them, then had a spiritual crisis in my early 20's and have remained disconnected from most people since then, I went so deep inside to get away from people who I felt had hurt me, I found people inside, an inner community which totally freaked my shit out. WHAT? I was trying to run away from people through self isolation, through coming to know myself and be by myself and came to find people! talking back to me? engaging with me? becoming my whole entire life...Felt as if I needed balance and I called for it, released the judgment that I can't help others and can't know and have community. Cried wanting maos in the flesh, wanting KH, felt afraid of not knowing if that will ever happen, even when I have given what feels like my whole world over to it.  Felt angry about it, feeling like I am so afraid of this world, afraid of the people here and feel like I can barely function at all in it, but all I want to do is help and connect to this world and humanity. Released emotions, moved on...

This week has been lit. By that I mean I spent days of what feels like "on call." Spent days being unable to do anything but lay down and rest because it is all i can do, because "we are working things out." Even when I do not know exactly what it is, because of the brain fog. Have more clarity now, we are working out old patterns inherited from the moon chain, happening in multiple bodies in sync, moving the frozen feelings from the separation gap between the mother and father principles within us. Building that bridge by going deep, evolving places that were not able to move before. Extra painful from being held back.

M came to me the other day, SK passed me to him. It was on a day I could do nothing but sleep and wonder why my body felt like a bag of rocks, and even walking was hard. I forced myself to go for a small walk to feel alive, came back and felt nauseous. That was when they came. M told me to go up stairs, told me he was sorry, he knew it was hard during these times but we still had to work. He had seen what was coming up, and I felt his compassion for it and for me. As the nausea arose he instructed me to go upstairs and get on my hands and knees, to move into a position of mercy, I felt the pain moving in me, I cried and spit it up and did feel better. He instructed me to go to the bed and move into fetal position, this posture helped to, helped me move the energy through my body. He said what was coming up was connected to DK, frozen feelings DK had shared with me, that I niavely laughed at because I thought the was cure and endearing there. No laughing matter now he pointed out. I understood now what we were poking at. Though I had no conscious understanding of it, just sensation of intense pain in my body. He guided me to hold his hand as the waves moved through me, and it felt like biting down on something hard while you just bear to get through it. He moved away and it felt more at ease, said that his presence was also triggering it to move in me, but he was helping it move by being there and eventually it processed out into peace. Felt like giving birth in reverse. Colin said it made the house feel wonderful when it was happening. I had no idea what was going on. But M said that it would be continuing to move in the next few days. He is a good friend. And I feel thankful for his help, sweetness and strength.

And it did continue to move. And what is it, exactly? Well its the Mother moving through all of us, needing to move what she has been holding within us, needing to expand us, its life force, it is us, held back held down in the unconscious, spurred by the movement of the One we are connected to, It is our evolution, a community process.

Yesterday it got so intense that the maos told me that I needed to quell it, they said we can't take it right now, it is too much. Clarity, it is too much to process. Too much at times to see the unseen, unprocessed, and deal with everything else on our plates. This pattern I have been working out with SK, and other maos who hold the keys in their body to move it within us. I was watching a movie when I started to feel it coming, the maos warned me. Said that it was coming up in them too, like a wave of energy we all need to release and process. H warned me it was about our dark place, apologized, said it just has to move. It was spurring up our dark place story but it is even deeper, it is in the crevices between us, between many, and we need many to see it and know it. This pattern came up. One that has felt like it held me down, held the mother down, the feminine down, when she needed to move. Came up again and I felt a choice to shut it up in violence, which I felt has been done to me or listen to it, and ask the mother for help about how she wants to be received. And how do I receive her force within me when it feels like too much, and others wants me to stop and no one else can hold me or receive me. I had to quell it at first too, feeling no I am in the middle of something, can it wait? No it can't wait, if it waits it pools into my body and becomes pain and discomfort. We went up stairs to move it and went through visions of multidimensional trauma, trauma that was causing discomfort in many people who were letting me know, I needed to find out how to stop it. I moved into crisis mode feeling the pressure of maos wanting me to control this and feeling it take over me. I went to SK, who noted that I had not yet discovered how to stop this movement, movement of kundalini moving through me showing me old repressed energy we could not process before, and I hardly knew how to process now. His note had me moving into my body, asking the Mother for help, I asked her if there was a way I could receive this energy, this life force, which felt like pure anger, that felt good for her, and for all of us. I said I needed it to clam down now, but I did not want to repress us. She said receive me as a blessing. And then I started feeling the whole experience differently. I started feeling this raw harsh anger as pure energy that hit on my heart not to break it and destroy me but open me up and transform me, create a new shape to flow in. I felt this energy working with my body deva and I just gave way, trusting her, trusting this mergence trusting this emotional energy was a blessing, and saw it turn into golden light filling out my aura. This was some of the frozen feeling stuck between H, DK and I, maybe others, and it just needed an outlet. Receiving the energy as a blessing changed the way I experienced it, and it did not felt forced, because I was pushed to a place of really needing a new way of feeling it, and knowing this experience. Opening up the void, receiving the energy which had been currently stored within me as dangerous, awful, unwanted, impossible to handle or feel. Receiving her I felt the Mother happy, happy to move in me and her fiery anger turned into enthusiasm to grow and expand, destroy and rebuild. I asked her if we could stop now and she calmed down, feeling satisfied, I loved her and thanked her for her blessing and finally felt my body come to rest.

A snap shot of my life, over a 3 day period, and I have no idea if it is normal or not, just know I can't share it with most people. Not even Colin, who lives with it and at least pets me and tells me I am good.

Thankful to share here. Much love to our soul group, operating in these funny fleshy bodies, moving through pain, continuing on, forging another way to be, exist and feel in this world, this world we have inherited from another chain, scheme, system of being. A world of deep suffering DK wrote out with Alice Bailey. But I feel still a world worth our time and love. Worth weaving into. I thought about today how amazing it is that we three have connected, aligning our already connected inner worlds and can share our common experiences. What are the odds...but also of course? Isn't it how it works? These laws of attraction and repel, it is pretty cool. We all came here together, pulled together to this place and time, to break open yet again, into a new cycle, pulling this world onward. It is beautiful, the evolution of a planetary logos and we are all involved. Every cell is sacred. Every feeling fleshes us out, for the sake of beauty, love, desire, longing, we have come together, despite all of these deep patterns of separation that pushed us out into being. Hopeful just hearing you speak, hope filled just to speak to you and say I love you. I love you!

<3 Isabella