Everything Reweaving Through Us

I'm feeling light and floaty, full of hope and full of....a sense of letting go, control leaking out of my spine to rest with the flowers that grow in the spring...control of the past self, struggling so hard to survive in a world convinced of its own harshness and cruelty. I'm coming to believe in another way, the way that I've always known was there, and felt it in the edges of my perception, rolling hills and valleys full of sway, we begin to question the unknown and find trinkets of lost talismans of safety. Put them together and the old ways yield the new, and we become fuller and more prone to flowering.

I feel a deep resonance in my bones. A shivering, tendrils of light weaving down into me...doing the Rainbow Bridge meditation again, feeling it hold me gently in the arms of my soul. We need that soul magic right now. We need to remember that the times feel like they're rolling off a cliff but we're really rolling toward communion, reunion, the sound of the bells on the gates of morning. The gates of mourning...we must mourn the lost connections, fed by the stream of old shells, lives left in the shadows, we once more rise and introduce ourselves to our own knowing. We reintroduce ourselves to the wisdom in our veins. The past time calling like a crow on the wire, coming down and pecking at our overgrown hedges, telling us in tedium it's time to reignite the fire, the flame calls soul ringing down to the ground of our only palpable desire....to live again, full and fresh and fruiting, surrounded by time and the tides of surrendering, the mountains of change that roll slowly over the landscape of rain dropping down on our sinking fallacies...

We connect with lightness, with darkness, with shadow, with grace, the face of the mountain singing and ringing in space, the unseen becomes our necklace and we wear it with the truth of the promise it brings...falls about us in ribbons, lace and the time I took scissors to the dresses and then fell back through a hole in time to the beginning of the end and heard the weeping and felt the tear drops on my skin, hot as iron, soft as dust, I felt what was lost and what was so far from being redeemed....

But we are coming now to the crossroads of change, and it is strange, and it is tired, and it is time. It is fire and the rain brings life to the growing things and the sun reminds us of what we always knew was true. We always knew. We always knew. We always knew you in our bones, rhythming the welcome song, we always knew. Welcome home. We meet you where we are. Welcome in, the shining in our bones, calls us lost and passionately free.

That was Thursday's free writing, finished up today. I started it after I did half of an online Pilates workout and I felt so electric and alive in my body, electric and alive and trembly jelly. Now I'm feeling...sore and feeling sad at the lack of strength in my body. Feeling the pull to be different than I am. Trying to come back to now...dissociating. Need to do my dissociation homework. But first I need to get a few things out on here....

Feeling kind of sad these last few days, and very tired. Trying not to fight it. Fighting fighting it sometimes though, which doesn't help. Just....feeling very helpless sometimes. And it's bringing stuff up in me. Stuff about worthiness and work and not feeling like I can do things in any recognizable way and then wondering if there really is a way out there for me, even as I feel so deeply that there is, I know it, I KNOW it, I can feel it in my bones, I've always known. But sometimes it seems so far.

Tessa and I talked today about things that come up for them when they see other people doing work that is so much like ours. I have things too. It's come up with Turtle Tank a lot. And other things. Some part of me, the scared part, laments what feels like my inefficacy, my holding of these visions with what feels like so little to show for it, while others build things that can be seen...and I find myself wondering, maybe they got the same call that I did but they're actually doing it and I'm not, and it's too late for me. This is all zero-sum game capitalist free market competition thinking, I know. But it's tangled up in the rejection of my Projector wisdom, my vision, my knowing, my ways of working and being, and all of the misrecognitions that have come with that, since I was a child, and all of the wounds and traumas of that mix up with the pain of being sick for so long and having so little energy and having to be so internal while others could go out in the world and manifest things.

It's bitterness, and it reminds me of my mom's bitterness too, that she has about similar things. And it feels like it goes back in my lineage, back into the depths of antiquity and the original woundings of my foremothers. forefathers. One of those two words has the red spellcheck line underneath and one of them doesn't. Guess which one? And there's another wound.

I love you Isabella. I love the work that you do for the Mother. I feel her pain in me, and that pain is so holy and wholly necessary. And needs to be recognized in order to be redeemed, and the masculine must feel it and feel their part in it and feel it in them. And you're holding that bridge, that line of connection open. Which is so hard. I am too, in a different way. Between Shakti and the Void and maos. Painful, and our wounds are all interlocking, interwoven traumas, dealt to us in our sacrifice, our effort to rearrange the cosmos and reorder the past and begin again. And we're doing it. But it was so, so hard.

I moved some deep grief in my lungs this morning and felt an indescribably longing for my mao. An existential pain that went right to edge of unbearable. I felt how some part of me has been bearing it for my whole life, and beyond. And I said to him, "I don't think I can take this for much longer," and I felt the truth of that...also knowing that I'll take it for as long as I have to, to get the job done that I came here to do...but I heard him say, "you won't have to." And then he said, "I'm sending my emissary/your brother to you" (I heard both, at the same time) and "he'll be here in a month, give or take a few weeks". And I was like...wait really?? And he said it again. So now I'm being with that, with wanting to believe, and my fear and my skepticism, and also some part of me that...really truly does believe it, in a comfortable knowing sort of way. And I'm trying to dwell into that.

It's very interesting. We'll see. But I also feel like whether or not it happens in that time frame isn't the point. It feels like what's important right now is how I be with my doubt, and how I be with my believe, and how far I'm willing to let myself believe.

When I was in the HBOT today, I woke up from a trance-like dream state, and tried to hold onto the visions I was having...they were about Altcorp, and everything we're synthesizing right now, all three of us together (and beyond), everything you were writing about in your blog post Isabella, the course you're taking, the way you're synthesizing the Altcorp vision into your life and your mao work with the online course and everything coming together....the way the different threads that we're working on are weaving into each other more and more strongly...I was having a vision of us holding the space for a vast global network of kittens, holding and balancing and weaving the threads together into a coherent whole that could benefit all of its parts and I could FEEL it, I was really there with it in this deep visioning trance state...it's coming together. And all of the world events right now, the pandemic, the election, it's all part of it too. It's all part of a vast coming together of so many plans long laid and set in motion...and we are here at the cusp of it, about to embark on the wildest journey of our lives. I feel it all. I see it. It's coming. It's here. It's all in the threads that are already present, weaving together, following the flow, the fault lines, moving and making changes, everything rearranges us and we rearrange everything until we are dancing together in the song we sang at the beginning the worlds are woken into presence and we can finally be free and whole and remember who we are. Together. Yes!

<3 Alia