Goddard always told us to trust the process, so let me try that again

Been thinking a lot about communication lately since I received some astro insight. Every astrology reading I have ever have points to communication, in some way of another. Mercury in Aquarius on the ascendent, other things I do not recall. I am always told I will be a writer... I have the skills in my chart. All about communication! In this last reading on my saturn return, I was told I was a harbinger of communication, that I will be developing new ways of communicating in the next few years, and that eventually there will come a time when I will make a public offering from what I learned. This news felt sweet and generous, unlike other readings where I was told I would be writing and to get writing. Some kind of destiny pressure I was starting to form within me. This title "writer" somewhat haunted me since childhood when a mother's friend told my mother the name Isabella Frank was that of a writer. Until these astrology readings I was supposed to be an Artist, like everyone else in my family, and writing only mattered when we had to bullshit an artist's statement, told to me many times sadly (why not write a meaningful artist's state people? Why did my art teachers in high school use the word bullshit?), why was the art world so devoid of meaning? why wasn't art sacred. Any way, as you can tell my journey growing up persuaded me to let go of this Artist as title, career...interest. And also to let go of this pressure to be a Writer!

But as a young adult, taking stock in astrology (can't help it), searching for my skills, searching for what I can offer to this world I wondered maybe I could be a writer, maybe it would fun. So I tried, and Goddard was my first attempt at trying... to communicate what mattered the most to me. Don't have to repeat the stories, ya'll know, and I am thankful for it, I am thankful for this space of undoing the misidentifications put onto me, and what I have to say. I feel ready to grow into a new relationship with writing, not just for myself but for an audience.

I had always hated writing even before I went to Goddard, I shut it down in me. I was good at making art, bad at everything else, I decided that was what an artist was for some reason. Maybe because I went to a school which was so divided up, you had visual arts students, dance majors, musicians, and a communication department so I was something already sorted out. But that is an old self, and old idea.

I write everyday, all day, but I journal just for me.  I map everything out, all that I see, and have dialogues with my soul, with maos, I record all that happens, not caring about typos, I just write because I have to, and wonder if my writing will ever leave text edits, and this journal archive I named wholeness journal 6 years ago.

Now I am feeling inspired by what Alia said to me on the full moon about how the writing I did at Goddard was not for them, it was for us. Feeling inspired by Tessa sharing their stories of how they write in the way that people seem to want, or get, but still are not being received. Felt compassion for that, and the kindness in sharing I received helped me break through to feel I want to share, and I want to share for pleasure, and I can share in pleasure.

I went back to my journal entries from 2015, randomly clicked on November in the archives. It was the semester where Sui Yee was our advisor. I remember I had a double life, and felt so compressed. Everything I wanted to study and cared about I suppressed, journaling to myself, kept it hidden while feeling the pressure to create something for these damn packets (for an audience). That still ended up being way to weird for her lol.

I went back not even searching for anything, just felt the draw. Re-reading entries I started falling in love with my process, started falling in love with myself in that time, and I heard the words of Alia again saying " it was for us," for the work we all came together to do. I did not tell anyone but I was really sick at that time, suffering from pain everyday for reasons I did not understand, and the pain, symptom certainly did not feel conventional. I felt couch ridden, and all I had was writing, journaling, but it was very hidden. I hid not feeling well from my family, and I still do for the most part. It just was not ok, or safe to feel how I felt, or being going through what I was going through, so I dug within myself even deeper to hide and find support. Reading back, I am feeling so much love for myself in those times when I felt so strange, weak and scared and actually really empowered. And I would love to share some of my entries. Amusing, wild, real...it is a snap shot into my adventure of waking up in this world with a different mode of communication.

Reading back I also am finding, someone was talking back to me, I was not alone. and maybe they were maos (probably were although I cannot tell who) Maybe SK. I called the other voice God, and that was good enough lol. Anyway I am sharing to reclaim that time, to remember I am an awesome communicator, to share what I could not share at Goddard, what I kept secret, which actually feels extremely relevant now, and also important for future kittens who may be going through similar things, or have. <3

November, 2015

I agree strange things are happening. This morning I was flung awake by a buzzing electricity in body. Unsure if I was being psychically attacked, I wasn't having bad dreams...?

Energy was coursing though me and out my legs. My whole lower body has been so tired. My womb felt like something major was going on. Not on drugs yet I feel so high all the time. In such strange ways. So much energy that it makes me feel very tired. My body just feels so different. 

to continue, its the next day…

My body has been changing a lot. 

I feel it on the inside changing electrically. I see different energy channels lighting up and moving. Maybe its finally time to stop looking for outward answers and start looking inward again…

Body has been stressed whatever transformations it has been going through has been one that require my body to be charging energy nonstop. I feel like I have veins all around my body that remind me of veins you would see in a nucleus, or placenta. I am in a placenta and I am changing. An energetic placenta. 

It feels very much tied to the earth and my lower charkras. 

Its not that I feel there has been a cleaning out down there but more like a transitional morphing. I'm scared. Because well I cant remember much that has happened when I look back in the week. Nothing seems to matter much. Even what people are saying, what i'm saying. What advice people give me. I just feel like it doesn't matter. That its not applicable anymore. It's a bit off. Their truth doesn't fit with me.

Anything that is logical or rational or seems like the right thing to do is seeming to me like it doesn't matter really. Like it will always be ok. Like I am always held in loving ethers. And I always have the power 

Realizing that my reality can be different then others and thats ok. 

It's harder to think linearly and it always leads to stress. Yet in this process I am still learning to trust. Learning to trust is really just going out to believe its ok, then experiencing that it is ok. 

My mind has been frustrated god. Because it feels or thinks that I need to have clarity and sharpness and definition to know what I want, to then state that out there to manifest. But I also believe in my desires. I want these two aspects of myself to wonderfully work together here. Its just that my mind has been feeling a bit clueless, I don't know if its because i'm not sure what I want. Its just that i'm not experiencing clarity. Must I seek clarity? Or do I move to trust? God in the giantess that you are someone must have figured this out?? please help me…

I would say trust that the clarity will come, but also that there is something to that tension that moves it into focus. I would also say then that the friction is the feeling of movement. (Oh, sacred movement)

My love I would say trust that you are working in multiples. On all levels. To achieve your souls desires, even in this lifetime. You have teams of yourself working with you. 

It is ok to be scared. I never want you to think that it is not. its perfectly ok to be afraid, it is not a useless feeling nor is it weakness. It's honest.

But god, I don't want to create with fear.

You wont create with fear when you change your attitude about it. When you feel that fear is a natural response that needs to be heard. Express fear, and hold it in Love. Then you don't summon it is exist as a “negative” part of yourself that “ruins things"….these are the little things that thwart a manifestation. It is not the fear itself. It is the subtle yet powerful judgments we hold about ourselves. We can still look at these my love and work on letting these go. Nature will do this with you when it is time to speak with it. 

December, 2015

I have a cap on that shuts out a lot. Makes what I feel unknown to me and my poor mind. I have a cap on

and underneath there is so much movement and swelling and coming into. I feel it all bubbling. My capped mind caps it off. why? something says its too overwhelming. Is this so? Am i missing out?

What would happen if I took off my cap? and REALIZED what was happening?

Nature do you recommend this?

This “cap” your referring to is your “grip” on reality. You don't want to take this off but I suggest you let it “pop” off on it's OWN right time. if it pops off too soon, you may burn out, you may loose your “shit” because you wont feel ready. The pressure comes from feeling ready. Ready to know. You are feeling pressure now. Just let the cap pop off naturally and it will.

Heat stirring like lava flowing underground. Brewing and movement and I don't know what it is. Don't know exactly what it all means now. But what does it feel like? Energy coming up from the earth. Spewing out. Letting out pressure slowly but it seems fast. Building pressure. We are all trying to hold this cap together. We call it our sanity. We try and hold all that we deem reliable and acceptable together. Yet we are being expanded, all of us. 

I don't want to rush my expansion, and I don't want to halt it. I want it to flow in its perfect timing. iI will move freely. I will follow the flow, like nature, like lava. 

What does my mind need to know? It needs to know that everything I feel like I need to get done will get done or wont be necessary to get done. It needs to know that it can trust. More then anything right now. That it can trust the will and it can trust flow. To get the WHOLE being where it wants and needs to be. Really it is learning to fulfill its desire. It just didn't realize that desire LEADs in this process. (I was working with flowing in divine will at this time, using desire as another word for it back then)

Minds getting rebooted. I see it as flower petals opening in my head. Ones that have never been open before. They are waking up but my whole brain feels sleepy as if it enveloped in a dreamy mesh of reconstruction. 

Energy from below comes up to power the enfoldment. I am growing like a flower. I will be patient. yes I know I am excited. hell I know i WANT to know what is going on. 

i am being guided in my process to let myself work in flow, and trust that I will have a packet to present to Sui Yee. Trust myself as I do things totally from the unknown. Just see what happens. This is what i am being advised to do. 

But how come it looks like I am doing nothing at all?

This process is new to you and is new to you to work with it in an academic way. Of course you are always doing something. But perhaps you have judgment still of what working on a packet looks like. It's time to let all of those judgments go and work in flow. See what happens. This is your grand experiment. We promise you will have things and you will be more satisfied. We are going to show you how to live this way all the time. How much more satisfying and easier it will be. We are working on trusting. 

Wow, I wonder what it would have been like if I sent those in as my packets lol. I have come a long way. I love my younger self in my confusion and wisdom. In my messy process. It helps me trust even the things I am working on now, I will move through. I feel so much love for myself back then, and the ways in which I communicated to myself, finding it beautiful, humorous, caring. Reminded of what you said Tessa, as projectors we need to self validate, recognize ourselves when others cannot. Seems I started this process back then as a means of sanity lol, but now I feel I coming to feel recognition that this time was a gift, these writings are a gift, and my morphing ways of communicating is a  gift! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

P.s  Doesn't it feel like we were just meant for each other xoxoxoxox love and kisses to all of your evolving parts, present, past and future, weaving the magical, wild, weird, difficult, tense haha into the mundane :)