I feel so weepy. So tired, so wretched, so heartbroken, but soft and strong below that.
I'm going to do an Isabella suggested practice.
I am going to incorporate space to notice my beliefs right now. I'm going to notice this part of me that feels so afraid and not good enough and talk to this part, write it down and let it go. Making deliberate space to allow the clamped places to open up and evolve.
What feels very hard to see right now within myself?
This part of me that just feels like - Is this okay? Is it okay to be this not okay? Is it okay to be this removed from ordinary ways of doing work and functioning? Is it okay to make THIS little progress, to get THIS little done? What if this means I am a completely dysfunctional person and if people really knew what I was like, they would be horrified? What if they knew? What if I am a complete failure?
Hi - I see you, fear. I see you, small scared terrified part. I hear that you are feeling super unstable and not okay. I see that you are quaking at the core. I am here to breathe with you, to hold space for you. I see that you feel completely unseen and invisible and written off. I feel you. You feel very familiar. You feel like a small scared part of me that had no measure of okayness to lean against while I was growing up. You feel like a part of me that was constantly given the message that I wasn't enough, that I needed to look outside of myself. I feel flickers of anger, protective rage. You were told that everyone knew better except for you, that everyone else had it together somehow. And you were terrified at being found out that you didn't.
Let's breathe, slowly, gently, together. Feel our belly move out on the inhale, in gently with the in breath. Feel our body resting on the chair. Yawn. Yes, that's good.
What if it was okay to be a mess? What if it was okay to not be put together? What if we didn't need to compare ourselves to anyone or anything?
But then how would we know if we were okay?
It's a good question. But how do we know that we're not okay? It's by comparing ourselves to something else that makes us feel not okay, too.
True. How do we even know how to feel at all?
Maybe.... curving gently back into our own knowing? What if we could trust our own instincts about how we can feel?
Like right now... with the cello music going, with the soft autumn night, writing about these things and feeling my stomach slowly unclench in the dim kitchen glow... maybe we feel okay.
Maybe we feel alright. And maybe it has nothing to do with anything we did today.
Feeling my fingers on the keys. Smooth, light. Piano notes moving, cello arcing in.
Metallic accents on the pinecone on the table.
I smell faint whiffs of pumpkin.
Cool water on my tongue.
I did do some soft things today, and they mostly felt good to do, even if they took a number of spoons. I really liked sending off Bill's stickers, actually.
I am having a funny time, but it's maybe okay. Slowness. It's not sexy, but it's whole.
Going to pour some tea.
Some reasonable affirmations...
I am good enough just as I am right now.
I am doing my best right now.
I do not need to earn rest or things that make me feel good. I deserve ease and joy all the time.
I can manifest my life's work; and I am Already whole.
I belong in this work. In this world.
The aspirations of my heart can be aligned with Divine Will, and because of that, they can come true.
No ache or creak or stiffness or brain fog or general bodily malaise means anything about my worthiness and belonging. I get to be here on this Earth, just as I am right now. And this too shall pass. Everything difficult will change and evolve.
How does the fear feel now?
It feels a bit soothed, not entirely gone, but relaxing a bit to recognize there might be other ways of looking at things, that it might not all be one way.
I recognize that I do not need to meet my own expectations perfectly to have room for all of me to exist.
This is great! Yes thanks for giving space for this to come up, be felt and allowed to be received! This helps to train how you experience it in a different way. Like instead of just being this fear and having it all pent up in your body and not knowing what to do, you are moving to be in the perspective that this fear is not all that you are, and that you have access to wisdom, you have access to your creative power and you can have these parts of you actually meet and merge. This is where the alchemy and the evolution happens.
ReplyDeleteAnd then your recognizing the fear! This starts to take fear's power away of dominating the personality. When this fear dominates the personality it can feel incapacitating and limiting. And these voices and messages are limiting. Like they limit your divine nature and expression. They limit you knowing your divinity.
This is what I feel like neuroplasticity is, when you are making contact with these parts of you in new ways. And then I see you starting to move in the beliefs that you are ok as you are. These new feelings and ideas are coming into your system now. And that might even feel strange, or threatening because the messages your adult self is giving you may be very different from what you heard growing up. So your are becoming the nurturer of these places which is actually really sweet and beautiful, because this is the element of self love. And I do not think one can really do inner alchemy without self love, it is like the soft lubrication that helps for everything that feels stuck to move and feel held, and build trust.
"Making deliberate space to allow the clamped places to open up and evolve."
And this is so important. Even maos do this to help their old traumas evolve.
Another step one can take after making contact with a traumatized part of ourselves is ask this part of us what it needs to evolve? I do this by aligning with my higherself/inner care taker and then moving in to meet the little part of me in fear. And it also helps the body stay in ventral mode. I believe this part of me (higherself/care taker) is connected to my creative power and the creative power within all things and it helps me register that I am divine even when i feel like crap. KH might say it connects you to your buddhic level of consciousness, or your spiritual soul. Anyway, I know that as I connect with this little part of me that it is also one with my spiritual soul, so this little part of me also contains this creative power. This little part of you also contains intelligence and it wants to evolve. Everything wants to evolve. So I invite you next time when you move to take space with these parts of yourself, to ask how does this part of you want to open up, evolve and resolve. And you may have something revealed to you in the imagination, or it may cause you to take an action. Whatever comes, you are putting out the knowing that you have the power to experience this part of you resolve. And that is where the immanent remedy comes in. In making space for something new to arise, and having a curious mind to feel it.
It takes practice to balance and dance with these parts, but the more one does it the more self trust is also built into your system. This is basically learning how to balance the nervous system. And this is also a way to work with the body deva, or body nature ambassador. Because the body nature intelligence is this part of you holding both the traumatic impressions received in childhood and also the immanent remedy for your inner transformation. Because your body is built to expand in consciousness. And this childhood experience is your context for expansion. It's sacred and it's yours, and it is your soul's soil to root into it. :D
Also when I say resolve I am not looking at this fear as a problem, more like acknowledging there is tension that is working something out. And when this tension gets stuck it can really start to feel like a problem! But over all I think the practice to holding space as you know is to be with it in non judgment, or hold some ground to neutrality. That helps tone the nervous system to be able to stay connected in that ventral space while allowing these parts of us to evolve and expand.
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