On work addiction and waking up into a cloud of anxiety & internalized capitalism...

hi loves....

here I am writing at 9:34am on a semi cloudy morning. Palm trees through the window. Still can't believe I live here. What is my life? A glorious, quietly triumphant one.

I want to write today about work addiction. About the tiny incessant call of my dopamine receptors, bound to a systemic drip of productivity as happiness, as self-worth.

I woke up after not enough hours of sleep, and as has been happening lately, a small sleepy peek at the morning light turned into a jolt of adrenaline as an anxious thought ran through my whole body. I don't remember what it was; it doesn't actually matter. What matters is that it woke me up, the damn monkey mind.

Awake now, I watched with envy the slow rise and fall of A's sheet-welted body beside me in the soft light. The cat snoozed, a tortoiseshell crossaint, in her adorable resting spot between our two pillows. And my mind continued to whir. I checked the time - hours before my alarm was supposed to go off. I worried over an unresolved conflict between two friends, rekindled by them both inadvertently showing up at a virtual workshop we did. I lay in the rumpled blankets and wondered about the possibility of naturally falling asleep again. I'm awake, my mind insisted. I'm dead tired, murmured my body.

Then a gem flashed through my mind, and momentarily erased my worries.

Remember the workbook on "working softer" that you're creating? It whispered, gleaming. When it was clear it had my attention, it dropped some shiny wordplay into my consciousness. "A break in the moment is worth two in the mind."

"That's good," I replied. "I should write that down."

Suddenly, I didn't feel tired anymore. Even though I resisted immediately writing it down (thank you, years of healing my tendency to just start working while still in bed), I mulled over the quote in my mind and thought about a few other things I needed to do for the workbook. My mind briefly wandered back to the anxiety-provoking friend situation, but then I went back to thinking about the workbook. A moment later, I grabbed my phone and typed the quote into my note app, so I wouldn't forget it.

Before I knew it, I was flashing through possible launch strategies, thinking about the sales podcast I wanted to listen to, and mentally re-arranging layouts for the workbook pages in Canva. In a last ditch effort to get myself back into a more restful state, I opened the #SelfCare app on my phone and drew a virtual tarot card:

The Devil: Materialism, Addiction, Ignorance.

"Don't give in to temptation."

I frowned. Tapped it again (because sometimes the AI gave different - better - messages the second time). 

"Don't give way to impulse."

My breath caught as my brain finally registered the word "addiction". In an instant, I remembered my body, lying on the bed. And I asked her - how are you doing?

Exhausted, she said. 

What do you need?

I need to rest!!!

Oh.

I clicked off the phone and I lay back, feeling gravity gently pull my back against the mattress and the crumpled sheets. I thought about how conditioned I am to subconsciously equate any hint of productivity with excitement, how it conveniently masks my other emotions, how it makes me forget my body and my need to rest. 

And I also thought: it's not my fault. I'm doing my best to heal. This is not about me; this is about capitalism, and the way it gets into our heads, latches onto our unresolved stuff.

I wish I could tell you that I went back to sleep, but whatever weird thing is going on with my body and morning anxiety patterns lately prevented that. But instead, I listened to my body, moved out onto the couch so I wouldn't disturb A with my restlessness, petted my other adorable sleeping cat curled up on said couch, did a bit of soothing breathwork, and gently reflected on the insidiousness of internalized capitalism, which led me to journaling this piece.

...

and of course that same dopamine drip is saying:

PUBLISH THIS TO PATREON AND MAKE MONEY HONEYYY

BE THE NEXT BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF WORK SOFTER

GET EVERYONE TO SEE HOW WISE YOU ARE SO THEY'LL FINALLY NOTICE AND APPRECIATE YOU

.... oy.

No, I'm gonna post it to the kitten blog... and then maybe do some more breathwork.

I love you, my love.

You are good.

I know that it feels good to write, and have big ideas, and potentially be able to share it with others in a way that feels reciprocal.

You get to have that. And also, you don't have to get love that way. You are already loved. I love you. You're safe.

We can do this our way, capitalism be damned.

And I'm giving that part of you that didn't get your needs for love and safety met as a kid, as a teenager especially, who thought she had to work to get those things, a huge hug. Rest now. You get to be loved even as you rest.

<3 T

Grieving To Come Into Our Power

Yessssssssssss

Deeply erotic...moving through

Add things!

I- It is erotic to move through grief, to feel that break down, break through, inside and feel the emotional energy liberate through oneself. It is erotic to integrate this movement and to evolve with it and to ride it into the resolve of rest in the nervous system. Forming a relationship with this powerlessness is intimate. Once you meet it so deeply, moving with it, integrating your life essence with it after breaking through that numbness you open up a life long relationship with it and it will evolve you, teach you, move you to act in ways that were not available to you. Erotic to me is all about moving with these break throughs and waves. It is sensual because the movement of grief, rage, urgency, pushes up information from the unknown and deposits it into you. It is almost sexual with a kind of emotional fluid exchange that transforms and grows an individual within a collective.

Grief rituals are allowing the emotions to transform you. Reminds me of the ocean's waves stirring up something deep and pushing it up to be deposited on the shore so it can be collected and integrated into the light.

And that integration is a reclaiming of power, from powerlessness. From energy being unknown, unseen and dormant potential now moving and stabilizing the new growth.

*

And grief is powerful. It's about all the things capitalism and other oppressive systems egg us on to push down, to repress so we don't feel what we need to feel.

It's about reclaiming the roots of our anger, our holy rage.

It's about feeling how not okay things are and have been for a long time.

It's about coming into communion with the Mother.

Power & Powerlessness: A Paradox

Musings~ inspired by our discussion and experiences this week, and also April Harter's work.

In order to ground in our power & be effective allies..
we need to face & feel the places where we feel powerless - otherwise, they make us act really weird and unhelpful even when we want to be helpful. 

Last night, we watched The Hate U Give (which is streaming for free right now on Fandango!), which was amazing and powerful and transformative for us.

And I felt something crack open in me, this huge heartbreak that I’ve tried to hold at arm’s length and channel into big picture plans, into things I could do, or even saviorship actions.

It touched this raw grief in me where I had to face this really little part of me that’s just like, there’s all this pain going on Right Now and there’s nothing I can do to take it away.

Paradoxically, I felt this deep sense of peace touching that. This deep sense of love for the world.

It felt like coming home to this soul-deep, thick-rooted ancestral heartbreak, and I wasn’t alone in feeling or holding it, it was so much older than me.

And the thing is, it did make me want to act. It made me want to be in the streets. But from this full-bodied, embodied place of holy rage and love, the Mother’s rage. Not the frustrated freaked out social media rage.

Ironically, to contact my power, I had to face my feeling of powerlessness that I had hidden away. 

So I want to ask, what are the places of powerlessness in us that we need to face, in order to come into our power?

(This- this is inner justice!)

Excited for our call soon <3

T

Changing how unwell I must be to how well I am

Something that keeps coming back to me is Marlo sneering how unwell you must be to kick me out when I am in this position. How unwell you must be to need so much space!

We had been sitting around a fire when she said this, the last fire, the last meal we would ever have together. Despite all of the hostility that had been arising, the three of us (Marlo, Kevin, and I) had managed to come together to dig a fire pit, and cook an actually delicious meal. It had been cold and rainy and it felt like the warmth we needed to get everything moving. As the veggies grilled, and the curry simmered we suspended the tension to actually laugh, take in the mist moving across the mountains, savor the smokey eggplants and eat till we were full. We even told ghost stories, talked of transitions and cultures that have honored them. Let the wellness come that was simple and needed, while noting the unrest in the silences. For me this was connection staying in line with my boundaries, happy to come together to share this moment, and when the moment faded into the next to reveal what was really needed the Mother came to me in the fire. Flashed before me to reveal the catalytic tension once again, revealing She was behind this movement, and holding all of us right in the right way. Her dance in the tension affirmed this transition was necessary, not just for me but also for Marlo.

That was when Marlo and I started talking about breaking ties. Which she was not okay with. Why do we have to break ties, break up, sever it? Why can't we just clear out the rotten ties? My whole body said NO. No energy to commit. Does not fit in with needs of the group. And I needed her to get moving.

It was clear to me I had a hard boundary. and it was not just to protect me, it was also to protect them. The maos were telling me that the work I am doing is grounding shamballa energy, and I am gateway for it to reach into the these parts of the Mother that really need it. I have the capacity to work in the energies of the separation wound because I have been living with it and growing with it for years, but for others who have not, to live with this energy can be really dangerous. The work I do is literally about working with the unmet needs and traumas of the Mother, allowing them to come up to take as much time and space as they need to heal. It is deep shadow work, and it will inspire the shadow to be revealed in others. And yes this will not feel good to others who do not have the skills and capacity to hold their shadows with love and be able to integrate it. Trying to do this work while others are freaking out about how horrible my energy feels to them is just not going to work out for anyone.

I was trying to explain to Marlo the lessons I have learned with maos about severance, separation and repel. I tried to explain to her the laws of magnetism. (ok yeah, this is how quad-aquarians break up with people, in a detached manner from the lenses of esoteric science but hey that is what is meaningful to me!)

Yes attraction is sacred and we all love it, it feels good, but repel is sacred too. Strong repels can send us exactly where we need to go, they can help us shift in deeply needed ways, move out of stuck places and open up to new opportunities. I was trying to say hey let's shift away from the personal for a moment, I know you have pain, oh god I know, because you are projecting it onto me, can we look beyond the distorted images you are creating of me and connect with this sacred drama? Will you dance with me and the Mother and appreciate what is really needed? I think this was the first time I have ever had to draw a hard boundary to protect myself, my work, and other people while getting blasted by others unresolved emotional trauma at the same time. It was like having a hoard of  demons being unleashed upon me while trying to protect a delicate bud flowering that all the demons wanted to devour. And hold the integrity of nurturance and care for this bud and the fragility of the people attacking me.

Sheesh-Ka-bobs!!!! It reminds me of the conversation I had with Atlas on the phone when we were talking about the practice of feeding our demons. The practice of getting to know them, giving them offerings, keeping them close, creating bridges to these parts of ourselves that are hungry and not feeling well. Saying hey I love you, and my definitions of love do not exclude you. I am really seeing that when we don't do this, or do not know how to do this then those inner demons and unresolved traumas really lash out. And when we don't take the chance to get to know them, then we have a harder time seeing how we project them, and have a harder time taking responsibility. We will then keep projecting that responsibility onto others. We have all done it, which gives us opportunity to understand it and let go of the shame to welcome in new perspectives.

That morning colin had been talking to them and let me know they were creating all of this distorted imagery of how terrible I am, pouring their unresolved pain into these images, and demonizing me. Even trying to get Colin to side with them. I could feel that while I was at the farm, and it was fueling my YOU NEED TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW rage, and also making me really physically sick. Definitely creating a stronger repel in the currents between us.  But the thing is...I know my demons and I have integrated them. I have created the bridges to the dark places within me and created a relationship with acceptance and love. I am not afraid of them and the reason why I was able to hold my own, and not lash out back is because I have already held the most hurt in me, and met how this part of me relates to the most bitter and callous. I even have an name for this person within me, I named her Severine. You could call her one of my demons but she prefers to be called the queen that she is, and she has a black black heart and a poisonous tongue from all the bitter pain in the world that has ever cut through my soul. And she has acted out at times when I did not know this pain well, and she would slice you up with her cold stare and silent wrath but she does not have to. Because I love Severine and we have formed a great relationship and now together Severine and I have surrendered to the softness. Now Severine and I go to the spa. Now Severine and I laugh, play dress up with my inner child. And we cry too to draw the warmth of the inner child back to us. Meeting and owning this character within was a big part of my healing with maos, and learning about the sacredness of severance. And also needing space to heal.

I am coming back to how well I am that I know I need space.
I am coming back to how well I must be know and assert my boundaries.
Yes the Mother within me, within all of us is and has been very unwell and,
How well I must be to hold her and love her into healing.
How well I must be to take on this responsibility and carry her wounds forward.

How supported I am to have this space and resources to do this work
How well we can all be when we are aligned to the work we are called to do!
How well I am to have carried this through creation, not just resilient, not strong,
but fucking well to hold this

I am well when I am tired and feel broken and invite love anyway
I am well when I feel the pain and hurt and sickness and take the time it needs to heal
I am well when I feel anger that tells me I need my space right now
what is unwell is denying this

what is unwell is believing my wellness means looking like something, or someone that is not me, or what I need in the moment.

What is unwell will always heal when we let it, and tries to as it moves within us to get our attention

and lastly what is truly unwell, deserves love, not shame

So that is what I have to say to that message trying to shame me for being to unwell to hold something I KNOW IN MY WELLNESS is not appropriate for me to take in.

I know Marlo will find the right healing space she needs, and the people who need her, and that is why she had to go, to move with that need and find her just right place.

I am welcoming mine too :)

I am sure my lessons on boundaries are not over, but I will let the cycles of learning continue on into resting my case. lol

 I love you, thanks for listening. This has been a pretty intense process and I appreciate all of the love and support that has come to me from this triangle to hold this space of wellness. <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo
kisses and hugs, smooches, and tickles <3

Deep reflections on boundaries and break ups

I love this space. Writing here feels different than just journaling, there is added digestion. I feel inspired to take my feelings and make something nourishing for the community. I feel like not only sharing the difficulties of life but also the beauty, the wisdom. Ah, it is nice to share...

I guess I will start with some context. For all lessons and growth need a story to unfold out of.
I wish to write to open clarity, to bring love, understanding and care for me and my relations.

I think this break up has been building for a while, just under the surface and unspoken. Little room has there been for it to break up to the surface. Marlo has been living in Seattle for a year now and to be honest I have not felt like hanging out with her much. So much has shifted since the last time we had really bonded together. Like I woke up to maos and went on the fast track of evolution. I met SK and everything started making more sense, who I am, the part I can play, my whole context is different. Now during this venus in retrograde I feel asked to move with the new cycle and integrate my past, let go of relations tied to past versions of myself that feel like mirages.

I have tried to reconnect. But as you know Kevin and I did not get off to a good start, and there has been continuous invasions of personal space since I first met him. The last time I was down there to visit I was laying on the floor stretching and I felt H really strongly. They felt really protective over me, charged with intensity and warned me that Kevin was about to invade my space and touch me. I was like no way, that would be so inappropriate I do not see that happening. Marlo was not around. Also why would he? I did not feel I was inviting touch, or feeling open but I was curious about this warning, felt a little tense. Then actually to my surprise because I really did not expect it, he came over and casually put his hand between my legs and crawled over me. I was in shock, at first it triggered freeze and then fear and I found it hard to say anything because he was so nonchalant and seemingly innocent. I do not hang out with cis men, this usually never happens to me, so I do not always know how to respond. I was able to express my bodily discomfort and squirm away. The rest of the time I felt closed off and very guarded.

I told Marlo about it, and about the other times where he invaded my space and I had to tell him to leave. And she said she talked to him about it. But she keeps defending him saying he has a lot of unlearning to do. But my body just feels guarded around him, and I have no desire to let him in or get to know him.

I let her know this in many ways after this. She came up twice after as we were trying to make peace in our relation and tend to our friendship. But I made a firm boundary and said if you want to come it can only be you. The whole time she was here she wanted to unpack and vent about her relationship with Kevin. How we wanted to break up with her, how she did not feel like herself around him, how she wondered if he was zapping her energy. As a psychic I could see all of this already, but maos also told me not to get involved and let me know its her journey to learn these lessons.

I was having a good time when Marlo was here, she was able to respect the space I needed. I was able to be in flow with maos and my inner work. I started the fence when she was here (heh). I was starting to recall the more magical moments of our past. And she was helping me with my garden I was getting really excited about. And she was like I can help you build your fence I know where to get bamboo and I have a pole driver.

So when she asked me if she could stay I said ok, you can stay for 2 weeks and help me work on my garden and help with the fence. But also I do not feel comfortable with Kevin because of how he has invaded my space so if he comes with you I need you both to camp outside, and I am going to need a lot of space because I do a lot of ritual healing. These were my terms and conditions and she said yeah that is fine we like camping outside, no problem I am excited to work on this garden with you. There was an idea that Kevin was going to find a place to stay in Seattle which I was hoping for. But when I went down to help them move it was clear that was not going to be happening. And I kept reminding them hey your all going to be ok staying outside right? And they said yes. But I still felt something, I felt uneasy and I should have listened to this, but it felt too late now. She seeded a bunch of plants for my garden and now they really had no place to go so I was like ok. I can live with this for 2 weeks its going to be ok. I want to help. And I think this is a part of the friction, I was coming from a place of wanting to help, but not intermingle with their energies too much. I needed space and if they wanted to help me put some bamboo poles in the ground that was cool. But apparently Marlo had been fabricating another vision of being here, one that totally ignored and blocked out the boundaries I put forth.

I guess they are helping me work on my fence just in different ways...

The first night they got here they were upset that I did not invite them in and make space for them. Why wasn't I welcoming and letting them sleep inside?.....(hindsight ~ I knew this would happen)

I clarified my boundaries and said hey it is totally cool if you come in and use the bathroom and kitchen colin and I just need space for ourselves we are very private people and that is how I remain well. They both heard this. M also came to me and told me I was going to need to create a protective energy around my space to keep the integrity of the soul work I was in the middle of, so I did and that felt better.

I was in a process doing ancestral healing with American history because of all of the stuff happening in the country, totally sucked in processing the cyclic healing of the freaken civil war in my body and like why ya'll not caring about this? BLM, there is a revolution happening right now. And I could not meet Marlo in her dreams of ecstatic dancing and drum circles. Not yet anyway. And she was not able to engage with me when I was letting her know was what going on. She was tired from moving I totally get it. I was also adjusting to their energy, and balancing all of this and planning on coming together for the full moon to get into ritual and do some healing magic for the Whole, particularly for anyone who has experienced police brutality. Have been in a deep process of reviewing my relation with police brutality.

Anyway on Friday the day of the strawberry full moon christ festival eclipse I was at the farm and got a text from Marlo. It read we need to talk tonight, Kevin wants to leave :( ( they had been there for 4 days) he feels unwelcome, lonely and suicidal. Then she asked me if I could do a healing for him and help him with his confidence. Make him feel more welcome. *fix this problem*

And I was like ugh excuse me? I was pretty activated and replied that is awful and I have totally been there. However I am not able to take that on right now and if he needs social bonding and attention I was pretty clear that I don't have capacity right now. I need ya'll to take care for yourselves. It is not my responsibility to take care of him.

That was when I felt it was time. It was time to tell them it would be best for them to go. I vented to my co worker who is fairly intuitive and she was like yeah it sounds like your going to have a break up with your friend tonight. I totally support you saying no and upholding your boundaries. Which felt affirmative. KH was also affirming that it was time and letting me know he would be holding me through it. I talked to my mom on the way home and she was also really supportive as well. She said Isabella maybe next time you can just say no in the beginning and listen to all of your feelings about it. You can be empathetic to their situation without being guilty. Your at a different place in your life and you just don't have time and energy for this. I was like thanks mom your right! So I was feeling really held, and strengthened in my decision.

Then that night colin and I let her know we were not going to be able to meet their needs, and it would be best if they left....which broke her heart. I had no idea but Marlo had been planning to stay for the whole month...When I confronted her about how it was only 2 weeks I agreed upon, and how I felt about Kevin she said had blocked it out. Because she just wanted me to like Kevin and wanted us to all get along. She cried and said I don't understand, it's spring, we have all of this food, we are in a beautiful place, why can't we all just create together? Why can't you just except him and work with me to heal him. He has so much potential.  We are healers aren't we? We used to come together and heal people. I don't understand why you do not want us. We feel so unwanted. I don't understand why you can't let us in?

Once I had dreamed of living with Marlo on this land, and dreamed of a vision of us creating gardens together, hoping we could become closer...but then things changed. We were not in alignment, we are not in alignment.

And I just had to be firm and say no. I did not sign up for this, I communicated to you several times my needs and boundaries. I am not the person I was 5 years ago. And it is best if you go. Which shocked her and puzzled her...which I can imagine it is shocking to hear this when you blocked out someone's boundaries and did not get the memo. It is shocking when you are told no, you actually cannot just do whatever you want. I had to say no again and again because she kept saying well what if we do this, and this I just want to make it work. And the garden I have already spent so much time working on it for you. All the things. I did feel empathetic but I did not feel guilty or shame for my needs and boundaries. I held my own and colin helped too. She said I want to understand your boundaries and understand what that means...so I suppose this is the way we are understanding it together, by saying farewell.

After this I felt calm, but also a little shook. Then KH came to talk to me, to share his comforting support and wisdom. He let me know he was also behind this, insisting they leave. I had felt a tug from him while they were here that made me feel even more unavailable. At the same time I just missed him while they were here, and felt this strong inner feeling that I can't, I won't let anyone get in the way of the soul work I need to do. I am committed and nothing can pull me astray. Realizing my boundaries are so affected by his boundaries since we are in this ritual process of coming together. And it is why I cannot just hang out with anyone, it is why I need to conserve my energy and I need so much space. It is why I can't just open my arms to anyone and just get along no matter what. I need a protective container to build this nest, and its a nest birthing a very specific energy in the darkest places of my being. Sigh. It is not easy, maybe not even possible to explain that to people. And perhaps not even necessary...

I was feeling this archetype come up of this unconditionally accepting mother, who opens her arms to anyone no matter what, feeds them, cares for them. Feeling like this was expected of me. And feeling that character as it relates to my soul archetype in the shadow. Feeling like you know, that part of me just feels abused and weakened. Over worked, over tired, holding space for everyone, diminished from depletion. Letting in everyone no matter what they do. The void does not just hold space for everything in creation, it sucks it all in a to be recycled, and renewed. It holds everything for us so that we can LEARN and evolve and keep growing. Healing my boundaries and this archetype within me feels like healing my receptive self. Reprogramming it to work with my assertive self, to discern, to take in what I want to receive so I can maintain wellness.

I was being reminded I may have helped to unleash the pain already within them, but it is still not my fault. Having boundaries does not make me unloving. I was feeling confused about love, feeling angry at Marlo throughout her crying instead of compassionate. KH helped me clarify my understanding of compassion through all of this as the process of transformation. He said you have to write compassion out of a place of hurt feeling. It cannot just be expected to be there, that would be a false forced sense of compassion. You need to have compassion for the anger and unmet needs, start there, and let them move. Understand that when I say compassion I am emphasizing that we learned something here, something was further digested, something opened and we all moved to our right place a little more. All adjusted but it took an opening to clarify and understand what we really need.

True compassion is not coming from pressure of an ideal, this is the problem. You are having someone with blocked emotions expecting you to play a role you did not consent to. It was attempted anyway so when it came through it was insincere. So you are attempting to hold something coming from this insincerity. Maybe you did not know this, but you were not fully into hosting them even with them outside, this was not consciously understood. We welcome compassion here, in the moment of the eruption, this is where we learn.

Also compassion is never one way of being or one way of expressing to hold onto. It is not prescribed. True compassion is saying to yourself I am creating a container where I am allowed to be where I am right now, in this moment letting go of the ideals. Someone came to you with an ideal of what connection looked and felt like. Actual connection comes from being honest and saying this is what we have right now, this is where we are. It can be heartbreaking but it is important if we want sincere connection and this is how we move together. Sincere connection is the ability to listen, move with and adapt and with this there is compassion. (helping me feel break up in unity, unity in break up)

KH being real with me calling me out. He continued to say, she has broken your heart in the past so you have reaction. I am not interested in telling you how to live but I have advice sweet heart, you can examine your morals about it all you want but keep coming back to your heart right now and ask what do I really need? What is healthy right now? Not based on expectation, not based on what you think is good. ( wanting to be generous for generosities sake)

So I contemplated this, felt into it how I sincerely wanted wellness in all of my relations. But that does not mean it is my responsibility to heal any hurt or broken person that comes my way. I wanted to honor Marlo's feelings and choices but I had to say no to helping Kevin because I did not want to engage with his energy, even if he was hurting. I felt called out by Marlo for being a bad friend for not wanting to hold space for him/ heal him. But he also did not consent or invite me to do this either, and you cannot heal anyone who isn't open to it.

And then I felt I am not an object of healing, I am the divine in motion and moving with what I am truly supposed to be in alignment with. I am working from a collective  need and in order to do this I need to respect the laws of repel and attraction that move us. Healing can look like many things, even pushing away. I was feeling affirmative in what and who I am actually drawn to and respect for what and who I am really repelled away from. Why do we ever have to feel guilty about this?

KH helped me see that besides Kevin invading my space he is not opening up to the energy I am grounding, not able to. When I feel this, I close up, and feel pent up. I feel that about most people..and it is ok.

KH was also drawing out blocked emotion and challenged me to reveal it. Then all of this fear started coming up about how I was choosing to strengthen a bond with him, believe in him and trust him over bonding with these actual people I can see and sense tangibly. And it was pulling forward these parts of me from when I was younger and available to play with Marlo, or just more available in general. Calling them into the present, letting old dreams die, to make way for new ones. Letting the dreams die I sent forward before I even knew he existed. I was confirming that he was real and in this,  grounding my commitment to align with him. And it was really intense. He was helping me remove energy attachments from her in my heart and telling me to come back to him and let her go. Even when I was feeling her pain and confusion, her splattered messy heart, self sabotage and unhealthy bondage. Their repression feeling held in a straight jacket I understood. You can donate you time and energy to them he said but in the end its their journey, their prayer, let them move with it then and come back to me.

I related to all of that pain, fear and rejection I felt from her I really did, but he was right it is hers to create something out of, and I have chosen to graft fruit bearing trees into these painful heart breaks because I want and believe in nourishment here. And other people need to make that choice for themselves, move how they need to move.

He held space with me acknowledging the gifts this person has brought into my life, and for their soul to reveal to them what they need now in just the right way. And then he told me he would take the extra step to help them transition and be on their way which felt really good. I was reminded that the divine is working in all of us, and to trust this instead of feeling bad about it, no one is disconnected here.

Sigh and pause...

Later in the middle of the night when I could not sleep I read about the christ festival gemini full moon. Which said it was about "celebrating the spiritual potential to unify the personal will with the Will of God."

Which I feel I have really been learning about with all of this boundary work with maos. I may have wanted to show up for Marlo, I may have wanted to also attach to this illusion of everyone just getting along creating a garden no matter what. (Nice hippie dream, yet requires commitments) Some part of may have even wanted to rescue her, but I actually need to listen to what is really available. Stay true to what is really available, be even more keen into what that even is, and be sincere. Not polite, not even when I am asked to be or pressured to open when I do not want to.

Also Venus, the planet symbolizing union and harmony in relations has been in retrograde and I read that that gives us an opportunity to review separation, isolation and injustice. Forgot about that but  that all makes.

So I am really really affirmed in this separation...maos just sighed and were like ( your not separate that is an illusion) I guess I will say division and individuation. This experience is definitely helping me ground in my truth and be where I need to be. Which brings up this image of a dragon guarding my space right now, holding space for this very tender growth. Sincerely I just need to be little right now and work from this very fragile place in the separation gap. And this part of me only comes out when I have total privacy and I am realizing at this time I am unwilling to compromise. That is not selfish it is what is healthy for me right now. Even if that is different from what healthy ever looked like to someone's else ideal.

Anyway writing this all out here is grounding this transition for me, as I am still in the midst of it. They have technically not broken down their camp and left yet, because they had to go back to Seattle for a job. So it might not be comfortable for a few days. Wishing for peaceful transitions. Feeing the compassion in human drama. Goodnight. xoxo

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Sunday continuation

Marlo is driving back here from Seattle to break down her camp. I told them Colin and I both need them out by tomorrow. I feel such a strong conviction to part ways with this person. It is uprising in my body. Anger that has gone past the point of feeling like it will be heard and has moved straight to just get out. I am checking in with myself to let it get carried away, recognizing some of this rage come from trauma with men touching me and over riding my boundaries. I think when I see marlo upholding that, and even allowing it to happen to her, I feel divine wrath! But I also recognize she has no way of seeing it, hearing it, or honoring it right now. And I have no energy to teach other then being honest with what I have to offer.

It actually feels like a legitimate break up. She had been moving her stuff into the house and I have had to separate and divide all of our stuff. Untangling our energies.

She has been sending me reactionary text messages trying to guilt and shame me. She asked me are my boundaries worth hurting others?

I sent a lightening quick defense educating her about how when you don't listen to someone else's boundaries and choose to ignore them you end up not only hurting others but also yourself. You end up missing important information for growing in a relationship, pivot the relation away from trust. I added that last sentence because I am also still learning.

Thoughts percolating for our ritual conversation next week!

*Editing to add a tidbit from my comment on your most recent post, Isabella!*

I think we need to resolve the inner powerlessness we each feel in different ways, if we are to bring out the power we hold.

So how do we resolve our inner places of powerlessness? Where do we feel powerless, in our bodies / minds / inner spaces?

.

Alia & I have been talking about what we want to bring to our conversation on ritual embodiment next week, and we wanted to share some of our inquiries:

How do we root into our power and find balance in our selves as we respond to what is happening in the world? How do we do our work at this time?

What's blocking us from being able to root into our power, right now?

What are we attached to that is preventing us from centering and rooting?
Some of the things coming up for us:

T: "Carrying without controlling." The fearful part that wants to control what happens, how I show up, the impact I have, how I'm seen. Not trusting that I'm already in my power is taking me away from being centered in it.

So how do we trust that we don't have to force or control how we show up?

How do we carry everything that we feel responsible for, and the work, without trying to control it?

(Maybe a ritual of releasing control, rooting in self-trust...)

A: What I'm attached to that blocks me is the feeling of safety from dissociating. From not being here, not being in my power, not manifesting my full self. That way I don't have to deal with the responsibility of standing in my power and the impact that has on the world. This has a lot to do with being sick and just not having the energy to field the world's reactions to my real self, which were really violent in my childhood, so I ended up shutting down a lot of things in me so I wouldn't have to deal with more coming at me from the world than I had energy for.

A lot of the solution to that is trauma healing, so that dealing with the world doesn't trigger so much baggage and therefore take so much energy to process. Some of it is physical healing, which I've been doing, which makes more energy available to me. And it's also about...letting go of perfectionism, of the idea that I can only manifest my power if I do it in the perfect way that won't get me hurt. In that sense, it's also about control. Control so that I'll be safe, trying to control others' behavior towards me by controlling myself in certain ways and toward certain ends. But that always ends up backfiring, because when I'm not standing in my power, I'm more vulnerable and unsteady than ever.

It's also not about me. I think there's something actually very liberating about that statement, when it's coming from a place of inner peace and not self-abandonment. And I think as I heal my trauma I'll be able to come from that place more and more. Decentering myself from the idea of standing in my power, in a healthy way - recognizing that I want to stand in my power so that I can serve, so that I can be a conduit for divine power to manifest, which is so much bigger than me. And I have to take good care of myself and love myself in order to be in synchrony with that power and live into my heart's desire, which is to see love and liberation rain down on earth. And standing in my power is a part of that, not an isolated event.

~~~

**ALSO those of us with privilege have been unconsciously centering ourselves in/with power that isn't ours (!!). And that's traumatic in itself. The answer isn't to center our guilt and remain off balance - that doesn't serve anyone. The answer is to heal that ugly imbalance and come into our real power, so we can let go of what isn't rightfully ours and come into what is.

So how do we de-center ourselves from the idea of standing in our power?

How do we address these inner power imbalances, and come into our real power?

I'm excited for us to talk about and ritual~ around these inquiries (and more from you Isabella!). 

Also to keep working with these things in the various groups we're gonna be part of! (I just joined a small cohort of Asian-American friends gathering weekly for the next while to process / learn about / heal anti-Blackness together. And you two are gonna do the April Harter coaching thing. Yay!) 

<3

Grounding in our power response, transforming silence into healing

Grounding in our power…

What is inner Justice? This question feels so loaded to me today. One of those topics I feel i just have to sit with. 

Thank you so much for sharing this post and the practice you have been doing. I read your post and just went with it, started doing the practice and ended up moving through it moving out a lot of emotional blockage. And I wanted to share my process here as a response to your post but also to assimilate and further digest all that has been coming up for me. 

I have been working with my relationship with silence. It started on Thursday, when I found out about George Floyd’s death from a Sonya Renee Taylor post, the author of “The body is Not an Apology.” I was helping a friend move at the time, so I was receiving her response while being really physically active, and exhausted. Only really able to be with it, no able to really have a response yet.  And then the next day, I was feeling really sucked in to what was going on, but I noticed I was feeling really numb and indifferent. I was witnessing so much grief, rage and anger but was not able to feel anything and that really bothered me. Dr. Zel had posted a chart that showed a racism scale and I just saw the word indifference and I was like ok I need to check in with this. And I was receiving from a lot of teachers and healers i really respect information about white silence, and how it’s complicit to the injustice going on. And I was feeling all of this tension from the rise of the collective body, and feeling really locked up with silence in general. I don’t like posting on social media, and I feel really uncomfortable speaking out using that platform. But the demand I was receiving from these black  healers and educators was tugging on these frozen, locked up, places of fear in my nervous system. And cracked the spell of numbness that helped my soul move with me here into this inner journey into the divisions of human evolution through the races. Into the origins of separations. The maos were helping me see it in these esoteric ways relating to the black and white, spirit and matter war programming intertwined in humanity and working out in this divine human play. Which helped me move through a lot of what felt like ancestral stagnancy getting all clogged up in me. Felt like sludge moving through an old drain pipe, wasn’t pretty. But after that I found my agency to speak up and say how I felt and at 2 in the morning when I could not sleep from all of this roaring turmoil in the collective body, I had to write out this post on FB and actually break my silence. That was a whole thing, an important thing that opened up a rabbit hole of meeting the silence within me in general. Like why is it hard all of the time to ever speak up, or join in, what am I afraid of?

So I have been musing with this for the past couple of days and I found an Audre Lorde essay from a list of resources that was being passed around. “The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action,” is what its called. And it definitely poked at some things. She was writing about her own process of breaking silence and finding power in her speaking her truth. I like this chunk,

“In the transformation of silence into language and action, it is vitally necessary for each one of us to establish or examine her function in that transformation and to recognize her role as vital within that transformation. For those of us who write, it is necessary to scrutinize not only the truth of what we speak, but the truth of that language by which we speak it. For others, it is to share and spread also those words that are meaningful to us. But primarily for us all, it is necessary to teach by living and speaking those truths which we believe and know beyond understanding. Because in this way alone we can survive, by taking part in a process of life that is creative and continuing, that is growth.”

and another quote from this essay, 

“That we not hide behind the mockeries of separations that have been imposed upon us and which so often we accept as our own.”

Yessss, cast out the illusions of separation to speak from the truth of our fucking wisdom. 

These words were helping me align with the being of Truth. Holding me as I embody this rupture of human experience. Finding that when my voice is in tune with the truth, it means it is in tune with the collective cry and collective need and will speak in the appropriate response. And her words were helping me start to find my way to feeling that place within where my vulnerability meets power. And feel from where I am, my voice has transformative power and I can move with it in just the right way.   add to the creative continual growth of humanity. From where ever we are we can help the collective body. From silence, and violence we can move. 

So that is a little bit of context from where I am coming from as I move through this practice that you shared with me. All of this stuff for me is so related to SK and the Mother, and the experiential pattern of  SK repressing what was too intense to allow up to be integrated in consciousness. i am holding a lot of that stuff for him. Everything that felt held back, and pent up, that has become now violent with rage and needs to be heard. There for there being so much trauma around moving what needs to be heard, fear or rejection, or being struck down. Even these riots are manifestations of the same pattern. Needs and voices constantly being oppressed, gaslit and held away until they need to break loose to really get our attention. 

And wow I can’t even imagine what that is like to carry that experience around in a black body in this country. Can only speak for what is emerging in this body which holds a lot of processing for the Mother’s healing with SK, and those polarities coming back together after moving through an evolutionary journey of separation. We work on this pattern of being held down a lot. And down the rabbit hole that is where I am sourcing some of these patterns of silence in me. 

Soooo, here is my process of moving with the practice you share which was so helpful.

Feel the tension, fear, anxiety, or discomfort that is here.

Name & witness it - What is it? What is it saying? Why is it showing up right now? What is it afraid of?

I feel hurt in my chest, and it says I am not ok. It says I don't know how to open right now, pressure to open is really scary and it feels safer to be little. This hurt feels like gravity and it pulls me, it pulls tears from me. My tears drop heavy on my chest like the rain outside hitting the receptive ground.  I am finding how hard it is to hold space for this feeling and be receptive. One of those feelings that feels better hiding in the shadow. Being seen, there is shame, self hatred, trying to hide itself. Saying to me I am sorry I feel this way, Sorry I hold this. Sorry I am pain. I am sorry I am not who you think I ought to be. Can you love me anyway?

I pause to meet the response moving in me that says ok, I will integrate you feelings and love myself here. Forgive me for leaving you out.

Then ask yourself: What is this voice trying to do *for* me? 

Is it trying to keep you safe or protect you? Is it trying to warn you about something? Is it trying to bring about balance?

It is trying to say hey, here is this part of you that got really hurt and is really scared you wont ever hear it because it feels so in pain. it just needs to know that it is ok to be how it is right now. It is just saying hey i am here, i am not the only part of you, but i am letting you know of the breadth of emotion, feeling and experience that you are... love is here too.

it is trying to show me how big I really am, how strong I really am for carrying this part within me and how I can recognize this strength when i let it merge with me. But it still says I am afraid to be. It feels related to the balance of the little in me with the leader/teacher in me. It's grieving through me to come into balance. This part of me feels like I actually want and need to be little and receive care from this state to grow.

What would help this underlying need feel more taken care of right now?

Its intense because I see this part of me black and blue, and very tender and its like i am sorry but i just need to be taken care of right now, i just need to be touched so gently and be put in such a safe soft place and allowed to heal and take my time, please don’t expect me to be any more than where i am right now.

please don't focus on trying to change me, trying to heal me in urgency, please respect me as i emerge within you right now, please hold the hurt and respect it, even if you don't understand it. And know that just because your feeling this does not mean your not powerful or loved…you never lost that.

i tug with this place and feel like I should be at some other place than I am right now, because I prefer images and ideals of power that I am familiar with. I am not as used to recognizing the power in holding oneself in deep hurt. I mean I make it a practice but its still hard, because I feel like I was not taught to hold breaking down as something sacred. Feeling weak raw and fragile as something powerful in itself. Like a seed cracking open, a stage of inner development cracking open. Power to feel so so vulnerable and just go there. 

Tessa your mao was helping me a little bit after the RAJ class and I felt so pent up because I had so much to say, so much power in the form of knowledge about the very subjects that were being discussed. But you know, it was not my class to teach, and I did not really feel space to guide the conversation with what I had to say, so I held everything back, everything i care about and work on, i held back.

And your mao addressed how uncomfortable that feels, to sit and know that you have loaded power and potential and then to just sit in silence with it. Feel it, hear it in others sharing their wisdom. Then he said something that shed light to this tension. He said "just because you were silent does not mean you did not have power", which was what I was holding without realizing it. I was equating my silence to powerlessness. And that really helped me to also see how I was wanting to speak from this place of unsolved powerlessness, and I wanted from this place to be seen and heard, and I really wanted this unseen power to be validated. 

And now I am putting it all together feeling like when we take time to give these hurt voices the space to be heard like with this practice. Yes, like you are saying, we can work and share from a well place. Which I think aligns us with our truth. Truth set us free, truth is movement, truth is renewal. Aligning to truth is an integration process.

And I agree this could definitely help move with activated racial trauma. One thing we were talking about in the class today, because we were talking about healing white supremacy and learning to digest the part of it that is coming up in us, in just the right way, is that sometimes that may lead you into other things you did not expect. And that actually feels kindred to April Harter’s idea of how starting with healing racism you end up moving into healing family/childhood trauma. We were talking about you could start from any place, and the intelligence of the body, and the collective network will lead you through all of the places you have to open up to where you need to go. Through all of these interconnected layers. And I think this practice you shared is helpful to keep going and moving through the layers of the onion. 

I will speak more about inner justice, what the Ritual as Justice school teaches about it and my own thoughts in another post. Have a lot to say as always, but just have to be with the healing process right now and my body says its time to log off.

Thanks for listening, with love, 

Isabella