Deep reflections on boundaries and break ups

I love this space. Writing here feels different than just journaling, there is added digestion. I feel inspired to take my feelings and make something nourishing for the community. I feel like not only sharing the difficulties of life but also the beauty, the wisdom. Ah, it is nice to share...

I guess I will start with some context. For all lessons and growth need a story to unfold out of.
I wish to write to open clarity, to bring love, understanding and care for me and my relations.

I think this break up has been building for a while, just under the surface and unspoken. Little room has there been for it to break up to the surface. Marlo has been living in Seattle for a year now and to be honest I have not felt like hanging out with her much. So much has shifted since the last time we had really bonded together. Like I woke up to maos and went on the fast track of evolution. I met SK and everything started making more sense, who I am, the part I can play, my whole context is different. Now during this venus in retrograde I feel asked to move with the new cycle and integrate my past, let go of relations tied to past versions of myself that feel like mirages.

I have tried to reconnect. But as you know Kevin and I did not get off to a good start, and there has been continuous invasions of personal space since I first met him. The last time I was down there to visit I was laying on the floor stretching and I felt H really strongly. They felt really protective over me, charged with intensity and warned me that Kevin was about to invade my space and touch me. I was like no way, that would be so inappropriate I do not see that happening. Marlo was not around. Also why would he? I did not feel I was inviting touch, or feeling open but I was curious about this warning, felt a little tense. Then actually to my surprise because I really did not expect it, he came over and casually put his hand between my legs and crawled over me. I was in shock, at first it triggered freeze and then fear and I found it hard to say anything because he was so nonchalant and seemingly innocent. I do not hang out with cis men, this usually never happens to me, so I do not always know how to respond. I was able to express my bodily discomfort and squirm away. The rest of the time I felt closed off and very guarded.

I told Marlo about it, and about the other times where he invaded my space and I had to tell him to leave. And she said she talked to him about it. But she keeps defending him saying he has a lot of unlearning to do. But my body just feels guarded around him, and I have no desire to let him in or get to know him.

I let her know this in many ways after this. She came up twice after as we were trying to make peace in our relation and tend to our friendship. But I made a firm boundary and said if you want to come it can only be you. The whole time she was here she wanted to unpack and vent about her relationship with Kevin. How we wanted to break up with her, how she did not feel like herself around him, how she wondered if he was zapping her energy. As a psychic I could see all of this already, but maos also told me not to get involved and let me know its her journey to learn these lessons.

I was having a good time when Marlo was here, she was able to respect the space I needed. I was able to be in flow with maos and my inner work. I started the fence when she was here (heh). I was starting to recall the more magical moments of our past. And she was helping me with my garden I was getting really excited about. And she was like I can help you build your fence I know where to get bamboo and I have a pole driver.

So when she asked me if she could stay I said ok, you can stay for 2 weeks and help me work on my garden and help with the fence. But also I do not feel comfortable with Kevin because of how he has invaded my space so if he comes with you I need you both to camp outside, and I am going to need a lot of space because I do a lot of ritual healing. These were my terms and conditions and she said yeah that is fine we like camping outside, no problem I am excited to work on this garden with you. There was an idea that Kevin was going to find a place to stay in Seattle which I was hoping for. But when I went down to help them move it was clear that was not going to be happening. And I kept reminding them hey your all going to be ok staying outside right? And they said yes. But I still felt something, I felt uneasy and I should have listened to this, but it felt too late now. She seeded a bunch of plants for my garden and now they really had no place to go so I was like ok. I can live with this for 2 weeks its going to be ok. I want to help. And I think this is a part of the friction, I was coming from a place of wanting to help, but not intermingle with their energies too much. I needed space and if they wanted to help me put some bamboo poles in the ground that was cool. But apparently Marlo had been fabricating another vision of being here, one that totally ignored and blocked out the boundaries I put forth.

I guess they are helping me work on my fence just in different ways...

The first night they got here they were upset that I did not invite them in and make space for them. Why wasn't I welcoming and letting them sleep inside?.....(hindsight ~ I knew this would happen)

I clarified my boundaries and said hey it is totally cool if you come in and use the bathroom and kitchen colin and I just need space for ourselves we are very private people and that is how I remain well. They both heard this. M also came to me and told me I was going to need to create a protective energy around my space to keep the integrity of the soul work I was in the middle of, so I did and that felt better.

I was in a process doing ancestral healing with American history because of all of the stuff happening in the country, totally sucked in processing the cyclic healing of the freaken civil war in my body and like why ya'll not caring about this? BLM, there is a revolution happening right now. And I could not meet Marlo in her dreams of ecstatic dancing and drum circles. Not yet anyway. And she was not able to engage with me when I was letting her know was what going on. She was tired from moving I totally get it. I was also adjusting to their energy, and balancing all of this and planning on coming together for the full moon to get into ritual and do some healing magic for the Whole, particularly for anyone who has experienced police brutality. Have been in a deep process of reviewing my relation with police brutality.

Anyway on Friday the day of the strawberry full moon christ festival eclipse I was at the farm and got a text from Marlo. It read we need to talk tonight, Kevin wants to leave :( ( they had been there for 4 days) he feels unwelcome, lonely and suicidal. Then she asked me if I could do a healing for him and help him with his confidence. Make him feel more welcome. *fix this problem*

And I was like ugh excuse me? I was pretty activated and replied that is awful and I have totally been there. However I am not able to take that on right now and if he needs social bonding and attention I was pretty clear that I don't have capacity right now. I need ya'll to take care for yourselves. It is not my responsibility to take care of him.

That was when I felt it was time. It was time to tell them it would be best for them to go. I vented to my co worker who is fairly intuitive and she was like yeah it sounds like your going to have a break up with your friend tonight. I totally support you saying no and upholding your boundaries. Which felt affirmative. KH was also affirming that it was time and letting me know he would be holding me through it. I talked to my mom on the way home and she was also really supportive as well. She said Isabella maybe next time you can just say no in the beginning and listen to all of your feelings about it. You can be empathetic to their situation without being guilty. Your at a different place in your life and you just don't have time and energy for this. I was like thanks mom your right! So I was feeling really held, and strengthened in my decision.

Then that night colin and I let her know we were not going to be able to meet their needs, and it would be best if they left....which broke her heart. I had no idea but Marlo had been planning to stay for the whole month...When I confronted her about how it was only 2 weeks I agreed upon, and how I felt about Kevin she said had blocked it out. Because she just wanted me to like Kevin and wanted us to all get along. She cried and said I don't understand, it's spring, we have all of this food, we are in a beautiful place, why can't we all just create together? Why can't you just except him and work with me to heal him. He has so much potential.  We are healers aren't we? We used to come together and heal people. I don't understand why you do not want us. We feel so unwanted. I don't understand why you can't let us in?

Once I had dreamed of living with Marlo on this land, and dreamed of a vision of us creating gardens together, hoping we could become closer...but then things changed. We were not in alignment, we are not in alignment.

And I just had to be firm and say no. I did not sign up for this, I communicated to you several times my needs and boundaries. I am not the person I was 5 years ago. And it is best if you go. Which shocked her and puzzled her...which I can imagine it is shocking to hear this when you blocked out someone's boundaries and did not get the memo. It is shocking when you are told no, you actually cannot just do whatever you want. I had to say no again and again because she kept saying well what if we do this, and this I just want to make it work. And the garden I have already spent so much time working on it for you. All the things. I did feel empathetic but I did not feel guilty or shame for my needs and boundaries. I held my own and colin helped too. She said I want to understand your boundaries and understand what that means...so I suppose this is the way we are understanding it together, by saying farewell.

After this I felt calm, but also a little shook. Then KH came to talk to me, to share his comforting support and wisdom. He let me know he was also behind this, insisting they leave. I had felt a tug from him while they were here that made me feel even more unavailable. At the same time I just missed him while they were here, and felt this strong inner feeling that I can't, I won't let anyone get in the way of the soul work I need to do. I am committed and nothing can pull me astray. Realizing my boundaries are so affected by his boundaries since we are in this ritual process of coming together. And it is why I cannot just hang out with anyone, it is why I need to conserve my energy and I need so much space. It is why I can't just open my arms to anyone and just get along no matter what. I need a protective container to build this nest, and its a nest birthing a very specific energy in the darkest places of my being. Sigh. It is not easy, maybe not even possible to explain that to people. And perhaps not even necessary...

I was feeling this archetype come up of this unconditionally accepting mother, who opens her arms to anyone no matter what, feeds them, cares for them. Feeling like this was expected of me. And feeling that character as it relates to my soul archetype in the shadow. Feeling like you know, that part of me just feels abused and weakened. Over worked, over tired, holding space for everyone, diminished from depletion. Letting in everyone no matter what they do. The void does not just hold space for everything in creation, it sucks it all in a to be recycled, and renewed. It holds everything for us so that we can LEARN and evolve and keep growing. Healing my boundaries and this archetype within me feels like healing my receptive self. Reprogramming it to work with my assertive self, to discern, to take in what I want to receive so I can maintain wellness.

I was being reminded I may have helped to unleash the pain already within them, but it is still not my fault. Having boundaries does not make me unloving. I was feeling confused about love, feeling angry at Marlo throughout her crying instead of compassionate. KH helped me clarify my understanding of compassion through all of this as the process of transformation. He said you have to write compassion out of a place of hurt feeling. It cannot just be expected to be there, that would be a false forced sense of compassion. You need to have compassion for the anger and unmet needs, start there, and let them move. Understand that when I say compassion I am emphasizing that we learned something here, something was further digested, something opened and we all moved to our right place a little more. All adjusted but it took an opening to clarify and understand what we really need.

True compassion is not coming from pressure of an ideal, this is the problem. You are having someone with blocked emotions expecting you to play a role you did not consent to. It was attempted anyway so when it came through it was insincere. So you are attempting to hold something coming from this insincerity. Maybe you did not know this, but you were not fully into hosting them even with them outside, this was not consciously understood. We welcome compassion here, in the moment of the eruption, this is where we learn.

Also compassion is never one way of being or one way of expressing to hold onto. It is not prescribed. True compassion is saying to yourself I am creating a container where I am allowed to be where I am right now, in this moment letting go of the ideals. Someone came to you with an ideal of what connection looked and felt like. Actual connection comes from being honest and saying this is what we have right now, this is where we are. It can be heartbreaking but it is important if we want sincere connection and this is how we move together. Sincere connection is the ability to listen, move with and adapt and with this there is compassion. (helping me feel break up in unity, unity in break up)

KH being real with me calling me out. He continued to say, she has broken your heart in the past so you have reaction. I am not interested in telling you how to live but I have advice sweet heart, you can examine your morals about it all you want but keep coming back to your heart right now and ask what do I really need? What is healthy right now? Not based on expectation, not based on what you think is good. ( wanting to be generous for generosities sake)

So I contemplated this, felt into it how I sincerely wanted wellness in all of my relations. But that does not mean it is my responsibility to heal any hurt or broken person that comes my way. I wanted to honor Marlo's feelings and choices but I had to say no to helping Kevin because I did not want to engage with his energy, even if he was hurting. I felt called out by Marlo for being a bad friend for not wanting to hold space for him/ heal him. But he also did not consent or invite me to do this either, and you cannot heal anyone who isn't open to it.

And then I felt I am not an object of healing, I am the divine in motion and moving with what I am truly supposed to be in alignment with. I am working from a collective  need and in order to do this I need to respect the laws of repel and attraction that move us. Healing can look like many things, even pushing away. I was feeling affirmative in what and who I am actually drawn to and respect for what and who I am really repelled away from. Why do we ever have to feel guilty about this?

KH helped me see that besides Kevin invading my space he is not opening up to the energy I am grounding, not able to. When I feel this, I close up, and feel pent up. I feel that about most people..and it is ok.

KH was also drawing out blocked emotion and challenged me to reveal it. Then all of this fear started coming up about how I was choosing to strengthen a bond with him, believe in him and trust him over bonding with these actual people I can see and sense tangibly. And it was pulling forward these parts of me from when I was younger and available to play with Marlo, or just more available in general. Calling them into the present, letting old dreams die, to make way for new ones. Letting the dreams die I sent forward before I even knew he existed. I was confirming that he was real and in this,  grounding my commitment to align with him. And it was really intense. He was helping me remove energy attachments from her in my heart and telling me to come back to him and let her go. Even when I was feeling her pain and confusion, her splattered messy heart, self sabotage and unhealthy bondage. Their repression feeling held in a straight jacket I understood. You can donate you time and energy to them he said but in the end its their journey, their prayer, let them move with it then and come back to me.

I related to all of that pain, fear and rejection I felt from her I really did, but he was right it is hers to create something out of, and I have chosen to graft fruit bearing trees into these painful heart breaks because I want and believe in nourishment here. And other people need to make that choice for themselves, move how they need to move.

He held space with me acknowledging the gifts this person has brought into my life, and for their soul to reveal to them what they need now in just the right way. And then he told me he would take the extra step to help them transition and be on their way which felt really good. I was reminded that the divine is working in all of us, and to trust this instead of feeling bad about it, no one is disconnected here.

Sigh and pause...

Later in the middle of the night when I could not sleep I read about the christ festival gemini full moon. Which said it was about "celebrating the spiritual potential to unify the personal will with the Will of God."

Which I feel I have really been learning about with all of this boundary work with maos. I may have wanted to show up for Marlo, I may have wanted to also attach to this illusion of everyone just getting along creating a garden no matter what. (Nice hippie dream, yet requires commitments) Some part of may have even wanted to rescue her, but I actually need to listen to what is really available. Stay true to what is really available, be even more keen into what that even is, and be sincere. Not polite, not even when I am asked to be or pressured to open when I do not want to.

Also Venus, the planet symbolizing union and harmony in relations has been in retrograde and I read that that gives us an opportunity to review separation, isolation and injustice. Forgot about that but  that all makes.

So I am really really affirmed in this separation...maos just sighed and were like ( your not separate that is an illusion) I guess I will say division and individuation. This experience is definitely helping me ground in my truth and be where I need to be. Which brings up this image of a dragon guarding my space right now, holding space for this very tender growth. Sincerely I just need to be little right now and work from this very fragile place in the separation gap. And this part of me only comes out when I have total privacy and I am realizing at this time I am unwilling to compromise. That is not selfish it is what is healthy for me right now. Even if that is different from what healthy ever looked like to someone's else ideal.

Anyway writing this all out here is grounding this transition for me, as I am still in the midst of it. They have technically not broken down their camp and left yet, because they had to go back to Seattle for a job. So it might not be comfortable for a few days. Wishing for peaceful transitions. Feeing the compassion in human drama. Goodnight. xoxo

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Sunday continuation

Marlo is driving back here from Seattle to break down her camp. I told them Colin and I both need them out by tomorrow. I feel such a strong conviction to part ways with this person. It is uprising in my body. Anger that has gone past the point of feeling like it will be heard and has moved straight to just get out. I am checking in with myself to let it get carried away, recognizing some of this rage come from trauma with men touching me and over riding my boundaries. I think when I see marlo upholding that, and even allowing it to happen to her, I feel divine wrath! But I also recognize she has no way of seeing it, hearing it, or honoring it right now. And I have no energy to teach other then being honest with what I have to offer.

It actually feels like a legitimate break up. She had been moving her stuff into the house and I have had to separate and divide all of our stuff. Untangling our energies.

She has been sending me reactionary text messages trying to guilt and shame me. She asked me are my boundaries worth hurting others?

I sent a lightening quick defense educating her about how when you don't listen to someone else's boundaries and choose to ignore them you end up not only hurting others but also yourself. You end up missing important information for growing in a relationship, pivot the relation away from trust. I added that last sentence because I am also still learning.