Something that keeps coming back to me is Marlo sneering how unwell you must be to kick me out when I am in this position. How unwell you must be to need so much space!
We had been sitting around a fire when she said this, the last fire, the last meal we would ever have together. Despite all of the hostility that had been arising, the three of us (Marlo, Kevin, and I) had managed to come together to dig a fire pit, and cook an actually delicious meal. It had been cold and rainy and it felt like the warmth we needed to get everything moving. As the veggies grilled, and the curry simmered we suspended the tension to actually laugh, take in the mist moving across the mountains, savor the smokey eggplants and eat till we were full. We even told ghost stories, talked of transitions and cultures that have honored them. Let the wellness come that was simple and needed, while noting the unrest in the silences. For me this was connection staying in line with my boundaries, happy to come together to share this moment, and when the moment faded into the next to reveal what was really needed the Mother came to me in the fire. Flashed before me to reveal the catalytic tension once again, revealing She was behind this movement, and holding all of us right in the right way. Her dance in the tension affirmed this transition was necessary, not just for me but also for Marlo.
That was when Marlo and I started talking about breaking ties. Which she was not okay with. Why do we have to break ties, break up, sever it? Why can't we just clear out the rotten ties? My whole body said NO. No energy to commit. Does not fit in with needs of the group. And I needed her to get moving.
It was clear to me I had a hard boundary. and it was not just to protect me, it was also to protect them. The maos were telling me that the work I am doing is grounding shamballa energy, and I am gateway for it to reach into the these parts of the Mother that really need it. I have the capacity to work in the energies of the separation wound because I have been living with it and growing with it for years, but for others who have not, to live with this energy can be really dangerous. The work I do is literally about working with the unmet needs and traumas of the Mother, allowing them to come up to take as much time and space as they need to heal. It is deep shadow work, and it will inspire the shadow to be revealed in others. And yes this will not feel good to others who do not have the skills and capacity to hold their shadows with love and be able to integrate it. Trying to do this work while others are freaking out about how horrible my energy feels to them is just not going to work out for anyone.
I was trying to explain to Marlo the lessons I have learned with maos about severance, separation and repel. I tried to explain to her the laws of magnetism. (ok yeah, this is how quad-aquarians break up with people, in a detached manner from the lenses of esoteric science but hey that is what is meaningful to me!)
Yes attraction is sacred and we all love it, it feels good, but repel is sacred too. Strong repels can send us exactly where we need to go, they can help us shift in deeply needed ways, move out of stuck places and open up to new opportunities. I was trying to say hey let's shift away from the personal for a moment, I know you have pain, oh god I know, because you are projecting it onto me, can we look beyond the distorted images you are creating of me and connect with this sacred drama? Will you dance with me and the Mother and appreciate what is really needed? I think this was the first time I have ever had to draw a hard boundary to protect myself, my work, and other people while getting blasted by others unresolved emotional trauma at the same time. It was like having a hoard of demons being unleashed upon me while trying to protect a delicate bud flowering that all the demons wanted to devour. And hold the integrity of nurturance and care for this bud and the fragility of the people attacking me.
Sheesh-Ka-bobs!!!! It reminds me of the conversation I had with Atlas on the phone when we were talking about the practice of feeding our demons. The practice of getting to know them, giving them offerings, keeping them close, creating bridges to these parts of ourselves that are hungry and not feeling well. Saying hey I love you, and my definitions of love do not exclude you. I am really seeing that when we don't do this, or do not know how to do this then those inner demons and unresolved traumas really lash out. And when we don't take the chance to get to know them, then we have a harder time seeing how we project them, and have a harder time taking responsibility. We will then keep projecting that responsibility onto others. We have all done it, which gives us opportunity to understand it and let go of the shame to welcome in new perspectives.
That morning colin had been talking to them and let me know they were creating all of this distorted imagery of how terrible I am, pouring their unresolved pain into these images, and demonizing me. Even trying to get Colin to side with them. I could feel that while I was at the farm, and it was fueling my YOU NEED TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW rage, and also making me really physically sick. Definitely creating a stronger repel in the currents between us. But the thing is...I know my demons and I have integrated them. I have created the bridges to the dark places within me and created a relationship with acceptance and love. I am not afraid of them and the reason why I was able to hold my own, and not lash out back is because I have already held the most hurt in me, and met how this part of me relates to the most bitter and callous. I even have an name for this person within me, I named her Severine. You could call her one of my demons but she prefers to be called the queen that she is, and she has a black black heart and a poisonous tongue from all the bitter pain in the world that has ever cut through my soul. And she has acted out at times when I did not know this pain well, and she would slice you up with her cold stare and silent wrath but she does not have to. Because I love Severine and we have formed a great relationship and now together Severine and I have surrendered to the softness. Now Severine and I go to the spa. Now Severine and I laugh, play dress up with my inner child. And we cry too to draw the warmth of the inner child back to us. Meeting and owning this character within was a big part of my healing with maos, and learning about the sacredness of severance. And also needing space to heal.
I am coming back to how well I am that I know I need space.
I am coming back to how well I must be know and assert my boundaries.
Yes the Mother within me, within all of us is and has been very unwell and,
How well I must be to hold her and love her into healing.
How well I must be to take on this responsibility and carry her wounds forward.
How supported I am to have this space and resources to do this work
How well we can all be when we are aligned to the work we are called to do!
How well I am to have carried this through creation, not just resilient, not strong,
but fucking well to hold this
I am well when I am tired and feel broken and invite love anyway
I am well when I feel the pain and hurt and sickness and take the time it needs to heal
I am well when I feel anger that tells me I need my space right now
what is unwell is denying this
what is unwell is believing my wellness means looking like something, or someone that is not me, or what I need in the moment.
What is unwell will always heal when we let it, and tries to as it moves within us to get our attention
and lastly what is truly unwell, deserves love, not shame
So that is what I have to say to that message trying to shame me for being to unwell to hold something I KNOW IN MY WELLNESS is not appropriate for me to take in.
I know Marlo will find the right healing space she needs, and the people who need her, and that is why she had to go, to move with that need and find her just right place.
I am welcoming mine too :)
I am sure my lessons on boundaries are not over, but I will let the cycles of learning continue on into resting my case. lol
I love you, thanks for listening. This has been a pretty intense process and I appreciate all of the love and support that has come to me from this triangle to hold this space of wellness. <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo
kisses and hugs, smooches, and tickles <3
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