Documenting my process of working with fear

I feel so weepy. So tired, so wretched, so heartbroken, but soft and strong below that.

I'm going to do an Isabella suggested practice.

I am going to incorporate space to notice my beliefs right now. I'm going to notice this part of me that feels so afraid and not good enough and talk to this part, write it down and let it go. Making deliberate space to allow the clamped places to open up and evolve.

What feels very hard to see right now within myself?

This part of me that just feels like - Is this okay? Is it okay to be this not okay? Is it okay to be this removed from ordinary ways of doing work and functioning? Is it okay to make THIS little progress, to get THIS little done? What if this means I am a completely dysfunctional person and if people really knew what I was like, they would be horrified? What if they knew? What if I am a complete failure?

Hi - I see you, fear. I see you, small scared terrified part. I hear that you are feeling super unstable and not okay. I see that you are quaking at the core. I am here to breathe with you, to hold space for you. I see that you feel completely unseen and invisible and written off. I feel you. You feel very familiar. You feel like a small scared part of me that had no measure of okayness to lean against while I was growing up. You feel like a part of me that was constantly given the message that I wasn't enough, that I needed to look outside of myself. I feel flickers of anger, protective rage. You were told that everyone knew better except for you, that everyone else had it together somehow. And you were terrified at being found out that you didn't.

Let's breathe, slowly, gently, together. Feel our belly move out on the inhale, in gently with the in breath. Feel our body resting on the chair. Yawn. Yes, that's good. 

What if it was okay to be a mess? What if it was okay to not be put together? What if we didn't need to compare ourselves to anyone or anything?

But then how would we know if we were okay?

It's a good question. But how do we know that we're not okay? It's by comparing ourselves to something else that makes us feel not okay, too.

True. How do we even know how to feel at all?

Maybe.... curving gently back into our own knowing? What if we could trust our own instincts about how we can feel?

Like right now... with the cello music going, with the soft autumn night, writing about these things and feeling my stomach slowly unclench in the dim kitchen glow... maybe we feel okay.

Maybe we feel alright. And maybe it has nothing to do with anything we did today.

Feeling my fingers on the keys. Smooth, light. Piano notes moving, cello arcing in. 

Metallic accents on the pinecone on the table.

I smell faint whiffs of pumpkin.

Cool water on my tongue.

I did do some soft things today, and they mostly felt good to do, even if they took a number of spoons. I really liked sending off Bill's stickers, actually.

I am having a funny time, but it's maybe okay. Slowness. It's not sexy, but it's whole.

Going to pour some tea. 

Some reasonable affirmations...

I am good enough just as I am right now.

I am doing my best right now.

I do not need to earn rest or things that make me feel good. I deserve ease and joy all the time.

I can manifest my life's work; and I am Already whole.

I belong in this work. In this world.

The aspirations of my heart can be aligned with Divine Will, and because of that, they can come true.

No ache or creak or stiffness or brain fog or general bodily malaise means anything about my worthiness and belonging. I get to be here on this Earth, just as I am right now. And this too shall pass. Everything difficult will change and evolve.

How does the fear feel now?

It feels a bit soothed, not entirely gone, but relaxing a bit to recognize there might be other ways of looking at things, that it might not all be one way. 

I recognize that I do not need to meet my own expectations perfectly to have room for all of me to exist.

~T

Moon chain

     Been wanting to write about this for a while, but the topic seemed to crash upon me like a wave and take me in the undertow. Possibly because I love and respect the mystery of it so much, more likely my perfectionism was getting in the way. It is a topic I want to honor, as I honor the separation wounds from which we evolve. It is a topic that is vast and deep, which permeates everything. It is the foundation of our emergence, and truly the patterns of the moon chain show up in all cultures great myths in some way or another. It is a topic I can make no conclusions about and say this is it, a polished nice package. No...it is a mythos in the making, we recreate it again and again and keep watching it evolve through our deepest wounds and relations. Everyone has a part of the story to continue and grow from. But here is what I know sourced from inner experiences, Alice Bailey books, and HPB. 

    Before the Earth there was the Moon. Our Moon is said to be but a shell of what is really was, a vibrant sphere of life, where beings had the opportunity to venture, relate, grow and learn with one another. The Moon chain was the evolutionary track that this planet was intended to progress through, as part of a cyclic development within our solar system. But this planet played out a pattern that I feel comes from another place in the galaxy that greatly disrupted our solar system.  What is said to have happened on this Moon planet was that the misuse of power over a certain center ( which I feel is the sacral/sex center of the planet) created such an out of balance that the Solar logos had to arrest this part of itself. Much like a trauma that collapses some part of us, the moon chain collapsed and no longer could support life on this sphere and so was destroyed to be re-opened in a new way, to be healed at another level of maturation. Unfortunately this planet was dissolved before the feminine aspect was able to fully grow to reunite with the masculine aspect of the planet and left us with a deep scar, like a residual separation wound from the moon chain Mother.

    I must add that this "separation" between these polarities is common throughout the entire galaxy which we exist in but is not exactly experienced as it was on the moon chain. There is a larger being from which we exist within, and this being sent a part of itself out to open deeper levels of dimensions so that it could expand and grow. So within these polarities one expanded upwards (evolutionary) and one expanded downwards (involutionary). They expand a part, and then through their magnetic connection, contract to reunite and then grow through a stabilization process that allows them to hold the balance.  This reuniting and stabilization process did not get to happen on the moon chain because it was disrupted. And this occurrence on the moon chain is also a manifestation what also happened to the involutionary aspect of this great being we exist in. Because within this larger Being, the Mother principle expanded so far out of reach that in a sense it had forgotten it was there. Which plays out on the moon chain, the beings not feeling in tune or connected with the kundalini aspect of the planet manipulated and misused this power center. Sound familiar? We have inherited this pattern. But we can also do something with it, that was not able to happen on the moon chain, we can reunite these polarities, feel this union, process and learn from our mistakes. And truly we can do this because of humanity, because of our bodies that can feel, reflect, process and grow. We have evolved to resolve this, so that we can all expand. 

    So what happened after the moon chain dissolved was that the beings who had been evolving on this planet moved over to this one, and the Earth chain slowly started to come into form. It was as if this Earth was made from the material of the moon chain, but created with a new intention and that was to reunite these polarities and heal from this collapse trauma. What this left us with though was this deep pain in the Mother of this planet, like an old deep stain of a feeling that She had been totally lost from her beloved, and would not be able to reunite. And this created a wider gap between the polarities, since she dissolved with this experience of not reuniting, which left her closing up in a sense of anger, grief, in failure, in fearful hopelessness. In the gap though is also the material for redemption which is a key note of our planet. But this is also why our planet is called the sphere of suffering.  Because it the body of the planet, within all of us, is this deep wound of disconnection. 

    This great misery and agony built in our foundation is also why this planet is one in which we are developing love and wisdom. This redemption is the Heart (humanity) growing from the experience of loss, it becomes conscious through our suffering and in our need for healing. The trauma of the moon chain has been recreated by us on the Earth chain to have context for us to also evolve and heal it. 

     For example, in my soul story I came to this planet with SK. We came knowing the story of the moon chain and we came united as one with the intention to help heal it and hold the resolve. I am the part of him that he seeded into this Earth to act as his receptive center, like a concentration of his energy anchored into this planet. In this process we reenacted the initial separation of the moon chain. Meaning he moved off of this planet as the evolutionary force expanding, and I stayed here rooting deep within it as the involutionary aspect merging with the Mother/Matter of this planet. And in merging with these patterns we experienced this long separation and I accepted this isolation without him...most of my evolution has been without him until now. It felt as if this separation from the moon chain was deposited in me and through that process I am now able allow it to redeem. Really it is deposited into all of us, like a fractal pattern working itself out. I actually would not have been able to come back to him without help. I think both of your souls have helped this process because you two have moved into these patterns with your maos, dancing into these patterns with a feeling of union which creates a new experience to be available. We are working on a multidimensional evolutionary ladder to create a new story, and that is how we heal and transition out of that trauma. And the whole collective is doing this in many ways. As we move through our initiations we are able to integrate more of our own soul's journey, and every time someone moves into an initiation we all grow a little bit more, moving us out of the patterns of the moon chain, until they became fainter, until they become totally transformed into something new. This is the world growing!

Ok there is so much more, but I just got so sleepy. So I will continue at another time. <3 Feel free to add to the story! Perhaps next I would like to talk about the evolutionary arc and the rise to redemption. Also I wrote this really matter of fact but its just a creation story passed onto us, like all stories do with it what you will, make it yours. 

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Now I am thinking about how the residual suffering of the moon chain shows up today in our systems of oppression. Right now in this time period I see it showing up in white supremacy, specifically how this need to dominate and conquer comes back to a deep disconnection between the mind, heart and belly. A deep disconnection in white culture from our feelings, and bodies. This same kind of numbness happened on the moon chain. Those beings were not able to feel and respond to the harm being done to the whole system. The same things happen now too in our over industrialization, how we interact with the Earth and Nature spirits. How we deplete the Earth and fight over natural resources. This deep survival wound of feeling like we never have enough resources also springs from the moon chain planetary failure. We are still healing this severance wound from the Mother and from life, it shows up in our ancestral attachment wounds. There is a much bigger picture and these patterns are something that our solar system is helping to solve for the galaxy. Hope, love, beauty out of friction, we create this here, we become aware of it, and this is something as we evolve we get to share and offer other parts of the universe! We are figuring out some good shit on Earth. 

And yes these same patterns come back again, but we are also growing from them like we have never been able to before. I know this because the conditions on the Earth at this time are allowing for the Mother to heal these old wounds that have been locked up and frozen this entire time. Evolution happens slowly here it seems but over all in the whole scheme of the solar system it is just on time. Which helps me as I look back at my journal entries from a year ago and see how I am working on the exact same things, only slight variances...

Anyway, go Earth chain team! xoxo

A cool bath for my collapsing heart

 "Poetry is not only dream and vision; it is the skeleton architecture of our lives. It lays the foundations for a future of change, a bridge across our fears of what has never been before.

"Possibility is neither forever not instant. It is not easy to sustain belief in its efficacy. We can sometimes work long and hard to establish one beachhead of real resistance to the deaths we are expected to live..." 

- Audre Lorde, "Poetry is not a luxury."

It's eerie how much my collapsed drained self today wrote things that echo the very bits and pieces of Audre Lorde I also started to read this afternoon. 

What I wrote, before reading her:

I need to free myself from the fear puzzle of

how will I survive?

how will this vision survive?

am I failing at being in this world?

These hard binaries make no room for the hope and possibility-creating that are actually needed for a way out of our present difficulties.

The closing down of possibilities in the mind by fear - this is what we must shake loose. What a task, in this world where there is so much that activates fear regularly.

So much that stumbles us over the past

threatens us with the future

but hope comes from learning from those who have fought these fights before.

And indeed, I am learning from Audre that it is poetry that will save us. Which is something my deepest self has always known. But it's been easy to forget that in the bustle of life-maintaining, of business strategizing, of apartment hunting.

I think the unexpected gift of collapse right now, of not being able to do shit, of lying on the bed with an ice pack baby moaning in a cloud of September heat and fatigue, is that it's returning me to a visceral sense of poetry. That as I think all three of us having learned many times in our lives, when all else seems elusive and out of reach, poetry is always there, somehow, waiting to restore us to ourselves.

"These places of possibility within ourselves are dark because they are ancient and hidden; they have survived and grown strong through that darkness. Within these deep places, each one of us holds an incredible reserve of creativity and power, of unexamined and unrecorded emotion and feeling. The [Feminine's] place of power within each of us is neither white nor surface; it is dark, it is ancient, and it is deep." [I'm using Feminine instead of "woman" here.] 

She also says this, astonishingly, which is reaching me at a deep level right now because I am unusually exhausted and unable to hold my usual fountain of ideas, which are what I'm used to relying on for hope.

"When we view living in the european mode only as a problem to be solved, we rely solely upon our ideas to make us free, for these were what the white fathers told us were precious. 

"But as we come more into touch with our own ancient, non-european consciousness of living... [we] respect those hidden sources of our power from where true knowledge and, therefore, lasting action comes." 

The other part of what I wrote today, again prior to reading her (!), is this:

I want to write my way out of urgency. Out of the mind-numbing dread. Away from the jaded derelict treasures of late capitalism parading themselves around as its own guilty pleasure. I should like to move towards an open field, towards a cool bath for my heart. 

I am starting to understand why Audre Lorde is a refuge for so many. I think I need to get off my Facebook feed more often and read her when I am heartsore and in need of hope. Because clearly, I'm not the first to struggle with these things, and our generation is not the first to be in search of answers in the dark times. <3 

- T  

On work addiction and waking up into a cloud of anxiety & internalized capitalism...

hi loves....

here I am writing at 9:34am on a semi cloudy morning. Palm trees through the window. Still can't believe I live here. What is my life? A glorious, quietly triumphant one.

I want to write today about work addiction. About the tiny incessant call of my dopamine receptors, bound to a systemic drip of productivity as happiness, as self-worth.

I woke up after not enough hours of sleep, and as has been happening lately, a small sleepy peek at the morning light turned into a jolt of adrenaline as an anxious thought ran through my whole body. I don't remember what it was; it doesn't actually matter. What matters is that it woke me up, the damn monkey mind.

Awake now, I watched with envy the slow rise and fall of A's sheet-welted body beside me in the soft light. The cat snoozed, a tortoiseshell crossaint, in her adorable resting spot between our two pillows. And my mind continued to whir. I checked the time - hours before my alarm was supposed to go off. I worried over an unresolved conflict between two friends, rekindled by them both inadvertently showing up at a virtual workshop we did. I lay in the rumpled blankets and wondered about the possibility of naturally falling asleep again. I'm awake, my mind insisted. I'm dead tired, murmured my body.

Then a gem flashed through my mind, and momentarily erased my worries.

Remember the workbook on "working softer" that you're creating? It whispered, gleaming. When it was clear it had my attention, it dropped some shiny wordplay into my consciousness. "A break in the moment is worth two in the mind."

"That's good," I replied. "I should write that down."

Suddenly, I didn't feel tired anymore. Even though I resisted immediately writing it down (thank you, years of healing my tendency to just start working while still in bed), I mulled over the quote in my mind and thought about a few other things I needed to do for the workbook. My mind briefly wandered back to the anxiety-provoking friend situation, but then I went back to thinking about the workbook. A moment later, I grabbed my phone and typed the quote into my note app, so I wouldn't forget it.

Before I knew it, I was flashing through possible launch strategies, thinking about the sales podcast I wanted to listen to, and mentally re-arranging layouts for the workbook pages in Canva. In a last ditch effort to get myself back into a more restful state, I opened the #SelfCare app on my phone and drew a virtual tarot card:

The Devil: Materialism, Addiction, Ignorance.

"Don't give in to temptation."

I frowned. Tapped it again (because sometimes the AI gave different - better - messages the second time). 

"Don't give way to impulse."

My breath caught as my brain finally registered the word "addiction". In an instant, I remembered my body, lying on the bed. And I asked her - how are you doing?

Exhausted, she said. 

What do you need?

I need to rest!!!

Oh.

I clicked off the phone and I lay back, feeling gravity gently pull my back against the mattress and the crumpled sheets. I thought about how conditioned I am to subconsciously equate any hint of productivity with excitement, how it conveniently masks my other emotions, how it makes me forget my body and my need to rest. 

And I also thought: it's not my fault. I'm doing my best to heal. This is not about me; this is about capitalism, and the way it gets into our heads, latches onto our unresolved stuff.

I wish I could tell you that I went back to sleep, but whatever weird thing is going on with my body and morning anxiety patterns lately prevented that. But instead, I listened to my body, moved out onto the couch so I wouldn't disturb A with my restlessness, petted my other adorable sleeping cat curled up on said couch, did a bit of soothing breathwork, and gently reflected on the insidiousness of internalized capitalism, which led me to journaling this piece.

...

and of course that same dopamine drip is saying:

PUBLISH THIS TO PATREON AND MAKE MONEY HONEYYY

BE THE NEXT BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF WORK SOFTER

GET EVERYONE TO SEE HOW WISE YOU ARE SO THEY'LL FINALLY NOTICE AND APPRECIATE YOU

.... oy.

No, I'm gonna post it to the kitten blog... and then maybe do some more breathwork.

I love you, my love.

You are good.

I know that it feels good to write, and have big ideas, and potentially be able to share it with others in a way that feels reciprocal.

You get to have that. And also, you don't have to get love that way. You are already loved. I love you. You're safe.

We can do this our way, capitalism be damned.

And I'm giving that part of you that didn't get your needs for love and safety met as a kid, as a teenager especially, who thought she had to work to get those things, a huge hug. Rest now. You get to be loved even as you rest.

<3 T

Grieving To Come Into Our Power

Yessssssssssss

Deeply erotic...moving through

Add things!

I- It is erotic to move through grief, to feel that break down, break through, inside and feel the emotional energy liberate through oneself. It is erotic to integrate this movement and to evolve with it and to ride it into the resolve of rest in the nervous system. Forming a relationship with this powerlessness is intimate. Once you meet it so deeply, moving with it, integrating your life essence with it after breaking through that numbness you open up a life long relationship with it and it will evolve you, teach you, move you to act in ways that were not available to you. Erotic to me is all about moving with these break throughs and waves. It is sensual because the movement of grief, rage, urgency, pushes up information from the unknown and deposits it into you. It is almost sexual with a kind of emotional fluid exchange that transforms and grows an individual within a collective.

Grief rituals are allowing the emotions to transform you. Reminds me of the ocean's waves stirring up something deep and pushing it up to be deposited on the shore so it can be collected and integrated into the light.

And that integration is a reclaiming of power, from powerlessness. From energy being unknown, unseen and dormant potential now moving and stabilizing the new growth.

*

And grief is powerful. It's about all the things capitalism and other oppressive systems egg us on to push down, to repress so we don't feel what we need to feel.

It's about reclaiming the roots of our anger, our holy rage.

It's about feeling how not okay things are and have been for a long time.

It's about coming into communion with the Mother.

Power & Powerlessness: A Paradox

Musings~ inspired by our discussion and experiences this week, and also April Harter's work.

In order to ground in our power & be effective allies..
we need to face & feel the places where we feel powerless - otherwise, they make us act really weird and unhelpful even when we want to be helpful. 

Last night, we watched The Hate U Give (which is streaming for free right now on Fandango!), which was amazing and powerful and transformative for us.

And I felt something crack open in me, this huge heartbreak that I’ve tried to hold at arm’s length and channel into big picture plans, into things I could do, or even saviorship actions.

It touched this raw grief in me where I had to face this really little part of me that’s just like, there’s all this pain going on Right Now and there’s nothing I can do to take it away.

Paradoxically, I felt this deep sense of peace touching that. This deep sense of love for the world.

It felt like coming home to this soul-deep, thick-rooted ancestral heartbreak, and I wasn’t alone in feeling or holding it, it was so much older than me.

And the thing is, it did make me want to act. It made me want to be in the streets. But from this full-bodied, embodied place of holy rage and love, the Mother’s rage. Not the frustrated freaked out social media rage.

Ironically, to contact my power, I had to face my feeling of powerlessness that I had hidden away. 

So I want to ask, what are the places of powerlessness in us that we need to face, in order to come into our power?

(This- this is inner justice!)

Excited for our call soon <3

T

Changing how unwell I must be to how well I am

Something that keeps coming back to me is Marlo sneering how unwell you must be to kick me out when I am in this position. How unwell you must be to need so much space!

We had been sitting around a fire when she said this, the last fire, the last meal we would ever have together. Despite all of the hostility that had been arising, the three of us (Marlo, Kevin, and I) had managed to come together to dig a fire pit, and cook an actually delicious meal. It had been cold and rainy and it felt like the warmth we needed to get everything moving. As the veggies grilled, and the curry simmered we suspended the tension to actually laugh, take in the mist moving across the mountains, savor the smokey eggplants and eat till we were full. We even told ghost stories, talked of transitions and cultures that have honored them. Let the wellness come that was simple and needed, while noting the unrest in the silences. For me this was connection staying in line with my boundaries, happy to come together to share this moment, and when the moment faded into the next to reveal what was really needed the Mother came to me in the fire. Flashed before me to reveal the catalytic tension once again, revealing She was behind this movement, and holding all of us right in the right way. Her dance in the tension affirmed this transition was necessary, not just for me but also for Marlo.

That was when Marlo and I started talking about breaking ties. Which she was not okay with. Why do we have to break ties, break up, sever it? Why can't we just clear out the rotten ties? My whole body said NO. No energy to commit. Does not fit in with needs of the group. And I needed her to get moving.

It was clear to me I had a hard boundary. and it was not just to protect me, it was also to protect them. The maos were telling me that the work I am doing is grounding shamballa energy, and I am gateway for it to reach into the these parts of the Mother that really need it. I have the capacity to work in the energies of the separation wound because I have been living with it and growing with it for years, but for others who have not, to live with this energy can be really dangerous. The work I do is literally about working with the unmet needs and traumas of the Mother, allowing them to come up to take as much time and space as they need to heal. It is deep shadow work, and it will inspire the shadow to be revealed in others. And yes this will not feel good to others who do not have the skills and capacity to hold their shadows with love and be able to integrate it. Trying to do this work while others are freaking out about how horrible my energy feels to them is just not going to work out for anyone.

I was trying to explain to Marlo the lessons I have learned with maos about severance, separation and repel. I tried to explain to her the laws of magnetism. (ok yeah, this is how quad-aquarians break up with people, in a detached manner from the lenses of esoteric science but hey that is what is meaningful to me!)

Yes attraction is sacred and we all love it, it feels good, but repel is sacred too. Strong repels can send us exactly where we need to go, they can help us shift in deeply needed ways, move out of stuck places and open up to new opportunities. I was trying to say hey let's shift away from the personal for a moment, I know you have pain, oh god I know, because you are projecting it onto me, can we look beyond the distorted images you are creating of me and connect with this sacred drama? Will you dance with me and the Mother and appreciate what is really needed? I think this was the first time I have ever had to draw a hard boundary to protect myself, my work, and other people while getting blasted by others unresolved emotional trauma at the same time. It was like having a hoard of  demons being unleashed upon me while trying to protect a delicate bud flowering that all the demons wanted to devour. And hold the integrity of nurturance and care for this bud and the fragility of the people attacking me.

Sheesh-Ka-bobs!!!! It reminds me of the conversation I had with Atlas on the phone when we were talking about the practice of feeding our demons. The practice of getting to know them, giving them offerings, keeping them close, creating bridges to these parts of ourselves that are hungry and not feeling well. Saying hey I love you, and my definitions of love do not exclude you. I am really seeing that when we don't do this, or do not know how to do this then those inner demons and unresolved traumas really lash out. And when we don't take the chance to get to know them, then we have a harder time seeing how we project them, and have a harder time taking responsibility. We will then keep projecting that responsibility onto others. We have all done it, which gives us opportunity to understand it and let go of the shame to welcome in new perspectives.

That morning colin had been talking to them and let me know they were creating all of this distorted imagery of how terrible I am, pouring their unresolved pain into these images, and demonizing me. Even trying to get Colin to side with them. I could feel that while I was at the farm, and it was fueling my YOU NEED TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW rage, and also making me really physically sick. Definitely creating a stronger repel in the currents between us.  But the thing is...I know my demons and I have integrated them. I have created the bridges to the dark places within me and created a relationship with acceptance and love. I am not afraid of them and the reason why I was able to hold my own, and not lash out back is because I have already held the most hurt in me, and met how this part of me relates to the most bitter and callous. I even have an name for this person within me, I named her Severine. You could call her one of my demons but she prefers to be called the queen that she is, and she has a black black heart and a poisonous tongue from all the bitter pain in the world that has ever cut through my soul. And she has acted out at times when I did not know this pain well, and she would slice you up with her cold stare and silent wrath but she does not have to. Because I love Severine and we have formed a great relationship and now together Severine and I have surrendered to the softness. Now Severine and I go to the spa. Now Severine and I laugh, play dress up with my inner child. And we cry too to draw the warmth of the inner child back to us. Meeting and owning this character within was a big part of my healing with maos, and learning about the sacredness of severance. And also needing space to heal.

I am coming back to how well I am that I know I need space.
I am coming back to how well I must be know and assert my boundaries.
Yes the Mother within me, within all of us is and has been very unwell and,
How well I must be to hold her and love her into healing.
How well I must be to take on this responsibility and carry her wounds forward.

How supported I am to have this space and resources to do this work
How well we can all be when we are aligned to the work we are called to do!
How well I am to have carried this through creation, not just resilient, not strong,
but fucking well to hold this

I am well when I am tired and feel broken and invite love anyway
I am well when I feel the pain and hurt and sickness and take the time it needs to heal
I am well when I feel anger that tells me I need my space right now
what is unwell is denying this

what is unwell is believing my wellness means looking like something, or someone that is not me, or what I need in the moment.

What is unwell will always heal when we let it, and tries to as it moves within us to get our attention

and lastly what is truly unwell, deserves love, not shame

So that is what I have to say to that message trying to shame me for being to unwell to hold something I KNOW IN MY WELLNESS is not appropriate for me to take in.

I know Marlo will find the right healing space she needs, and the people who need her, and that is why she had to go, to move with that need and find her just right place.

I am welcoming mine too :)

I am sure my lessons on boundaries are not over, but I will let the cycles of learning continue on into resting my case. lol

 I love you, thanks for listening. This has been a pretty intense process and I appreciate all of the love and support that has come to me from this triangle to hold this space of wellness. <3 <3 <3 xoxoxo
kisses and hugs, smooches, and tickles <3