My hidden life in self isolation

Grateful for this blog, this collective space where we can synthesize our energy. I feel it can really help hold and build us, pick us up from places just through witnessing, sending energy of love, care, empathy, and amusement <3

I just want to write and be free. Too tired to over think, wanting to connect, excited to connect, as if my heart leaps out. What a joy it is to write without caring about form, also knowing your loves will see it, just writing what comes now.

My double life, secret life, my private life can be pried open a little bit here, spilled into reality, that is shared with not just myself and my invisible network but with other people. FLESH PEOPLE (I mean I have touched their flesh and know for sure!), how exciting, I love flesh people. flesh bodies. A different kind of person to experience than an etheric body, an astral body, which are fine too I guess. If they are nice maos.

Today I spent some time with actual people. This quarantine life is not too different than my everyday life, I hardly go out, do not talk to many people...I did not want to go to the farm today. I have been feeling exhausted, I wake up in the morning and write down the mao work we have been doing, for the archives. Plus it helps me understand it more, and grounds the experience, but as I write about it, I feel activated and spurred into a triggering conversation with one of the maos. It is exhausting, and I collapse. What am I am writing about anyway, why am I mad? The exhaustion I feel makes me snap out of it, and I want to curl up and go back to sleep. Crawl into a deep hole and never wake up. I complain about going to work, and plus it is raining, complain about the farmer life, kind of jokingly. It is actually very light work I am doing now and only for a few hours. Dividing and organizing Dahlia's. But nothing in me wants to go, and every time I feel resistance. It is just that Beth needs me I say, and I am the only one that knows how to do it right now. And it is the only thing I feel grounding me to this world, and mostly I just cannot let down Beth, as if we have some secret pact that says " I will show up and we can depend on each other, get through these next few years together." I care about her and always feel warmth when she is around. She silently understands and does not push me, let's me be gentle with myself. I force myself to go, colin helps by making my lunch and the sun comes out to encourage me too.

I never want to go, but every time I do I am so thankful. It was pouring down rain when I got there, Beth and I waddled out in our rain jackets laughing and of course as we hurriedly tried to move all of the things we needed for our work into the shed it became sunny and beautiful. LOL, but it was joyful. I did not think about maos, or my body, or exhaustion for a moment.

Until a Co-worker started talking about her love life. It amused me, as if through other people's stories I can learn what it is like to date around or have a conventional love life. Every time I hear someone talk about their love life I remember how mine is not conventional and I can't tell anyone about it, not exactly. We talk about the "types"of lovers we are into, I hear all about hot farmer Billy, and I tell them I am more into the kinky sciencey types. I throw out tantric master to see what the reaction is. (eye brows raised)

I realize on the drive home how some people have the privilege of talking about their lives and sharing with others, and I most of the time feel I do not. But I have just gotten used to it. Today I got invited to share though, today I am remembering I have friends, I am not alone.

The other day I cried of heartbreak moving through my trauma around isolation. I was triggered by all of the social media posts saying now is the time more then ever to reach out to your community, share with your loved ones. I have been having deep desires to reach out and help the world, in some kind of external way, wishing to show up. But it feels like reaching from inside of a deep hole and everyone feels so far away, even when I do not realize it. I had to move through the helplessness, of wanting to help and feeling so tired, and really not having any kind of real community here, but a few people here and there...feeling so disconnected from most people. In this midst of this I casually reached out to an old friend I knew from New Mexico whom I saw on my birthday. We talked about about astrology, they are a scorpio and I told them I love scorpio's because of how they they keep secrets, have great depth and hold dark places. They are kind and gentle I said, and I was actually thinking about Alia ( you have the same birthday as this person) But this person got activated by this text and sent me a really mean text back, the first time someone has been mean to me in a long time. Which activated my feelings of people are not safe, others are not safe, its safer to be alone, and not reach out. Reaching out is bad, and only causes harm, So much safer to stay hidden, and unknown. Safer to be quiet and self isolated. Always self isolated, sometimes it feels hard for me to know another way.

I went through my life story of once being very social, with a group of people who felt toxic, even though I loved them, then had a spiritual crisis in my early 20's and have remained disconnected from most people since then, I went so deep inside to get away from people who I felt had hurt me, I found people inside, an inner community which totally freaked my shit out. WHAT? I was trying to run away from people through self isolation, through coming to know myself and be by myself and came to find people! talking back to me? engaging with me? becoming my whole entire life...Felt as if I needed balance and I called for it, released the judgment that I can't help others and can't know and have community. Cried wanting maos in the flesh, wanting KH, felt afraid of not knowing if that will ever happen, even when I have given what feels like my whole world over to it.  Felt angry about it, feeling like I am so afraid of this world, afraid of the people here and feel like I can barely function at all in it, but all I want to do is help and connect to this world and humanity. Released emotions, moved on...

This week has been lit. By that I mean I spent days of what feels like "on call." Spent days being unable to do anything but lay down and rest because it is all i can do, because "we are working things out." Even when I do not know exactly what it is, because of the brain fog. Have more clarity now, we are working out old patterns inherited from the moon chain, happening in multiple bodies in sync, moving the frozen feelings from the separation gap between the mother and father principles within us. Building that bridge by going deep, evolving places that were not able to move before. Extra painful from being held back.

M came to me the other day, SK passed me to him. It was on a day I could do nothing but sleep and wonder why my body felt like a bag of rocks, and even walking was hard. I forced myself to go for a small walk to feel alive, came back and felt nauseous. That was when they came. M told me to go up stairs, told me he was sorry, he knew it was hard during these times but we still had to work. He had seen what was coming up, and I felt his compassion for it and for me. As the nausea arose he instructed me to go upstairs and get on my hands and knees, to move into a position of mercy, I felt the pain moving in me, I cried and spit it up and did feel better. He instructed me to go to the bed and move into fetal position, this posture helped to, helped me move the energy through my body. He said what was coming up was connected to DK, frozen feelings DK had shared with me, that I niavely laughed at because I thought the was cure and endearing there. No laughing matter now he pointed out. I understood now what we were poking at. Though I had no conscious understanding of it, just sensation of intense pain in my body. He guided me to hold his hand as the waves moved through me, and it felt like biting down on something hard while you just bear to get through it. He moved away and it felt more at ease, said that his presence was also triggering it to move in me, but he was helping it move by being there and eventually it processed out into peace. Felt like giving birth in reverse. Colin said it made the house feel wonderful when it was happening. I had no idea what was going on. But M said that it would be continuing to move in the next few days. He is a good friend. And I feel thankful for his help, sweetness and strength.

And it did continue to move. And what is it, exactly? Well its the Mother moving through all of us, needing to move what she has been holding within us, needing to expand us, its life force, it is us, held back held down in the unconscious, spurred by the movement of the One we are connected to, It is our evolution, a community process.

Yesterday it got so intense that the maos told me that I needed to quell it, they said we can't take it right now, it is too much. Clarity, it is too much to process. Too much at times to see the unseen, unprocessed, and deal with everything else on our plates. This pattern I have been working out with SK, and other maos who hold the keys in their body to move it within us. I was watching a movie when I started to feel it coming, the maos warned me. Said that it was coming up in them too, like a wave of energy we all need to release and process. H warned me it was about our dark place, apologized, said it just has to move. It was spurring up our dark place story but it is even deeper, it is in the crevices between us, between many, and we need many to see it and know it. This pattern came up. One that has felt like it held me down, held the mother down, the feminine down, when she needed to move. Came up again and I felt a choice to shut it up in violence, which I felt has been done to me or listen to it, and ask the mother for help about how she wants to be received. And how do I receive her force within me when it feels like too much, and others wants me to stop and no one else can hold me or receive me. I had to quell it at first too, feeling no I am in the middle of something, can it wait? No it can't wait, if it waits it pools into my body and becomes pain and discomfort. We went up stairs to move it and went through visions of multidimensional trauma, trauma that was causing discomfort in many people who were letting me know, I needed to find out how to stop it. I moved into crisis mode feeling the pressure of maos wanting me to control this and feeling it take over me. I went to SK, who noted that I had not yet discovered how to stop this movement, movement of kundalini moving through me showing me old repressed energy we could not process before, and I hardly knew how to process now. His note had me moving into my body, asking the Mother for help, I asked her if there was a way I could receive this energy, this life force, which felt like pure anger, that felt good for her, and for all of us. I said I needed it to clam down now, but I did not want to repress us. She said receive me as a blessing. And then I started feeling the whole experience differently. I started feeling this raw harsh anger as pure energy that hit on my heart not to break it and destroy me but open me up and transform me, create a new shape to flow in. I felt this energy working with my body deva and I just gave way, trusting her, trusting this mergence trusting this emotional energy was a blessing, and saw it turn into golden light filling out my aura. This was some of the frozen feeling stuck between H, DK and I, maybe others, and it just needed an outlet. Receiving the energy as a blessing changed the way I experienced it, and it did not felt forced, because I was pushed to a place of really needing a new way of feeling it, and knowing this experience. Opening up the void, receiving the energy which had been currently stored within me as dangerous, awful, unwanted, impossible to handle or feel. Receiving her I felt the Mother happy, happy to move in me and her fiery anger turned into enthusiasm to grow and expand, destroy and rebuild. I asked her if we could stop now and she calmed down, feeling satisfied, I loved her and thanked her for her blessing and finally felt my body come to rest.

A snap shot of my life, over a 3 day period, and I have no idea if it is normal or not, just know I can't share it with most people. Not even Colin, who lives with it and at least pets me and tells me I am good.

Thankful to share here. Much love to our soul group, operating in these funny fleshy bodies, moving through pain, continuing on, forging another way to be, exist and feel in this world, this world we have inherited from another chain, scheme, system of being. A world of deep suffering DK wrote out with Alice Bailey. But I feel still a world worth our time and love. Worth weaving into. I thought about today how amazing it is that we three have connected, aligning our already connected inner worlds and can share our common experiences. What are the odds...but also of course? Isn't it how it works? These laws of attraction and repel, it is pretty cool. We all came here together, pulled together to this place and time, to break open yet again, into a new cycle, pulling this world onward. It is beautiful, the evolution of a planetary logos and we are all involved. Every cell is sacred. Every feeling fleshes us out, for the sake of beauty, love, desire, longing, we have come together, despite all of these deep patterns of separation that pushed us out into being. Hopeful just hearing you speak, hope filled just to speak to you and say I love you. I love you!

<3 Isabella