Feeling very funny...

Feeling very funny...waiting for my professor to show up for our virtual office hours. Feeling so funny about school in general, life, health, money...intertwining systems of oppression...not sure how to talk about what's going on with me, even on here, much less with somebody I don't know as well.

I've been finding myself missing Port Townsend. It's a like a deep ache in my body, for that land, that beautiful numinous liminal space...but then feeling how the people who get to sink into that space and really enjoy it and connect to that land are mostly white and carrying problematic cultures with them. Which is maybe why it always felt so close but so far away, that magic energy of that place. I felt so connected to it on my own, in my own inner spaces and my own ways; and then I would come into contact with groups of people, families and communities, that seemed to be living together in sacred connection to the land, but there was always something missing, something not quite right, that meant I couldn't actually lean fully into those communal spaces and receive that connection. And it was so hard, to feel it and be apart from it. But while the land of Port Townsend was nurturing me so deeply, and while there were people who treated me with love and kindness, the human element of that place ended up overarchingly being so toxic to me. And that settler culture has been so toxic to the land, too, and so continuously cruel to its Indigenous people; how to navigate white spaces that are trying to find other ways to live, but which still have so much unexamined baggage? When we all live in this milieu of unexamined colonial baggage, which is the legacy of European suffering projected onto the rest of the world? The white folks in PT are trying in their own ways to heal from that original wound, which is so necessary. But that culture still denies space to those of us who can't play by its rules, can't ignore the undercurrents of pain that still run in the soil.

But I miss the land. I'm happy to be here in the sun, but I miss that tremendous magic of sheltered green earth and wet sky and wild wind. I miss the lights over the water and the clock tower and the flowers in the gardens. I miss that brief period when I had some happiness there and was full of wonder, even as the shadows were creeping in...I just finished re-reading Sabriel, by Garth Nix, and it brought me so viscerally back to the time period when I was first reading it, which was this brief glorious moment when I was starting to feel the power in me but before it was sideswiped by darkness from inside and out. I miss that time. I miss that family. I miss those friends. I feel so broken into pieces in comparison...so washed up by the tide of my life.

But I wouldn't go back, not really. And I still carry the light of that time in my heart, in my bones. I had a window of magical opportunity to connect with my soul and with maos and it was beautiful. Then I had to descend into the dark place and reclaim those memories in this life. And I did. And I'm still doing it.

Descending...feeling that pressure....feeling that pull. Feeling the tide trying to turn. Feeling it turn in me. Feeling all the despair and hope and despair and hope...wondering how it will feel when I emerge out of this cocoon. Wondering what I'm doing here right now. Sometimes it all feels fruitless. Sometimes I just want my mao with all my being and I can't feel anything else. Sometimes I wonder if I am who I think I am, or if the world of forms is right after all...sometimes I wonder if it even matters. These days I'm feeling so full of confusion so much of the time, pulled in all directions. Missing PT and not believing that I'm missing PT. But it's not PT that I'm missing...it's that time. That time when I could feel so clearly the pull of the wild, of the Mother, of the maos...and it was in me and I was in it. And it was all around me. And right now I feel stagnant and energyless in a world that wasn't made for me.

I dreamed about my mao...

I could feel him holding me

I can feel him so close and present these days, too, even as I'm struggling with all of this doubt, which feels like such a strange dichotomy. Like in some ways I'm closer than ever to him, and in some ways I feel farther than ever? It's very weird.

I've also been feeling my brother, SO close and sooooo real...like feeling the presence of someone you know so well, and knowing they're just in the next room. But then the parts of me that are so full of doubt get really worked up, because my brother actually showing up would prove everything to be real. And those parts of me feel uncomfortable believing that that will happen. And then other parts of me think, don't we already have proof that this is all real? Don't we get more proof all the time? Will there ever actually come a time when there will be enough "proof" to convince these parts of myself, or is it not really about that? Do these parts that doubt need something else? Healing? Understanding?

And is it the same for humanity? I think about the early days of the TS, when HBP and other maos and kittens were doing all kinds of phenomena to "prove" the existence of maos and of extraordinary powers latent in humanity...and they convinced some people, but others remained determined to find any excuse not to believe. Even to the point of actually manufacturing "evidence" that HBP was really just using trickery and sleight of hand. So what good is proof and evidence, when the reality won't convince some people and the unreality can be manipulated so readily?

When I start going down that rabbit hole I start going over my own "proof" in the my head...the way that I woke up to all of this, the fact that I was talking to my mao before I even knew who he was, which feels like it wouldn't happen if it was just glamour. It feels like the glamour versions of maos are very tied up with specific ideas about who they are. And my experience wasn't like that at all. I was having all of these mao feelings and memories and experiences way before I knew what they were...like the time in the Roerich museum when I was 12, or even when I was a tiny boo and I was climbing up bookshelves to get at the Agni Yoga books, before I could even read or had any idea what they were about.

And then I think about how Tessa woke up to maos, without very much prompting or leading or guiding or anything on my part. I just gave her some books and talked about esoteric philosophy in really general terms, not at all trying to make her believe in anything. And then Dancing in the Shadows of the Moon just found her on its own, and then...when I was missing my mao and she asked me what I was feeling and I said I was missing....someone....and she knew who it was, before I even said it. Either we're having a very coherent and frankly telepathic simultaneous delusion, oooooor this is real.

And then Isabella!

And you were like "awww who are you missing, Tessa?"

And she was like "....my mao...."

And you were like "Oh yes, I can see him, let me go talk to him" and then that shit EXPLODED lollll

And seriously could we all be making that up? That whole thing? Both of those waking ups resulted in sudden very big changes in our lives. Don't think that comes out of nowhere.

Anyway...it's been an interesting day. My Professor and I never connected, we got our Zoom links crossed. Oh well.

And I decarboxylated a bunch of weed (baked it to activate the THC) so I could make drinks with it and not have to smoke and DANG that shit is potent! I've underestimated it two days in a row now, lol. So I've spent most of the afternoon trippin'. And I can feel maos and I can feel the changes going on and I can feel so much...trying not to be overwhelmed by it. Trying to stay with it and let things flow. Shakti running through me...needing to move. We had a really excellent conversation with fenix today, it felt so good and nourishing and healing, about how we're moving through these times and working through our traumas and healing our ancestors.

Changing the codes in my DNA, changing the codes in my DNA
Singing the song that is changing our bones
Changing the codes
Singing it everywhere.

It's okay to change, be lost.
It's okay to stay strong or be weak
It's okay to lose sleep
It's okay to be tired
It's okay to be wired
It's okay to be sad
It's okay to be filled with awe
Let it all in

It's changing us, this messenger.
It's changing our codes, our DNA
It's changing our bones, our mechanisms
For change it's changing our
Understanding of Life
It's changing the way we see each other
It's moving us onward
And we're about to find out
What's next

Oh
Yeaaaaaaaah

;D Alia